mga kwentong walang kwenta

after a year of not blogging, i rant again.

2007-09-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: burns and stitches - fra lippo lippi

after a year of not blogging (not in this blog, at least), i start again with a rant.

i went to an exhibit and as soon as people saw me, people were asking me where is ___? and i was thinking, "and hello to you too!" my association with silverlens is both a curse and a blessing. problem is distinguishing which is which.

why can't they talk to me as toni? am i doomed to walk in the shadows of my ____ just because most of the artists i know met me at the gallery? until when will they think of me as that guy who works for ___?

hay...

wake-up call?

2007-09-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

from my friend jam: you're not keeping up with your blogspot lately

does this mean i will be posting stuff here again?

we'll see.

cotton candy dream

2006-03-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: Sunshower - Chris Cornell

There are times when all you want is for everything to end, for everything to go. Just escape to a place no one knows – not even yourself. So you leave your bags behind, wishing to let go, only to realize that you’re still carrying everything with you: every smile, every touch, every kiss. And yes, every single tear. You wish it could be clearer, easier, simpler. But peace never reveals itself, especially to someone who doesn't want to forget. And you look at the road in front of you, not knowing where it goes, or how it ends. And you resign to the truth that nothing ever stops; that nothing ever really ends. And then you learn that moving on is nothing but a faithless leap. So you disappear, without a trace, without saying goodbye.

It’s early morning and we still can't see the sun. Maybe, it’s still on the other side of the horizon, where all lost lovers are.

mamang pulis

2006-02-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

for 5 months now, my mom's been going to police school as required by her promotion. she's been going through training both in the classroom and on the field. and last monday, for their practical exam, they had an operation at some place in the province (the location i cannot divulge). if going to school everyday isn't hard enough for a person who's never been a fan of books and test papers, imagine doing a 60 kilometer trek, carrying a 60 pound pack, running and hiking on a pair of rheumatic legs, crawling and docking from bullets in ambush simulations, and having the sun blaze on top of you for 2 days! And she's 53!

anita daso reporting for duty, sir!

briefing at 4 am the following day.

goofing around with friends. (sir, not listening, o!)

10 kilometers down. 50 loooooong kilometers to go!

operation: pahinga muna. =)

one of the boys. macho mo ma! =)

moving along...

guess where this is. (hint: it's the mountain in the previous picture)

time space warp. after 2 days, 60++ kms. and 100,000 liters of gatorade. nice pj's by the way. =)

boodlefight! sort of...

happy happy! =)

But one thing about my mother, she's a strong woman. But it's not physical strength that makes her a cut above the rest (although i have to admit that for a woman she does have a strong pair of arms. and legs. and back. and everything.) what i really admire is her attitude and faith that keeps her going. she's been through a lot in her life, and to tell it would nothing be less than making a novel out of the cinderella story - minus the fairy god mother, of course.

My mother never gives up. And thank god she hasn't or else, i wouldn't be here writing this post. Again, the detail deserves a separate post in itself. But just to give you an idea, imagine having to put up with me for more than 22 years (and counting). Period. Wouldn't that be a nightmare! And to think I'm just half of the story.

A life of missed opportunities, broken dreams and bitter disappointments. But still she went on, thanked the Lord and smiled at the world. And because of that, she's my superwoman.

On monday (February 20), she's going on stage for her graduation. If only she knew how proud I am of her. Congratulations Mama. I love you po.

by the way...

2006-02-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: brighter than sunshine - aqualung

...did i mention, graduate na ako? yipee!!! =)

awww... (ma, di ako makahinga...)

sa wakas, natapos din! =)

(mama: nakakangawit ngumiti...) (toni: ano kaya handa?)

commdept pips! (oo na, ako na ang pinakamatanda! hmph!) =)

meet my cat rover! (meow!) =)

mama and my pamangkin lila. =)

more of mama and my pamangkins =)

the daso family! =)

not part of the graduation pics. hahaha! =)

come around

2006-01-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: Rhett Miller - Come Around

The door opens in front of her. And there he stands outside, waiting.

WOMAN: You’re here.

MAN: Yes, I am.

WOMAN: Why?

MAN: Because you called.

WOMAN: You’re mistaken.

MAN: Maybe I am.

WOMAN: Then you should go.

MAN: I will. After I know the reason why you called.

WOMAN: How do you know it was me?

MAN: Because you’ve done this before.

WOMAN: Done what?

MAN: Call without saying a word.

WOMAN: Would you have listened?

MAN: I don’t know.

WOMAN: So you come here.

MAN: To listen.

WOMAN: And yet, you still do not understand.

MAN: I understand that you called for a reason.

WOMAN: Did you answer when it rang?

MAN: I should’ve.

WOMAN: Why didn’t you?

MAN: Because I knew it was you.

WOMAN: It wasn’t me.

MAN: Who was it then?

WOMAN: You would have known if you only picked up the phone.

MAN: I'd pick it up. But you'd always keep silent.

WOMAN: She didn’t want to talk to you?

MAN: You'd only listen to my voice. And then hang up.

WOMAN: She wanted for you to be the one to call.

MAN: And you wanted me to come.

WOMAN: To go to her.

MAN: To wait outside your door.

WOMAN: She called to see if you cared.

Silence only between them.

Footsteps nearby break the stillness.

Someone emerges from the room.

She was not alone.

MAN: I understand.

WOMAN: Don’t pretend that you do.

MAN: I understand that many things were left unsaid.

WOMAN: And you wait for the things I will never say.

MAN: And I leave now without hearing you say it.

But it is she who turns to leave.

MAN: Why did you call?

WOMAN: Because I was waiting.

MAN: For me to call.

WOMAN: And I waited.

MAN: For me to come.

WOMAN: But you never came.

MAN: Not until now.

WOMAN: I called to say goodbye.

The door closes behind her. And he stands outside, waiting.

steady lang

2005-12-23T04:13:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: Reaching Out – Lea Salonga

Steady-lang is for the weak.

I didn’t know what this idea meant until last night. Salamat jackiepot for explaining this philosophy to me. :)

Steady lang means no expectations, go with the flow, live with what you have. Steady lang means you should enjoy the rollercoaster ride. Horace said it best with his Carpe Diem, although I doubt it if the Greek guy would ever really go to a theme park, with all the sweet candies, bright balloons and happy people.

Steady lang means you should live in the moment. You live, you learn. You cry, you learn. You die, you learn. The song is old. But then again, I am old. And the only thing I learned is that you never really learn. The truth is, you learn nothing.

Steady lang means you can ask so much, when you only need to do is give so little. If life gives you what you ask for, then be thankful. If it doesn’t, you shouldn’t be surprised; you didn’t deserve anything in the first place.

Steady lang means you can always push your luck. And at the end, all you need to say is sorry. Sorry for everything, thanks for everything. It’s that simple. It’s not fair, I know. But life never is.

Steady lang means you need not think about life. The world is too complicated to be taken seriously. Answers to questions only lead to either confusion or bitterness. A yes is never a yes. And a no is always a no.

Steady lang never looks forward, since the future hasn’t happened yet. And besides, it never really goes the way you want it, so why bother? Steady lang never looks back either. The past is gone. Deal with it. Get over it. Forget it.

Steady lang means you should never care. Because caring necessitates a surrender. And fortune always makes a clown of the loser.

Steady lang teaches us that attachment is not love, silence is not peace and a smile never means happiness.

Steady lang works for a lot of people. I hated them then. I understand them now. But I should make it clear that I do not suggest Steady lang for everyone. Steady lang is only for the coward, the irresponsible, the selfish. Steady lang is for the libertine.

I am a coward. I am irresponsible. I am selfish. I’ve been hurt so many times, in so many ways. Now that I know what Steady lang means, I will never be hurt again.

Steady lang is for the weak. Because we never pretend that we are strong. We are honest of our frailties and we accept how dreadful the world really is. Because of that, we are free.

intentions

2005-11-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: Baby I Love Your Way (Rockstar: INXS version) – Mig Ayeza feat. Marty Casey, Jordis Unga

My point is… well, the truth is, no one gives a damn what my point is.

I don’t know if it’s just a phase (when all you feel is being alone in that dark place inside your head) or it’s simply a concrete example of the postmodernist dilemma (of individuals losing their voices in the multitude) but I just sense that nobody understands me. Yeah, yeah, it’s a tad melodramatic I know. But it’s the truth. I have been reflecting for some time now about my last post. And I told a friend that I’m a bit disappointed that only a handful really got the idea behind it. As I told my friend, “most of the people only see the comedy, and none of the sarcasm.” I would like to make it clear that it’s entirely MY FAULT and not of my visitors that they didn’t see the satirical aspect of the script. It’s my fault as the writer (note: “as THE writer” and not “as A writer”) that I wasn’t able to communicate my intentions clearly. It undoubtedly shows my inadequacy in skill to use words to translate thought into actions and pictures, to tell people what I really want to say to them, to make them understand what I have in mind. What is it really about you ask? The idea was to make a commentary about controlled environments and how certain control mechanisms become entertaining and horrifying at the same time. (And sometimes, incredibly ridiculous.) I know what you’re saying… “aaaaahhh… yun ba yun?”. Just like what I’ve said, not a tinge of talent for communication, I don’t have, yes? (Huh?)

I didn’t want to make such a big deal about it really. But the fear of the thesis defense which is fast approaching, just keeps on gnawing at me. What if they don’t understand what I want to say? What if they don’t like it? What if they only see the text and context and none of the subtext? What if I froze in front of the panel? What if? What if? What if? And sir hasn’t been much of a help either. It’s not that he’s not doing his job as a mentor. It’s just that he’s been really cryptic about things that I barely have an idea if I did my thesis right or not. Last time, he said, “You did it naman di ba? Well then, defend it.” Ummm... anu po ibig sabihin nun? Tapos, Il asked him, “sir, may comments po ba kayo?” And then he said, “Basta makagraduate ka na.” ??????? I’m not even sure if his reply was a question or an answer. Tapos, I asked him again, “ummm, sir… pangit po ba o maganda?” And he went, “it’s not important kung panget o maganda.” I tell you, with sir, you have to believe in your work or else the panel’s going to eat you alive. Di mo naman pwedeng sabihin na, "e kasi po... sabi ni sir..." It’s not the job of mentors to tell you what you should or should not do. Their work is to make you think for yourself. Kung sa real world nga naman, you only have yourself to be the judge of your work. I have nothing against him. The truth is, he’s been extremely patient with me. Hay… The only thing I’m banking on right now is the fact that when he asked me, “Kapag may tinanong ba ako tungkol sa thesis mo, masasagot mo ba?”, I answered, “Yes sir.” Sana, sana, sana. Basta, the key word is LEITMOTIF.

Everyone just wants me to graduate. What I want is to prove myself. Yun yung mahalaga. Yung diploma, makakapagpagawa ako nun sa Recto. Pero yung fulfillment na di napunta sa wala yung oras na ginugol mo sa college, walang makapapalit dun. And besides, I want to teach at the department. I have to prove myself worthy of such company. But then again, I can't even construct one decent sentence. Hay… mga pangarap.

Oh well. I hope that at least in this post, I made people understand what I wanted to say. Or not. Ewan!

P.S. I’m currently accepting donations for bond papers and computer ink cartridges. Wish me luck people. And thanks sa walang katapusang morale support. Salamat, salamat, salamat.

scripted

2005-10-31T01:01:00.000-08:00

currently listening to: Damien Rice - Cannonball

Ang sumusunod ay pawang kathang-isip lamang. Ang patnubay ng magulang ay kailangan. =)

INT. CLASSROOM, DAY

A classroom discussion. Students sitting in attention, perfect posture. A teacher paces back and forth in front, a teaching stick in hand. She speaks with machine gun ra-ta-tat quickness.

Teacher
The Hawthorne effect refers to improvements in productivity or quality which result not so much because of intended changes to working conditions, but mainly because the workers are aware of extra attention being paid to them.

She pauses, as if mechanically, walk and talk coming to a sudden halt. She checks, in the corner of her eye, nothing. Everything is A-ok. She resumes.

Teacher
An experimental effect in the direction expected but not for the reason expected; i.e. a significant positive effect that turns out to have no causal basis in the theoretical motivation for the intervention, but is apparently due to the effect on the participants of knowing themselves to be studied in connection with the outcomes meyshurd.

She stops. The class is silenced. What did she say? Did she just say “meyshurd”? OMG, she has mispronounced a word!

Teacher
I meant “in connection with the outcomes MEASURED."

We ANGLE on a student. She’s wary of something. But she’s more than wary, she’s terrified! ANGLE ON another student, a guy, perspiration beading on his forehead. ANOTHER STUDENT, petrified. ANOTHER, horrified. ANOTHER, horror-struck. The whole class is expecting a lightning from heaven to strike their poor Ms. Manners dead for her sin.

The teacher too is fearful for her safety, although she is better than her students in hiding her terror.

No sound. The clock ticks. Still no sound. Another tick. Still nothing. The pressure builds with every second that passes. You could drop a needle and it would sound as loud as thunder. But nothing.

A sigh of relief. No one is struck by lightning. The class resumes.

FROM THE AISLE, we see the class continue. As we PULL OUT, the students who are listening attentively turns to the camera following it with strange eyes. The teacher drones resuming, not minding whatever it is that caught her students’ attention.

Teacher
Clearly the variables the experimenters manipulated were...

INT. HALLWAY, DAY

At a deserted hallway, two guys are arguing about something. The emotions are intense... telenovela intense.

Guy 1
Tang-ina (bleep) mo pare! Di ba sinabi ko na layuan mo na si Vanessa?!

Guy 2
E kung di ka ba naman tarantado (bleep), bakit ko lalayuan si Vanessa? Break na kayo! Ayaw na nga niya sa’yo! Mahirap bang intindihin ‘yon?!

Tension building as they argue. But the weird thing is, when they say the unprintable, their mouths move to say it but the sound that comes out is that familiar *bleep* sound we hear on TV.

Guy 1
Ah basta! Layuan mo si Vanessa! Akin si Vanessa! AKIN!!!

Guy 2
At sino ka para pagbawalan akong manligaw?! Ha, sino ka?! Tarantado (the sound that comes out is a bleep) ka kasi kaya ka niya brineyk! Ang tanga (bleep) mo!

Guy 1 couldn’t take it anymore. He grabs Guy 2 by the collar, his other arm snaps up and WHACK!, the nose of Guy 2 explodes, blood erupting. Guy 2 falls to the floor with a thud. Guy 2 recovers but doesn’t stand up.

He looks at Guy 1 standing over him with rage. All the fury in the world building up inside him. ARGH!!! I WILL GET YOU!!!, he thinks. But then, he notices the camera. He grins, the blood dripping and all.

INT. STAIRS, SPS BUILDING, DAY

A couple hiding in the intimate silence. He kisses her, pressing into her, his arms circling her waist.

GUY 3
I love you.

GIRL 1
I love you.

Their lips are to meet again, sweetly, tenderly... But then again...

Man (O.S.)
Pssthoy!

Mang Jack emerges from the corner. He sees what is happening. He’s furious.

Mang Jack
Anung ginagawa ninyo ha?! Bawal yan!

Before apprehending the lovebirds, he notices us. He smiles into the camera.

VARIOUS SHOTS

A security guard, seated on a bench, is sleeping on duty. The bevy of students and teachers mill(s?) about around him. He snores.

A freshly printed paper leafs out of the photocopying machine. Another paper. And another. The Filtrex girl stares retardedly at the paper being spewed by the photocopying machine.

A spoon scoops some vile concoction from a bowl. The guy looks at his food revolted, letting it drip back to his plate.

A janitor daydreams in a corner. He holds his mop as if it is the girl of his dreams.

A girl plays Text Twist on the computer, bored. A guy comes in, handing her his id. She perfunctorily receives it and hands the guy a number. She goes back to her game.

A FINGER presses a button. We do not know to whom the fingers are attached.

A MUSICAL DING blares out from the P.A. speakers. It is the proverbial musical tone of the DLSU bell. Yes, it is meant to tell that it’s time. But time for what?

The security guard is interrupted in mid-sleep. He shakes the cobwebs in his head. Then a couple of students pass him by. The security guard and the students smile in agreement: It’s time!

The Filtrex girl snaps out of her trance. She looks into the distance. Great! It’s time!

The guy at the canteen is overjoyed, relieved that he doesn’t need to eat anymore of this garbage. He looks to the direction of the music. Great! It’s time!

The janitor kisses his mop. Stands up, does a pirouette and runs to the direction of the sound. Great! It’s time!

The girl at the computer lab eyes the last guy he handed a number to. He looks at her with a smile – he too knows it’s time. They run out holding each other’s hands. The other students storm out of the room following them.

The MUSICAL DING reverberates around the campus. It’s the time!

But then, the music SQUEAKS INTO A HALT, as if an old record player has just died on us. The speakers become SILENT. Then...

We hear the first few beats of a familiar track.

EXT. YUCHENGCO GROUNFLOOR, DAY

A throng of people has assembled in the open area under the bright sun, their hands in the air, dancing...

MUSIC
Lahat tayo mayroon pagkakaiba sa tingin pa lang ay makikita na
Iba’t ibang kagustuhan ngunit iisang patutunguhan
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap mo
Magbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga

The whole cast dances in PRODUCTION NUMBER STYLE, FOLLOWING TV CHOREOGRAPHY... All of them are there: the teacher discussing Hawthorne Effect, with her are all of her students, the couple in the stairs (still managing to kiss while dancing), beside them is the new couple from the computer lab, Mang Jack has his eyes on the student couples, the security guard and the Filtrex girl are also getting into the lovey-dubby mood, the janitor is dancing with his mop, the fighting couple (Guy 1 has a cotton ball stuck to his nostrils) has become a threesome with the addition of the guy from the canteen. The only two that don’t have partners yet are Mang Jack and the Hawthorne teacher. Students from the Hawthorne class push their teacher to Mang Jack who on the other hand is also being pushed by the students from the computer lab.

MUSIC AND CAST (cont’d)
Pinoy ikaw ay pinoy
Ipakita sa mundo
Kung ano ang kaya mo
Ibang-iba ang pinoy
Wag kang matatakot
Ipagmalaki mo pinoy ako
Pinoy tayo

THE WHOLE CAST DANCE IN UNISON. Their hands, feet, head, shoulders, body movement. SMILING FACES all over the place. A good time.

INT. ROOM – SAME TIME

ANGLE: Now there are two sets of mysterious fingers. They tap in beat to the music. We see the cast from a TV screen. The mystery couple watch(es?) every move intently.

MUSIC AND CAST (cont’d)
Talagang ganyan ang buhay
Dapat ka nang masanay
Wala rin mangyayari
Kung laging nakikibagay
Ipakilala ang iyong sarili
Ano man sa iyo ay mangyayari
Ang lagi mong iisipin
Kayang kayang gawin

EXT. YUCHENGCO GORUNDFLOOR, DAY

ROLL END CREDITS OVER Visuals.

“La Salle Closed Circuit TV. Ang teleserye ng buhay Lasallista.”

MUSIC AND CAST (cont’d)
Pinoy ikaw ay pinoy
Ipakita sa mundo
Kung ano ang kaya mo
Ibang-iba ang pinoy
Wag kang matatakot
Ipagmalaki mo pinoy ako
Pinoy tayo

A final pose from the cast, forming the all known sunburst.

FADE TO BLACK.

CUT TO:

INT. VIDEO ROOM, DAY – SAME TIME

A woman and a man, their backs turned to us, have just finished watching the production number. It’s a small room, wired with TV screens. We see the cast from different perspectives from the monitors. The music coming from the speakers fade out.

CLOSE ON the man’s mouth.

BIG BROTHER (on the microphone)
Thank you “housemates”. You can now go back to your regular tasks.

ON THE MONITORS, we see the group breakout as if nothing has happened, as if they didn’t know each other again – 15 seconds of fame turned to 15 seconds of reinforced behavior. Hands are unclasped, people head towards different directions, smiles turn to either bored faces or worried ones. The show is over.

The woman and the man turn around to face the camera. Dr. Q and Big Brother Armin smile at us.

---

Ilang mga paalala sa mga di madalas makabasa ng script. Ang INT ay Interior, ang EXT ay EXTERIOR, ang mga salitang naka-uppercase ay mga screen directions or camera movements (mga emphasis cues). Para sa mga katanungan, suhestiyon at mga komento, ipagbigay-alam lang ang mga ito sa may akda. =)

brain fart

2005-10-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Bad Day - Daniel Powter

It’s official. My mom’s back in school. Hay… sana naman ay sabay kami magkagraduate sa December. By the way, it’s not her I’m worried about. I’m sure she’ll do just fine. Ah basta, you know what I mean.

---

I don’t know if you read my blog or not. But let me tell you this, maybe, it’s not that no one hears your scream, it’s just that no one can understand what you’re saying. I didn’t tell you this on the text, but I really got pissed off at you last time. If you haven’t erased my message, read it again and replace the periods with exclamation marks. Because that’s the way I typed it the first time. Pero sorry na rin. I realized din later that the song was uncalled for. But that does not take away the fact that I was trying to do a good thing. The least that you can do is be thankful. I hope na kung ano man yung tampuhan ninyo ay maayos niyo na. See, with the way I’m saying it now, it’s obvious that I barely have an idea what’s going on with the rest of you. Pero I’ll stand by what I said, tama na ang drama! ingat ka po lagi.

---

I really really really love this series. The plot is not artificial, the dialogue is well thought of and the treatment of the theme is great. Share lang. =)

Again, every Tuesdays, after Smallville. Haha, plugging. =)

---

Just saw the news. Magnitude 7. I pray it doesn’t happen. =( Please take care everyone. =(

game 2

2005-10-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: James Blunt - You're Beautiful

i'm trying to shake it off. but i can't.

=(

The FEU Tamaraws beat the DLSU Archers, 73-71, to claim the Men's Senior Basketball crown at the UAAP 68th Season.

you know you need to get a life when...

2005-09-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

(added sept 22, 2005) you start getting excited to open your yahoo email -- because it sounds so happy to see you: "WELCOME TONI! you have 354 unread mails." and it greets you by name too, every single time! (glad to see you too, dear yahoo! wow, i made a rhymie! =)

your idea of a conversation is making a blog post and waiting for someone to actually comment on it. (obvious ba na I’m fishing for comments?)

your idea of a real conversation (meaning with a real living person) is standing in front of a mirror and exchanging pleasantries with the person who looks ridiculously just like you. (hey! I like your shirt! You know, I have a shirt just like… hey, wait a minute!)

your idea of a bad day is getting irritated by the person on the other side of the mirror because he keeps on doing exactly what you are doing. (are you some sort of a wacko? stop that! and don’t talk when i’m still speaking! ‘y I ought’ta! )

your idea of cheap thrill is holding out your finger just above the water of your aquarium hoping that a hungry gold fish would indulge you, play along and actually try to bite your finger off. (here boy! here boy!)

your idea of a workout is intentionally doing laundry by hand even when there’s a perfectly working washing machine that can do all the work for you. (I never thought washing jeans could be this healthful.)

your idea of life is what you see in reality tv, where a person can date 10 people at the same time and end up as a millionaire, where you get the best advise about being a guy from guys who like guys, where makeovers are free (and suddenly, you’re a celebrity), and where matters of survival like gathering food come in thematically prepared challenges.

your idea of a lucky day is spotting her among a crowd of thousands, people all wearing green and white, and seeing her with that proverbial smile of hers. (ooh! ooh! there she is again! there’s ate ria and Jackie too! Animo La Salle!)

you ever do get out of the house and go to school, 93% of the people you meet call you kuya, 5% ask you, “what are you doing in school mr. cuesta? Taking up a masters degree I presume”, 1.5% don’t want to see you at all, and .5% say “haha, ikaw rin. Ang tagal na natin sa skul toni!”

you try to have fun by over-exaggerating (over na, exaggerated pa) your current situation and hope that people would find it funny even though you yourself think it’s pathetic.

ayun lang

2005-09-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sept. 15, 2005

So, that’s how she looks like on TV. Ganda. I think she looks better in person though.

Look, shudder and gasp.

Go La Salle pala! =)

Sept. 14, 2005

I so damn need to get my hands on a/n SLR!!! GRRRR!!! Three contests to join!!! Have to win! Kaya natin ‘to joey!

---

Just started a deviantart account. Now, if I can only find things to upload. Hahaha. Thanks mics. =)

---

I’m going to finish this thesis for my mom. I’m going to do this because I have to move on with my life. I’m going to do this because there are people who still believe that I can. (thanks cy. thanks ate ria. thanks jackie.)

Sept. 13, 2005

Ha! I never thought I could run that fast! Hay. I guess this means I can never walk in school the same way again. Hay.

---

So that’s how a mall looks like. Tagal ko nang di lumalabas ng bahay. Hahaha. Parang God must me crazy. Pinoy version. =)

---

Yellow and brown. Pwde palang combination yun? Haha.

Sept 12, 2005

I really hate that commercial. Please make it stop! Sheeesh…

---

got this from an article about Joseph Rosmon Tuazon from the PDI (Sept. 11, Sunday Inquirer Magazine, From Comic Book Dreams to Poetry Prizes by Eric S. Caruncho). He won the first prize for Poetry in Filipino at the 55th Palanca Awards.

“The collection explores the idea of ‘poem’ as the constant failure to recover, recognize, remember,” he (Tuazon) continues. “The failure to articulate is the inability to save oneself. The poet is the self-appointed tally keeper and assessor between these ‘calamities,’ a task that can’t even be entrusted to him since history and the inevitable are both true and made up in his hands. This he does to stay sane, perhaps, and safe, while caught in the deadlock of recall and anticipation. The poet could but rely on intuition, cross the path between hesitation and salvation. The poem is a reconstruction of memory and chance, and at times even the poet fails to see its purpose: his. He chooses the manner of his loss.”

Quite a mouthful. But a very interesting read.

Sept. 11, 2005

Oh my. I just found out that my mother wants to work for an NGO after retirement. It’s a good “oh my” by the way. I’m just surprised, that’s all. I’m proud of my mom.

---

I told my friend that I’m pretty lost right now. I still consider myself a perfectionist (on the things I like at least). And when failures keep on compounding, it’s only natural for one to feel down and maybe, at times, to have doubts on one’s self. But this afternoon is one of those rare moments when the planets are in position, the stars are aligned and the universe is in harmony -- and you just know exactly what you really want in life. I don’t believe in those things by the way—I just like to say them because they sound so dramatic. =)

And so: I want to have my own restaurant someday. Something between fun and fancy. A place where I can invite my friends to hang out. A cross between a bookstore, an art gallery and a fine dine place. =)

Also: I want to teach at the communication department. I feel I have so much to share to young people. To urge them to think for themselves. To inspire them to do something creative. Now, I just have to prove to the department that I CAN.

Yun lang, bow. =)

Sept. 10, 2005

Happy birthday Mamang Pulis! =) (thanks pala for making up the term. *wink*)

I love you Ma.

---

Wee, I won! =) After having a hearty meal, Mama and I went to National Bookstore to buy some cardboards. (we were supposed to see a movie but because of that wonderful film review by JJ about Red Eye, we decided just to go shopping. and grocery-ing. =)

Anyways, as I was/were (?) saying. We were at the NBS buying cardboards for my mom. She’s the chief Police Community Relations officer at the Central Police District Command, by the way, and she needs the cardcoards for a seminar they’re holding next Saturday. When we were about to leave the cashier, the saleslady/bagger told us to go to a booth. She said that the Star Paper have this promo and we bought enough (we bought 50 packs of 10s – 50 packs!) to qualify for a game!

You have to run a wire around loops of bare wire without touching it (it’s Buzzer Game for the Neopet people). My mom tried it first. She was pasmado so she didn’t get very far. So I said I’ll do it for her. And so I did. First station, as easy as 1-2-3. Second station, a little tension on the wrist but got through it just as well. Now, the third station is not that easy: three consecutive loops similar to that of a crazy roller coaster ride. Now the heart beats faster, the shoulders stiffen, the palms moisten. Deep breath, and out the third loop. Whew. The final challenge: a loop, a straight path, 2 consecutive loops and a spiral. Now, you don’t just have to turn the wrist but turn the whole body as well. Exag no? I feel all the blood in my body has found their way to my head and for no apparent reason decided to stay there. My heart’s up my throat too, sweat beading on my temple. I stopped breathing. No buzz.

“Galing nyo po sir” says the saleslady. Huh? Eeek! I won! Wee! She hands me a piece of paper with the instructions how to claim my price. Then I look at Mama. She’s smiling at me. You know naman mothers, even the smallest and most nonsensical thing in the world is a big thing for them as long as it was done by their child. So I said, “ma, akin na cel mo.” “Bakit,” she asked. “Basta!” I replied. Then I texted the number written on the piece of paper. 2 days later, she got the prize. =)

Ayun. =)

Sept 9, 2005

Tapos na =(

Great ending. Nothing mushy. Just right. Sounds like cooking pasta. Hahaha.

Pero ok lang. Meron namang... *drum roll*

Just started. Every week, Tuesdays, after Smallville. =)

---

Merlin, sorry di ako nakapunta sa party mo! =(

---

So, that’s how a sunset at Manila Bay looks like. Hmmm. Nothing really special. Ha!

---

How can i write about another person’s story when all i have is a vague idea what life is. Hay.

***

naipong ramblings over. =)

afterthoughts

2005-09-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

Sept. 3, 2005
(advance) happy birthday blog. one year na pala. makes you wonder how different things might have been.

***
Aug. 23, 2005
He had been staring at the damn thing for 2 hours. How hard can it be, he had been asking himself incessantly, just pick up the phone and dial her number, it’s not that complicated, is it?

***
Aug. 27, 2005
I don’t want it to be like this. I want it to be like… like… the truth is, I don’t know what I want anymore. All I have is this vague picture in my head, something great, something grand, something that I dream about endlessly – something perfect. It is something I want to write, but couldn’t. I always fall short. Always. Maybe, Sir was right, it’s just all blahblahblah.

***
Sept. 1, 2005
Opus Dei and MLM’s have something in common, they force you to do things that you would otherwise not do by making you believe that what they offer you is all there is to the world. Was I really that naïve?

***
Aug 29, 2005
currently listening to: The Company.

***
Aug. 15, 2005
If he had just been sensitive, nothing of this would have happened. During times of great anxiety, he has always displayed a keen sense of knowing what the other person was thinking, what the other person felt and what the other person wanted. But this time, it is different. Being sensitive always requires someone to be presumptuous, and an assumption is the last thing he needed now. He remembers that it was exactly his misreading her actions which led to this stand-off. And so he decides: he shall wait.

***
Sept 2, 2005
he was told that his being evasive is where his problem lies. but the truth is, he was just trying to be self-effacing. he always believed that he never had the audacity of a journalist and certainly none of the adroitness of a poet. telling a story required both. without the first, one becomes abstruse and ambiguous, without the second, one becomes rude and tasteless. so what does lack of both make him? he didn’t know either. what he believed though is that he was tactful, the same neutrality of character as someone who writes essays. he calls it “defined vagueness”, when one works with the intention of calling attention to himself but without showing his face or at the most, revealing only a glimpse of it. come to think of it, it was not skill in words or in thought that was lacking in him, rather, it was confidence.

senti

2005-07-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

Tears fall easier when it rains. As I have proven once again this afternoon. Despite my very tight schedule (and I mean crazy tight), I, for some stupid reason, was still able to make time for some recreational watching this afternoon. I'm so pressed for time that even while I’m typing this sentence right now, I am wondering what in God’s name am I doing posting a blog at this time when I only have less than a month to finish my thesis?

Perhaps only a handful of people would have an idea what The Classic is, but it is one of the many non-American films that I really love. I have seen it lots of times, but amusingly, each time is always like the first time. I laugh, cry and say “awww” at the same old scenes I have already seen for about a dozen times. Take into consideration that my copy isn’t quite as good as I would want it to be. It’s a VCD copy I ripped into my computer so the sound and picture aren’t that as clear as when you watch it in a real VCD player. And of course, it’s nothing compared to the clarity of a DVD copy. Also, my copy has that annoying Mandarin Chinese voiceover that tries to translate even the parts where the characters are crying. Panira talaga ng moment, I tell you! Grrr! Nevertheless, I still love the movie – and for many reasons. And the experience of watching it (or any senti movie for that matter) wouldn’t be as wonderful as when you watch it while the weather is cold and you have a nice cup of joe with you. *Sarap!* =)

That is why I love the rain. You can just let it all out. Kung gusto mo umiyak, ibuhos mo lang ang iyong luha kasabay ng pagtangis ng langit. Kung gusto mo tumawa, sabayan mo lang ang masayang ingay ng mga patak ng ulan. At kung sesuwertehin, malay mo, may isang taong makarinig sa iyo at maisipan kang damayan. *cue Nescafe commercial*

My original title for this post was “Out of Focus, Out of Sync”. Out of focus, meaning I can’t concentrate, which is something that isn’t new to me, and is proven by my recent impulse to blog when I’m severely crunched for time. Also, I’m seriously beginning to have doubts whether one can really make a movie out of the script I’m writing. Out of sync (a term I got from russ’ post, thanks again russ) because my body clock has totally gone haywire. I worked last night from 7:00 until 10:30 this morning nonstop, had breakfast at 11, slept at 11:30 and woke up at 5:30 in the afternoon to have lunch. I wonder what time I will be having my dinner. Even when I was lying on my bed this morning, I was wondering if I really still do need to sleep, or whether it would be better if I just do away with it and sleep early tonight. Apparently, my eyelids got the better of me. Out of focus and out of sync also applies to my current disposition in the greater scheme of things. I have a lot of things on my mind but I can’t seem to straighten them up in my head. Oh well, the universe can go on very well without me. As the great smelly Pumbaa would say, Hakunah Mutata!

Anyways, there goes my internet break. I need to go back to work now or else, at the end of the term, I would again be crying. And it wouldn’t be because of the rain. By the way, a little trivia to go along with this post, did you know that the war sequence in The Classic was shot in the Philippines? Some of the things you learn when you actually read the credits up to the end. =)

quick post

2005-07-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

very busy busy. 30 days before deadline of thesis. very busy busy. but my friend russ was kind enough to let me borrow some of her words. thanks russ. =) so for toni's post for tonight, please click on this link and go to russ' posts for july 7 and july 15 (in that order). 'til the next post. =) thesis thesis thesis. =)

over the moon... almost...

2005-07-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

had a really wonderful day! except maybe for that unwelcome phone call which woke me up early this morning, the day was fantabulously splendid (please excuse the cheesy superlatives). in the morning, my mother and i jump-start our day with the usual sunday morning mass, the usual meeting with the Big Boss. then we go to cainta to have a small salu-salo at the house of my cousins for a post birthday kainan. grilled liempo, chicken barbecue, inihaw na bangus at sinigang na hipon. sarap! =) then kwentuhan with the family while we have dessert -- a very very long dessert that stretches up to merienda. then, the thing i was waiting for: red horse beer. it's about time i get some alcohol into my system! =) then UAAP. am i drunk or is that score really 50 Lasalle, 20 Ateneo? (hehe, evol laugh)
>:)

yun lang. antok na ako. and i can hear bells ringing (too much alcohol i think. yun bang parang namimintig na yung tenga mo. hehe.)

***

btw, i have turned apolitical for the moment. there's just too much noise but no one's really saying anything worth listening to. the issues will die eventually of natural death for the very reason that there ISN'T really an issue -- just a monotony of senseless bickering. let her stay and follow the due process of impeachment. tapos ang usapan di ba? and also, asking for someone to voluntarily resign is just plain stupid. that wouldn't be voluntary if you force someone out of office, would it?

yun lang ulit. pagod na ako sa gobyerno. pati yung mga nagtatrabaho ng matino nadadamay.

while i was thinking...

2005-07-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Dido - Do You Have A Little Time

... about my story, an image of a crow came into mind. then i remembered a phrase Malate has been using to name their yearly poetry event: reinkarnasyon ng salita. and thus...

reinkarnasyon ng salita - mixed media / photoshop 7.0

last days

2005-07-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Dido - Sand In My Shoes

Libre ni Sir Oliver kanina. Last day ko na kasi sa STAGES. Para bang Last Supper at bukas ay ipapako na ako. Well, mapapako ulit sa Thesis. =) The truth is, it’s not really my last day. I’ll still be working with Sir for Art Petron, Footloose, Once on This Island rerun and some marketing stuff for Trumpets. Tomorrow, we’ll be at Red Crab Greenbelt for the blockbuyers’ orientation (can’t wait to see Ate Ria!). Also, Sir Oli says I’d still be his priority writer if he needs some press releases and feature articles done. When I asked if STAGES had a replacement already in mind, Sir Oliver said they will try as long as they can not to have me replaced yet. There were days when Sir Oli would say, “Ikaw kasi, di mo pa kasi tapusin yang thesis na yan!” (That’s why they can’t hire me to be permanent) Strangely, it seems they liked my work. Hehe. Salamat naman. I hate disappointing people kasi e. As Ms.Tess said, “You’re always welcome to come back after you’ve finished your thesis.” =)

***

It’s basic film theory: A film is a suspension of disbelief. But I guess I was counting sheeps when that particular subject was being discussed in class. Imagine Spielberg’s E.T.s on drugs, driving monstrous 90-foot mechanized tripeds, emerging from sky, water and land to make spaghetti sauce out of human beings! And don’t forget the all-enduring protagonist who effortlessly escapes harm’s way trying to get to Boston and manages to destroy one of those giant contraptions using 2 grenades (which conveniently appeared out of nowhere) when an entire team of air and ground forces couldn’t even scratch the damn things. And what’s with that van of theirs? – the one which happened to survive an EMP shockwave, an airplane crash right next to it, a crash into an electrical post, an attack of a desperately insane mob and still run God-knows-how-far-a-distance on a single tank of fuel.

Yes, I’m talking about that oversized road-trip movie War of the Worlds. Heavy-handed, artificial, and ridiculously unbelievable, War of the Worlds is everything you’d expect a Hollywood sci-fi film to be. My mother never was a film person, except perhaps when you ask her about the tandem of Guy and Pip or the loveteam of Nestor De Villa and Nida Blanca and maybe some memories about Rogelio Dela Rosa and Rosa Rosal. But when we were watching the movie and I was calmly taking mental notes on what I was going to blog later that night, quietly, she was the first to react, “bida nga.” Aside from those I have already mentioned above, the list of irrefutably improbable and preposterously impossible occurrences in the movie goes on and on and on. But above all these inconsistencies, the most glaring fault of this movie is the way they have presented extraterrestrial beings – ironically, the manner to which these aliens have waged their war is so characteristically and unmistakably human: devious, unsophisticated, and recklessly stupid.

First point: They rely entirely on brawn. Using World War 2 standards, there is a basic formula to which one can gauge the effectiveness of a war machine:

E = f (p,s,a) ; where Effectiveness in warfare is the function of firepower, speed and armor.

What’s wrong with the picture? Read again: World War 2 standards. The formula doesn’t factor in other capabilities that present war machines have such as stealth (as in the case of B2 bombers or germ warfare perhaps), sustainability (as in the case of nuclear submarines that can go underwater for ages without refueling) and ability to be dispatched quickly (as in the case of VTOL’s – vertical take-off and landing fighters). To cut the long story short, trampling over and firing laser beams at puny little humans is as primitive a manner of aggression as Barok smashing Cheetae with a club. Strangely, it is the humans who have (unknowingly) employed the more “advanced” tactics of galactic warfare, making use of their ultra-fantabulous, uber-powerful and super-califragilisticexpialidocious immune system. This brings me to my second point.

Second point: For a pretty advanced civilization, they surely are pretty dumb. Let’s work with the story’s premise, a remorsefully unscientific but still valid attempt to put some internal logic to the film: The aliens have been planning this for millions of years (which is stupid since if in the first encounter the aliens already had the technology to travel into space, and burrow into the earth to hide such extremely large robots which have the capacity to blast everything on their path to kingdom-come, why didn’t they try at that moment to take-over the world when all the Neanderthal had were implements made of wood and stone… actually, to be historically accurate, the Neanderthal did not exist until 60,000 years ago, and what were existing 2 miilion years ago were homonids (creatures resembling human physiology) who actually don't have an idea what a stone is, thus erasing any decipherable opposition to their diabolical plans). It’s common sense, the more you plan, the less room for error. With such level of intelligence, and such a long time, one is left to ask: Is this the best they can do?

Third point: War is a concept created by man’s greed. The underlying principle at work here is that aliens are anthropomorphic. They indulge, they desire, they conspire and they kill – the way humans do. But the fact of the matter is, they would probably not think the way we think. Physiologically, there is little chance that they’ll be humanoids (beings which have some resemblance to human form). They probably won’t even have a physical form. Many planets have gaseous compositions, and to have a physical form like ours in that environment would surely be of disadvantage to them (or they won't even be in that form in the first place because they have to evolve to something else). Thus, concepts of mobility through walking, or digestion through sucking, or slaughter through laser beams, would probably be missing in their dictionary. But for a second, let’s imagine that aliens do look like what the creators thought of them to look. On a sociological standpoint, it is still unlikely that they would be able to conquer new worlds if their civilization can breed such destructively hostile behavior. It is most likely that with the technology they have, they would have probably blown themselves altogether before they could launch a single pod into space. If that be the case, then at least, we won’t be the only species in the universe who are capable of blasting itself into smithereens.

Interestingly, the most convincing representation of alien beings in a movie that I have seen is that of another Spielberg film. No, it’s not E.T. (duh?) Contact, where Jodie Foster plays an “orphaned” (in parentheses because she had no one and nothing to believe in except herself, alone in her search of that universal truth) scientist. It was a film dedicated to Karl Sagan, one of the greatest astrophysicists of our time. He (Karl Sagan) has authored several books regarding the possibility of extraterrestrial life, religion and philosophy.

And once again, I have stretched another topic to excruciatingly boring lengths. Tsk, tsk.

For all its worth, it is as suspenseful as my friends told me it was. Technically, I was amazed with how they made that freaking camera move so mobile. Especially when the family was in the van while going down the expressway, zigzagging its (the camera as well as the van) way around cars and other obstructions. Also, I have to admit that they did try to explore the main point of the story which is human’s desire for survival (but why do they have to make it so melodramatic? and it felt artificial. hay…). thus making any scientific incongruence a secondary if not an irrelevant concern. Story-wise, the best parts for me are: 1) when Ray, Robin and Rachel are inside the diner as gunshots are fired at the man who took their van 2) when Ray chooses between Robin and Rachel as the unstoppable leviathans try to make space dust out of poor helpless humans.

But again, going back to my original point, even a great director can’t hide the many inconsistencies in the story – a perfect example of the difficulties of adapting a story from one medium to another. I don’t blame them though for trying. CGI has made magic out of movies, making possible things older filmmakers only dreamed about during their time (a special mention goes to Orson Wells who did a stunt on radio in the 1970s which caused him some time behind bars and a deal of government fines for starting a public disturbance – apparently, people thought that Orson Wells news program was true: that aliens were trying to take over the world).

Final judgment: A popcorn movie of colossal proportions. Even H.G. Wells would have been happy, if only his other novel “Time Machine” could have been as real.

***

Last day of being 21 yesterday. Ang daming nangyari sa taong ito. And I have a hunch there sre plenty of exciting things to come. I’m really getting old. Hehehe. Maraming maraming maraming salamat po dun sa mga bumati. =) really really appreciate it.

By the way, as you may have noticed, this is my second post in 3 days (and very long posts at that). Kasi, I’ve noticed that my folder for unpublished posts is starting to get bigger and bigger; ideas and feelings that get wasted in harddrive space. You know, it’s like when you mean to say things but you’re not good in writing so you postpone it. And then even when a post is really necessary you still don’t publish your thoughts because somehow, you feel you still have to post those stuff that you have postponed to post but you don’t feel like finishing them anymore. And then, if you don’t write for awhile, it gets harder to write and then after awhile, it feels like it’s too late to write, and so you don’t, although you always know that you should have posted something. Gets?

So there, my second post in 3 days. =)

panalo!

2005-07-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

The DLSU Green Archers sweep the series with a 2-0 standing, winning against the Ateneo Blue Eagles at the Big Dome this afternoon. Yes, you read it right. And nope, the UAAP won’t be kicking-off until next Sunday.

Coming from a late lunch at the friendly neighborhood carinderia, I got home this afternoon and turned on the television for some pre-thesis and post-siesta viewing. And then, as I switch the channel to Studio 23, I saw some guy wearing a green and white jersey shooting a free throw. And I said to myself, “this can’t be the UAAP? It’s just July 2.” But curiously, the faces and the names of the players were strangely familiar. And then it dawned on me, “I get it!!!” Hilariously, as they were going to pause for a commercial break, they replayed a footage of Franz Pumaren making a tree point shot… to the tune of Holding Up for a Hero!!! Hahahaha! How retro can you be?!

The title can’t be more self-serving: The Ultimate Showdown: Ateneo VS. La Salle. But who’s complaining right? And besides, it’s no news that the school war between Ateneo and La Salle has been there at the top of the list among such great battles as The Peloponnesian War, The Crusades and World War 1 and 2. Hehehe. Yeah, it’s a tad exaggerated (duh?) but it’s true that the competition between the two schools is one of those realities of Filipino society permanently lodged in the country’s psyche (did I mention self-serving? Hahaha!). From the dug-out to the boardroom, the tension between the two schools can’t be more apparent.

Coming from that quaint little place along Ortigas Avenue called LSGH, I had my share of stories about the rivalry. I can still remember the time when groups of the 3rd year would assemble at the amusement center at the basement of “Gale” (Robinson’s Galleria) to meet up with you know who for you know what. And then, you hear of stories of troops among troops of security guards and police men assembling at Paeng’s (a bowling center by Paeng Nepomuceno, also at Robinson’s Galleria) to stop a group of kids from doing you know what. By the way, when I say “you know what” I mean it in a gang-war kind of way and not in a bastos, sleazy kind of way. Kayo talaga, green talaga kayo! Hahaha. Wait, I’m not sure which is better. Hahaha. Anyways.

As I have said, mostly are just stories and accounts from the higher batches but I did read some newspaper clippings of some incidents, especially that of the car window smashing spree at the Araneta (tama ba? Now I’m not quite sure of the place). I choose to tell it like this – a somewhat bystander-slash-chismoso kind of stance – because I never did have a first hand experience with those sorts of events. Fortunately, being part of the high school swimming team has kept me away from having my head bashed and my back whacked by a baseball bat. By the way, I have added a link to the Green Oysters (that’s what we perennially and lovingly call our team although officially, we are the Stingrays) site. Feel free to check it out and meet some of my friends. Interestingly, we have Ateneans on our team. How? Long story. Hehe. Also, don’t bother looking for me in the pictures, I have been a “no-show” guy for a very long time. The last party that I have attended after a long while was that 2 weeks ago. And unfortunately (or fortunately), we didn’t have camera that night. Oh well, there’s always the next time. =)

Back to the story.

But even without the baseball bats, the rivalry has been apparent in many areas aside from the basketball court. I need not expound on this so I won’t. But rephrasing what a good friend said in one of her speeches, “Ang lamang na lang ng mga taga-Ateneo ay wala pang Lasalistang nagiging presidente.” Point well taken.

The games this afternoon was an interesting mix of euphoria brought by the same school spirit that has fuelled the UAAP through the years (as well as poured money into the pockets of countless opportunistic scalpers) and a nostalgia of days gone by when you watch the UAAP games not just for the games but because of the fact that you had someone to watch it with with. Again, I’m not going to expound on the natural high you get from screaming your lungs out, jumping, thumping, waving, clapping your hands until your palms become a beautiful bloody pink, clenching and throwing your fist on the air every time your team gets to score (or when they don’t) – that’s pretty self-explanatory. But I guess the latter is something many people take for granted, or at least, don’t realize yet – not until the noise, the cheers and jeers have died down, that they find cheering beside them a person not only someone who goes to the same school and shares the same color they’re wearing, but a friend who has always been there for them, whether they win or lose in that ultimate game we call Life.

As Noli Eala has commented, “There’s a lot of pointing going around here.” If you’re scratching your head and asking what the heck that meant, so did I. And then he explained it. Every time a player makes a shot, he points to the crowd. He points out to the crowd where his family is seated, a simple gesture to say thanks to their support for all that they’ve been through. There were two games played this afternoon, one for those batches 84 and older (The Legends Game) and another for those batches 85 and younger (All-Star Game). This gives you an idea how old these people are. Following that train of thought, we can say that many of these players already have their own families. So for many, it didn’t come as a surprise (if they’re Atenean or Lasallian) to see their dad, uncle, older brothers or even lolo’s suiting up for their Alma Maters. And of course, if the daddies, uncles, kuyas and lolos were there, so were their better halves (halfs). It was heartwarming to see parents wearing their caps on reverse, mingling with their children’s barkada (hmmm… come to think of it, it was the opposite – I think the more mature crowd outnumbered the younger ones, a change from the usual teen-packed audience of the UAAP). The nostalgia comes from the fact that these player are paying tribute not only to the schools which have helped them become who they are now but more importantly, to their families who have been there beside them, in or out of the court.

As for me, the UAAP has been a very special event to watch out for each and every year. But admittedly, I imbibed the UAAP fever late in school. I did watch some games back in high school but all of them were on the TV. I was more interested in the water, arcade games, the library and schoolwork than watching basketball and having to pay for it (if I ever did go to Araneta). But I’ve heard of their names: Aldeguer, Webb, Allado, Ritualo, Jose. But they were nothing more than that, just names. The funny thing is, if a cousin or a friend greets me with a, “hoy! galing ng La Salle ha”, I was all smiles and I would say “oo nga! galing namin no?”. Then suddenly, they follow it up with, “pero sayang, bridesmaid lang…” When that happens, I just scratch my head and say “ah, ganun ba? hehehe” while laughing nervously.

It is not until college that I got to really feel that energy, being pumped up every time I hear that La Salle has won a game or that they’re (we’re) up against Ateneo. And then there was Plaridel. Aside from covering the EDSA 2 and Mendiola rallies, sneaking inside Araneta was my favorite job as a photographer. Why sneaking? Hehehe. Basta. Hehehe. And the fun thing about it is that I was not alone in this fiendish exercise of wits and pambobola. I had my Retrato friends along with me. Leading our version of Mission Impossible was Boss Obi, and his sidekick(s) Kuya Caloy and Kuya Marco (and Ate Sansan, minsan). Then there was Jam, Betsy, Elmo, Gekgek, Macri, Franco, Jean, Kate, Christine, Christian (I hope I didn’t forget anyone, ngay…). Then there were also our friends from Isports, Lea, Yanyan, Ate Joy (hmmm… sino pa ba?). We were there, cheering and shouting… all of us… at the courtside! Hahaha! I was in first year and we were champions. We had wonderful pictures of those games (and of us watching the games). And we had each other to make those times some of the most wonderful moments of our lives.

Maybe, this is stretching the topic a little tiny bit too much but everyone has to agree that each of us has his or her own memory of the games that are far beyond than just watching the ball go through the hoop. As for me, after last year’s basketball season, UAAP will not be the same way again. Oh well. Let’s see what this season has in store for me.

This afternoon’s games were wonderful. Shempre! La Salle ang panalo e! Hahahaha!!! But besides the obvious (still laughing… Hahahaha!!!), and besides the heart-pumping basketball, the games were also filled with scenes that would surely put a smile on anybody’s face. And I leave you now with some of them:

- Members of the pep squad having a hard time bending down when they were doing the Rektikano routine. *wink wink*

- The beats of the ‘80s punctuating each break or line-up call. Think We Built This City, Buttercup, Let’s Get Physical, Eye of the Tiger, .Footloose, Staying Alive, I’m Coming Out and a song that goes, “Ooooohhh there she comes, she’s a man-eater.” Yah mahn.

- Players on the bench wearing glasses. (And they were obviously not for reading) *wink wink* ulit.

- Gary Lising and Sen. Dick Gordon together on the parquet shouting “Blue Eagles, Blue Eagles” with the “senior” Blue Babble Battalion. =)

- Danny Francisco on the hardwood after 18 (?) long years. His is quite a story. I learned about him when he was featured on a documentary on channel 4 (or 5). He was regarded as the next Mon Fernandez. Until a heart condition totally ended his career, at least, as a player. He was playing this afternoon wearing a Kevlar armor under his jersey to protect his chest. Touching story really.

- Cong. Fuentabella making 7-point shots (2 player shootout).

- Tonichi Yturri and Ren-ren Ritualo going against Jojo Lastimosa and Epok Quimpo, also in the 2 player shootout.

- Vince Hizon vs Mon Jose, each being a shadow to the other, both literally and figuratively. The match-up makes more sense when you see how they looked so alike with their headbands and bald heads. =)

- Coach Franz Pumaren making 3 point shots in the Legends Game!

- And his brother Dindo bucketing 6 of the first 7 points for the DLSU in the All Star Game!

Panalo tayo! Animo La Salle! And Go Ateneo na rin! Panalo tayong lahat! Weee!!!

----

By the way, I’m back. In the blogging world at least. =)

i'm sorry

2005-06-02T01:39:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: You Won't See Me Crying / Passage

i'm sorry. i shouldn't have posted that comment. i guess this means goodbye then. glad to have met you. i didn't think a person could have that much effect on one's life for such brief a time. i'm sorry. thanks po for changing my life. i know this wouldn't change a thing, pero i miss you po. actually, i wanted to post so many things but i always find a reason not to. and all that i have written end up being saved as drafts. this is one of them.

Ubiquitous (05/20/2005)
You are everywhere I go, every person I meet, each face I see. You are there even when I am alone – especially, when I am alone. And in my solitude, I find you. I always find you. And amidst all the irony, strangely, I find myself smiling. Maybe, this is what they call melancholy, when you are not in control, when you find yourself in this mess when everything is sad and yet so beautiful.

i miss you so badly. walang araw na dumaan na di kita inisip. mula sa paggising ko sa umaga hanggang sa pagtulog ko, ikaw ang naiisip ko. sinubukan kitang kalimutan. but everywhere i look, i see your name. i always keep on finding you.

but i was not finding you. because nothing's there which was not there before. the fact is, i was searching for you. i was looking for you. that's why i always find you even in the tiniest scraps of my day.

i'm sorry tin. i hope life is treating you well.

i wish i could have written a better farewell letter. but you won't be reading this anyway. sorry.

tete-à-tete

2005-05-19T03:33:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: sleeping to dream / jason mraz, out of reach / gabrielle, pushing him away / drip

presently indisposed.

private conversations - mixed media / photoshop 7.0

longing

2005-04-29T03:33:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: sunrays and saturdays / vertical horizon

it's been exactly 1 week since i bumped into one of the most beautiful women on earth. and sadly, that was the last time i had a decent conversation with her. on the last text i received from her, she said she was sick, and that she was trying to find medicine in an alcohol-filled crowd but couldn't find any.

i guess, busy lang talaga siya. ang dami niya rin kasing pinagkakaabalahan sa school. i just hope she's holding up fine. nabasa ko ang blog ng isa kong kaibigan at nalaman ko na okay naman siya. sana, lagi siyang masaya. yun lang naman ang gusto ko, maging masaya siya.

sana, makausap ko siya ulit. pero kung hindi, okay lang din. nahihiya na rin kasi ako sa kanya dahil sa dami ng atraso ko sa kanya. malaki na rin kasi ang pinagbago ng pagkakaibigan namin. i guess life just happened kaya naging ganon ang sitwasyon namin.

kung mabasa niya ito, gusto ko sanang sabihin na thank you at sorry. thank you para sa lahat. sori para sa lahat. pero, mas maraming thank you. para sa lahat. i admit, i wished it could have been us. im sori. anyways, i wish ok na tayo. ikaw na rin naman nagsabi na sana bati na tayo. kaya bati na tayo. sana.

basta, if you need anything, nandito lang ako. sori if im trying too hard to be affectionate pagdating sa messages. alam kong naiinis ka na rin kaya di ka na nagreply sa akin nung last time akong nagtext. i hope life is treating you well. sana lagi kang masaya. ingat ka lagi at God bless.

shux.

2005-04-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

i bumped into one of the most beautiful women on earth when my face was peppered with pimples. so much for pogi points.

i said i didn't have a digital SLR (or any camera for that matter) when i was offered a 10,000 peso project. i hope i still get the job.

i got off on the wrong bus stop because even if i had been to makati a lot of times, i wasn't observant enough to take note where the right bus stop is (you can only get off at bus stops that are designated for unloading).

i took 7 hours to write a 1 and a half page press release that wasn't good enough to be published when boss needed help with a thousand other things. i hope i don't get fired.

from food to wisdom

2005-04-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

the most sensible thing i have heard for a long time:

the way to make something perfect is to keep it simple.

God bless the chefs of the world.

what!

2005-04-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

if YOU have something to say to me, SAY IT! i don't understand why YOU have to text me with sentences alluding to my previous posts and say "wala lang" or something to that effect. because it simply DOES NOT make sense. and if it was meant to mean something, i would really appreciate it if you just tell me directly what it was. Why? because that is the way "talking" works: you talk to the person and not send him messages pertaining to something that you expect him to know. because i don't.

for all it's worth, i did try to call you. i guess you know that very well. and i really believe that i DID deserve a little courtesy. but no, you really had to ignore each and every call and text i made. and what did i do, i went to your house the next day carrying this weird sense of guilt for something bad i didn't do. hell, i travelled all that way to say sorry for being ignored and lied to. and then, i get to learn later that night from your blog that you harpooned me for being honest with my feelings!

great. you're just great.

and i don't know why you have to be so smug in your post. i really think you should reflect on how you treat people. because not everybody can take the shit you put them through. not me, at least.

by the way, i had earlier erased any intention of writing a post about this matter. i broke my silence because i don't want my silence to be construed as guilt.

don't use my words against me. you have no right to do so.

ingat ka lagi at God bless.

pope benedict XVI

2005-04-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

it is interesting to learn that Cardinal Ratzinger, before being elected Pope, headed the office in the church which would correspond to the office responsible for great inquisition during the medieval ages. a great number of people consider him as an ultra-conservatist and his homily during the burial mass of the late pontiff john paul II reflects his theological standing.

but it is equally interesting to know that he was one of the chief liberal intellectuals that entered the Second Vatican Council in the 1960's. perhaps, this fact can either be taken as a good sign or a grimly omen to what is ahead in the next decade or so. one may say that inside that facade of rigidity and frightening firmness burns the heart of a temperate tolerant. or, God forbid, one can say that the church has been successful in demonizing his freethinking spirit making it cold, impersonal and obstinate for the sake of the law. it's hard to say, really. and so with a weird sense of amusement, i say this cliche: only God knows.

during the time of the early christians, peter and paul took on complementary tasks of leading the people in setting up the church. peter to whom the key of heaven was said to have been handed to by jesus, was more of the policy-maker. on the other hand, paul who was originally a persecutor of the christians was the evangelizer to the gentiles.

from this, it is not surprising that based on their names, john paul II and Benedict XVI will trudge / have trudged a similar path from that of their predecessors in building the church in the 21st century. john paul II was the envangelizer, having traveled the most of all the popes in history, having canonized one of the greatest number of saints (i have to check on this one), and having pushed for ecumenism. and from the looks of it, benedict XVI is going to be peter. to give a little background, benedict XV was the pope during world war 1. although he did not have the power to dictate the outcome of the war, his role as a diplomat was instrumental in saving the lives of many soldiers and civilians in a divided Europe, constantly negotiating with the different parties to save one human life at a time. now, benedict XVI"s main challenge is to unite a divided church through diplomatic discussions with the other cardinals, congregation leaders and other important religious. issues like situational ethics (liberal theology), scarcity of priests (corollary to this is the admission of women to the priesthood and lifting the vow of celibacy), and other internal matters. as one journalist said, "benedict XVI will likely be a house-pope."

again, we can only speculate.

i have always considered myself as a left-wing catholic. and the news of having not only a conservative pope but also a distant one, is less than settling. but just the same, i'm thankful that there is a new pope. watch the reruns of his first address / blessing to the world. the sight of the people rejoicing in saint peter's square is really moving.

rejoice! we have a pope!

boredom happens

2005-04-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: goldfishes sharing to each other their thoughts.

my sanity hangs by a thread.

the fallacy of the red salmon - photoshop 7.0

there are so many things that should be done but there is nothing to do. i have nobody to talk to because i have chosen to be alone. and the joy of having done so makes me sad. i am so spent from work that i am too tired to rest.

yes, fallacies make my life logical.

***

cardinal electors have entered the conclave. please pray for them and for the next pope.

sira

2005-04-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

bwisit! kung kailan pa ako nagtitipid, saka pa nasira phone ko! bwisit! bwisit bwisit! sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, kung kayo ay nagtext sa akin at di ko pa kayo narereplyan, hindi ako suplado. hehehe. obvious ba? =) shet, galit nga pala ako dapat sa pesteng phone na yan. okay, galit mood ulit. sori po. sira po kasi ang phone ko. namamatay siya ng kusa at minsan ay tuluyang di na nabubuhay kahit anong gawin ko. kaya kung may mahalaga po kayong mga bilin, katanungan, o kung anu pa man, macocontact ninyo po ako sa (02)9292398. ito po ay sa bahay namin. pero since nasa trabaho ako madalas, at wala kami madalas sa opisina (nasa field work), pakitext ninyo na lang ako sa gabi. kung minsan kasi, sinusumpong ang telepono ko at bigla na lang gumagana kapag gabi. kapag hindi pa rin ako nakapagreply sa text ninyo sa matagal na panahon, baka tuluyang hindi na nakarating ang inyong mensahe dahil matagal na nakapatay ang phone ko. o kung makapaghihintay naman kayo at maaring maipaalam ng mas maaga, maaari ninyo pong i-email sa toni_cuesta@yahoo.com o sa tonicuesta@gmail.com ang inyong mga mensahe. o kung okay lang naman malaman ng iba ang message ninyo, kahit dito na lang sa blog. =) o kung gusto ninyo rin subukan, pwede ninyo na lang isigaw ng napakalakas ang inyong mensahe at baka sakaling marinig ko. isisigaw ko rin ang sagot ko. hehe. huwag ninyo nang subukan ang smoke signel. di ako marunong bumasa ng usok, unless the message is in bisaya. =P

kaya.

sa mga mapera at may ginintuang puso diyan, may isang tao ritong higit na nangangailangan ng cellphone. hehehe. siyempre, bibilhin ko naman ano! hindi naman ako ganoon kakapal. minsan lang. hehehe. or kung may alam kayong mapagkakatiwalaang repair shop ng nokia 6110 (tama ba ung modelo? basta, yung model ng nokia na gamit ko lagi na hindi naman akin at ngayong nasira ko ay malamang ay patayin ako ng tunay na may-ari kaya sana ay huwag niya muna malaman), palagay naman sa COMMENTS kung saan sila matatagpuan. maraming shalamaht! =)

bow. =)

the word is...

2005-04-13T01:27:00.000-07:00

courtesy.

learn some.

***

Music

Counting Crows - Round Here
Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
H & Claire - Beauty And The Beast
Nickelback - Do This Anymore
Once On This Island (Musicale) - Rain
3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
Staind - Zoe Jane
Steven Curtis Chapman - When Love Takes You In
Train - When I Look To The Sky
Michael Buble - Home
Josh Groban - Vincent

***

Kafka

Guess what? I have the same birthday as Franz Kafka! and exactly 100 years ang difference ng age namin! COOLNESS! Maybe I should start reading his books! hehehe, connect. (ang daming exclamation marks. hehehe. obvious bang natuwa ako sa discovery ko?) =)

"the works of Kafka have been recognized as symbolizing modern man's anxiety-ridden and grotesque alienation in an unintelligible, hostile, or indifferent world." -- hmmm. seems interesting. mahanap nga si Kafka. hehehe.

Some quotes:

This little woman, then, is ill-pleased with me, she always finds something objectionable in me. I am always doing the wrong thing to her. I annoy her at every step; if life could be cut into the smallest of small pieces and every scrap of it could be separately assessed, every scrap of my life would certainly be an offense to her.

Wisdom is thus not what men first of all seek. They seek, instead, the justification for what they happen to cherish.

The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That, indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me.

It is the thousandth forgetting of a dream dreamt a thousand times and forgotten a thousand times, and who can damn us merely for forgetting for the thousandth time?

And coincidentally, Milan Kundera, the author of my favorite favorite favorite book The Unbearable Lightness of Being(second only to The Little Prince), also had some influences from Kafka. Hanep!

in peace

2005-04-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

and the long journey comes to an end.

Réquiem ætérnam dona ei, Dómine.

Et lux perpétua lúceat ei.

Requiéscat in pace.

Amen.

Anima eius et animaæ omnium fidelium defunctorum per misericordiam Dei requiescant in pace. Amen.

***

whatever that is you are doing, please take a little time to pray and pay homage.

rest

2005-04-08T01:59:00.000-07:00

if that is the only way i can make you happy, then i will let you have your way. i'll let you have the last word. i hope this lessens the burden i have caused upon you by being part of your life. and i hope you find the peace of mind you're looking for. goodluck sa buhay. ingat ka lagi at God bless sa iyo ms. anonymous.

breaktime

2005-04-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing / Jack Johnson

***

got the day off.

but still tired.

back to work tomorrow.

haven't got over the fragmented thoughts thingie yet.

overtime

2005-04-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

first day of work.

tiring.

from this point onwards, what you will be reading are fragmented thoughts. but if you know gestalt, then i think you're smart enough to make sense out of this post.

went to sleep this morning at 5 am. had so many thoughts on my mind. woke up at 8. had to go to work.

i got off at the wrong train station. had to take taxi. still sleepy.

was late. got to the office at 10:11. i was asked to write a press release due at the end of the day. i started writing. having problems with words. im a photographer, not a writer. still writing.

boss asks me if i can continue it later. we had to go to westin. saw people. rich people. it is Ferragamo's press conference for its spring release. rich people are peculiar. men talk with loud deep voices. women look young even if they are old. some fail to hide the truth... miserably.

met susan joven. a very nice woman. she is introduced to us as an icon in the PR industry / field (still having problems with jargons). she humbly declines the title. she says she would rather be called hard-working. she's a very nice woman, ms. susan joven. she makes a comment about the salmon being bland. she's joking with the chef. she puts sauce in the salmon. she tells me that the salmon is bland when i was waiting for my turn in the buffet table. "lagyan ko ng matamis na sauce. matabang kasi e," she says.

saw ferragamo fashion show while eating my salmon. in wide screen tv's. real fashion show on the 18th (tama ba? i'm a sucky student). james ferragamo didn't come to the presscon. but he will be there on the 18th (again, not sure of the date). didn't like the bags. although they are nice. women can buy those in marikina if they searched really good.

went back to office at greenbelt mansions full of salmon. i liked the salmon even if it was bland.

went back on writing press release. it is now 3 pm. having problems with sentence construction. me no speak english. have a hard time writing in english. i wish i was good in english. a lot of papers around me. newspapers, previous press releases, news cutouts.

5:30 pm. have finished two different versions of the press release. one based on Inquirer style: lean meat, no fat article. basic 5 W's of journalism. another version based on lifestyle article of manila bulletin. a great number of adjectives said in the superlative. looks like a copy for an advertisement.

mr. oliveros checking some orgcom theses. i tell mr. oliveros im finished. he asks, "you're finished?" it's either he doesn't believe me or he is just impressed. he once mentioned he liked my curriculum vitae. he should be. honors' class in high school. 1 full page of conferences (national and university) attended and awards. officer in organizations and head of foundation program for 2 years. yabang ko. just trying to make my self feel good. because day was really tiring. back to story.

he looks at the two vesions. i showed him first the no-fat article. a lot of comments. i said i just followed what he said. kept it simple and journalistic, straight and short. still comments. i said why doesn't he check the other version. he liked the "radio-ad" version. he does some little changes regarding titles and jargons.

6 pm. finished with press release. still have 1 hour to complete my 8 hour work day.

was asked to photoedit 300+ pictures. not really photoedit as in edit. just need to choose what 4 photos are to be used in the press release. had a hard time again. not much from choosing but in using the computer. large image files, very very sloooooow Imac.

730. 30 minutes overtime. computer still doesn’t want to cooperate. or perhaps, computer just having a hard time just like me. a bit hungry. Mr. Oliveros asks if I am hungry. I said no. I’m super trainee. super trainees don’t get hungry during work. even if overtime.

8 pm. still scanning through pictures. 2 cd’s worth of pictures. at least, photos are nice. pictures of betinna carlos, christian bautista, cathy bordalba and other trumpets people. but people in the office say the set is one of Jason Tablante’s worst photos.

8:15. have chosen 2 photos. still have to get two. finally! picture of children wearing nickelodeon tshirts. jumping, all smiles and happy. I wish I were happy. At least I’m done for the night.

mr. oliveros is going to get food. he asks me why don’t I eat first before I go home. I said mother prepared food for me. he says, “are you sure?” I said im okay. he doesn’t know I am the super trainee. super trainee is never hungry when asked even if he is.

9:15. still in bus. traffic in EDSA. and no load. I go to sleep.

9:45. finally, house sweet bahay. no lights. no one at home. I’m now very hungry. I eat out. got to pares house. checked my phone. cousin Julius texts me if I were coming with them at Don Henrico’s. it was his graduation dinner. I said I was really sorry I wasn’t able to go. the time in the message: 8:45 pm.

mama sends message that she will be on duty tonight. okay. will be alone tonight.

tiring.

end.

a day

2005-04-05T03:29:00.000-07:00

Tototonton. I just can’t seem to get that word out of my head.

After a horrendous day at school, I decided to pay my dear little niece a visit in their place in Cainta. They have been here in the Philippines for about a couple of weeks now since they arrived last March 25. My cousin Ate Malou, his husband Kuya Joseph and Lila Martina are now living in Shenzhen. Kuya Joseph works as an associate architect (I’m not sure it I got the position right) for WalMart China and is currently on a business trip around Asia. Since China is obviously a little tiny bit different from home, they have decided that Lila and Ate will stay in the Philippines while Kuya goes on his business trips. I would have visited them as early as Mar 27 if not for that dreaded thesis that I am now starting to love. And this afternoon seemed to be a wonderful time for catching up.

When my mother and I arrived, we caught little Lila watching Spongebob Squarepants in Nickelodeon (did I get the spelling right?). And then when she saw me, she goes “Tototonton! Tototonton!” If you haven’t got it yet, it’s lila-talk for “Tito Tonton!” Don’t get me wrong. She is one heck of a kid, a very smart kid. She’s what, 3? And yet, she speaks English in complete sentences. Of course, there is the occasional undecipherable baby talk but fortunately for us, this is where context cues come in handy. Also, it is quite amusing to hear her with her British accent. Apparently, she imbibed the accent of the Ex-pats in the building where they are staying. She understands Filipino, Chinese and Bisaya. If she gets tired of talking to you, she would say “Ambot sa imo!”

And she’s photogenic too. As you could see in the pictures, Lila is not of the shy type. Ate Malou tells me how Lila would pose every time she would hear the word “smile”. And since Kuya Joseph would usually bring Lila in the office, his boss got an idea to have Lila pose for WalMart. They haven’t received yet the schedule for the shoot but most probably, it will be on June or July when they get back to China.

And as I look at her, growing up so fast, I get to feel a little bit old.

I have about 7 nephews and nieces from my immediate family (not nuclear -- I’m an only child) and two of them already call me “Tito Tonton”. It wont take long that Lila will also call me “Tito Tonton” and as soon as the rest start talking, all of them would be calling me “Tototonton”.

***

My cousin Julius, the brother of Ate Malou, will be having his grade school graduation tomorrow. And we were all very excited about it. Let’s just say he had a hard time budgeting his time between studying and his PC games. I told him, “Nice one Juls! Good job dude! Sa wakas, natapos din!” Then I gave him a handshake and a tap on the shoulder. Although it seems that the handshake and the tap on the shoulder were all too paternal, I really did feel like I was talking to a gentleman, similar to that affirmation of a father or an older brother of a boy’s coming into manhood. I just hope so he starts acting like one. I’m very proud of my cousin.

***

After the job interview at Shangri-La, my mother asked if I could pass by her office for a while. I said I was on the MRT on my way to school but I won’t be staying there long. I just had to meet someone and share to her the good news. And so, after settling whatever is that I had went to school for, I head my way to my mother’s office.

And when I got there, worried that she might have gotten “tampo” with me after i have texted her twice without her replying, I find my mother chatting with the other policewomen. They were talking about our house in Bulacan. Then I realized that my mother wanted me to go to the office because she wanted me to be there when she shared the pictures of the new house with her friends. All I could do was laugh.

My mother has gotten through a lot. If I were to write a telenovela about something, it would be her life: the probinsyana who cried, suffered but endured all the agony life can throw at her, and turned out to be triumphant in the end. It is Marimar meets Analuna. It is not surprising that she loves these kinds of stories. I think her favorite book of all time besides the kursilyo guide is the biography of Lee Iacocca. It is the classic Cinderella story minus the fairy godmother, the carriage and horses that become mice and pumpkin at the stroke of midnight.

I was not making fun of her when I laughed. I was just really happy that she was happy with what she has accomplished in her life. She was so happy that she wanted her dear unico hijo to witness her doing a rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”. It was really a wonderful sight: my mother seated in a monoblock chair lecturing the younger police in front of her who are resting on a bed about life and how to go about it. It was ancient Greece feminized.

The picture would have been complete if not for me. I love the new house. But I love my friends more. I love the city more. I don’t want to move yet to Bulacan. If DA or Lea is reading this, or Jamelle, I have no intention of discrediting our dear Bulacan. But unlike you who are near Caloocan, we are in the Bulacan Province proper. It is near the end of the route buses take. Although it has most of the features of the city, it lacks the one that is next only to electricity in importance: telephones. In our part of Bulacan, telephone lines are yet to be built. Although the mobile phone presents itself to be the next best thing, you cannot connect to the Internet with it. And although many people consider silence (lack of noise) as a plus in choosing a house, in my opinion, the place is too quiet. People go to sleep at 9 or 10. After that, all you can hear are crickets.

I love the city. But I love my mother more. And when she moves out, I have to move out too with her. What shall I do?

***

I’m keeping the apartment. I know it will hurt my mother to learn that I don’t want to move to Bulacan. But I think it will be more of a disappointment to her if I don’t learn how to fend for myself. Now, I get to prove to her that 20 years or so have not gone wasted.

I have a job now. For a PR (Public Relations) firm. Although part time, I think it will not take long until I get a permanent one. I guess this signals the start of my independence.

Tomorrow, I’ll be at the Westin Philippine Plaza to observe a press conference for Ferragamo. Although I have no idea what Ferragamo is, except of course the common knowledge of it being one of those things 98% of the Filipino population cannot have (including me of course, hell of course including me), I am excited for tomorrow’s event. My boss says it is part of my training – an immersion as he puts it.

I won’t be earning a lot from the job but I think the experience that I will be learning from this is which that is invaluable.

***

And so goes an afternoon in my life: A day lonelier, but a day wiser. I wish I find my way.

***

This growing old thing is ironic. Independence makes you strong by making you alone.

being twenty-something

2005-04-01T04:39:00.000-08:00

I am a firm believer that e-mails are e-mails and that blogposts are blogposts. but just the same, im posting this email i received from someone who sent it to a yahoogroup where i'm a member because i feel that it would do many of us a great help. It was originally a chain letter that is why i was a little bit apprehensive to read it, at first. I do still have some second thoughts in my mind even now that i am posting it -- again, rule number 7 of blogposting: emails are emails, blogposts are blogposts.

i think it would be nice to know that we are not alone in this moment of our lives, when almost everything is a blur and we get ourselves lost in this cursed place many would call Limbo. and so, the decision of posting this pseudo-essay of a person whose identity i have no idea of, but is kind enough to send an unpretentious brief of the twenty-something condition.

i was reading the blog of a friend of mine and was chatting with him in YM on the night i posted this. It is amazing how articulate and honest the way he expressed what he had inside: "i feel......iffy....ahy....somebody shoot me." we try to look for that magic pill that would instantly take away all the anxiety, doubt and uncertainty. unfortunately, this is life and not a migraine, and solutions aren't sold in aspirin bottles. and as he have said it: "i feel...wala....labo...nde sad, nde happy, nde depressed...wala talaga. nde naman empty..nde naman ako bato....pero ngayon...wala lang." he adds, "nde ako suicidal, pero i never saw myself growing old. kaya i wanna achieve a lot ...not achieve in a medal sort of way. but i wanna be somebody na.... basta... i wanna be.... happy.... contented.... have people be happy as well...."

you're one of the people i look up to jay. have trust in your self. we will all get through this.

although i am aware that blaming one's age is a very simplistic if not naive way of looking at it, it is undeniable that the length of one's stay in the world usually coincides with the stages of one's growth. and a requisite of growth being the shit along the way. shit make good fertilizers, you know. and you usually find that special kind of shit at Street 21 and Avenue 43. (sorry, my metaphors are getting all mixed-up.)

i've edited some stuff and so what you will be reading is a modified version. i hope the owner of this essay / open letter doesn't sue me for copyright infringement. i would have put your name, dear author, if i only knew who you were. thank you for the wonderful insight.

***

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom you become scared.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

loser

2005-03-29T21:54:00.000-08:00

Everything is ruined. And it is all my fault.

My mother and I have so much planned for this year. We are set to move in to our new house this May. The house blessing was set to coincide with the graduation party, mama’s promotion party and a family reunion. Afterwards, we were planning to go to Boracay or perhaps, a trip abroad.

But that will not happen. Well at least one isn’t.

This summer, I wanted to go to all the parties and out of town gimmicks without worrying that I still have some unfinished business to attend to. I wanted to get drunk and wasted and not be guilty about it. I wanted to spend this summer carefree, fulfilled and proud.

But I won’t.

Because I am not going to graduate.

The incubation period for my concept took too long. It took me about 3 months just to arrive at a viable story, a meta-narrative. And when I finally got it down on paper, it wasn’t for a screenplay after all.

“It would make a very interesting novel -- one that borrows heavily from Chari Lucero.”

Unfortunately…

“But it's too diffuse and sprawling for a screenplay, which needs to be tight. You're thinking in words, not images/scenes.”

And that …

“A feature film is more like a short story than a novel. You still have a lot of work to do, unless you shift to Creative Writing.”

I’m not only working on a story for the wrong medium, now, I’m also a plagiarist. Of course I can always say that we have the same topic (the Suludnon tribe of Panay and a story about story-telling) and that parallelisms and similarities are bound to happen. But then, who will believe me? Rosario Lucero has a number of literary awards under her name, including 2 Palanca 1st Prize awards. And I, what do I have? Not a single thing.

So what do I do? I change my story – 4 days after the designated date for the submission of screenplays. I changed the story because I thought if I made something that resembled a short story instead of a novel, I would still be able to make it. I was hoping that a petition to the thesis coordinator and the department chair would do the trick as long as I have done something that is worthy of my mentor’s signature.

But what happens? My mentor gets pissed-off at me. And for very good reasons. I have been pestering him during the break with emails upon emails of ideas about the thesis, pleading for help even if I myself clearly know that I was hoping for nothing less than the impossible. I can’t even call those emails drafts. They were more like scratch papers. And after being kind enough to actually read ALL of my emails, sharing his thoughts and comments regarding the concept and the storyline, when he should have been resting and enjoying the break, I suddenly change my story. Since what I submitted to him was something I snatched from the top of my head, it was bound to be sub-par. It has a story, but the point wasn’t clear enough. Also, as my mentor made it very clear, it was far from the concept that the department approved.

And so I stare at my monitor, typing this post, not knowing what to do next. My mother hasn’t arrived yet and I bet the news would… actually, I don’t know how my mother will react to the news. I think she has been in enough disappointment for more than a year now that another unwelcome news wouldn’t all be too surprising. She might have been more shocked if our new house wasn’t finished by this week.

I have failed. And I have failed terribly, miserably. I have failed my friends who gave their support all the way. I have failed my mentor who has been patient and considerate with me. I have failed my mother who has given all her love despite everything – trusting me that I can finally fulfill her dreams by actually finishing college, at long last. I have failed my self as an artist. I shouldn’t be calling myself that! I don’t deserve the label. Artists are smart people. Artists are successful people, maybe not always on the financial side, but they are successful nonetheless. Artists are happy and fulfilled. Artists have something to impart to the world and to humanity. Artists are not losers.

I have failed. And I am going to fail Projco2, going to get a O.O for the second time, in five tries, in two years.

I am a loser. Because I think so.

***

I am really NOT in a good mood right now. Please, if YOU have nothing sensible to say, it would be better to leave me sulk in my depression. I still consider this blog my personal space although it is by no means a private webpage. You say YOU mean well. Thanks. But my friends are more important to me than your intentions. They have already proven their intentions through the simple fact that THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.

I DON’T KNOW YOU. Although you can obviously get the attention of other people, being rude won't make you interesting. YOU have already caused me and my friends so much trouble. Please STOP bothering them. I hope YOU understand.

the longest week

2005-03-16T03:29:00.000-08:00

and i wonder: bakit nga ba screenplay ang thesis ko?

i have less than 1 week until the Deadline (with a capital "D")... the day which will decide the fate of the rest of my life. and what do i do? i blog. yes, you heard it right, i blog. (well, you're reading it, aren't you?)

sorry, parang galit. galit talaga ako. pero sa sarili ko. consider yourself, dear reader, a helpless victim to this vicious release of pent up emotions by a miserable schmuck desperately pretending to be a writer .

sir groyon's comments on my previous sequence treatment:

no story yet.
still no story.
all expostion, still no story.
artificial plot structure.
huh?
huh?
describe concrete things - action, incident, appearance, dialogue.
huh?
lots of local color, no story.
the preponderance of corpses and accidents is getting too unbelievable at this point.
huh?
review plot structure.
establish character's goal.
rethink incidents in terms of logic and realism.
huh?
huh?
still no story.
huh?
how do you want this to end?
huh?
huh?
you've totally lost one.
huh?
huh?
still no story.

niiiiice.

why, oh, why toni? ano ba ang pumasok sa isip mo at screenplay ang pinili mong thesis?

and i stare at the sea of index cards wherein i have written all the events that are suppose to happen in my story wondering, "what now?"

first problem: nagpupumilit ako magsulat ng meta-narrative. e simpleng plot structure, di ko magawa.

second problem: i can understand English. but i only have a functional vocabulary of what... about 30 english words. paano ko idedescribe yung actions, incidents at appearance? e sa verbs, ang alam ko lang, go, stop, jump, kick, sit, fetch. sa adverbs, desparately, unfortunately. sa adjectives, big, small, sad, happy. yun lang.

third problem: rethink incidents in terms of logic and realism? e naniniwala nga akong may alaga akong stuff toy na nagsasalita. at sabi ko, pusa siya kahit ang sinasabi ng buong mundo ay aso siya. (rover, 'wag ka maniwala sa kanila. ikaw ay isang pusa kahit ano pa ang sabihin nila.)

fourth problem: establish character's goal? e ako nga, wala pang plano para bukas.

fifth problem: closure sa story? e itong post nga lang na ito, di ko alam kung paano ko tatapusin.

God, i need help.

*sigh*

oh well.

end.

period.

.

period.

chopsuey

2005-03-02T02:28:00.000-08:00

Warning

The following blog post contains random thoughts, pointless ramblings, and inane epiphanies. They were put together in a form of a brief anthology by the author as to be nothing short of a farewell letter before he submits himself to voluntary solitary confinement for the purpose of dedicating his time to finishing his thesis and finally graduating at the end of the term.

What you will be reading was written by a person who is suffering from a mild case of schizophrenia, and was formulated under the supervision of a host of alter egos. Any desire for comprehending the said post is ill-advised. The author will not be liable for any headache, impairment or misinformation, whether real or illusory, obtained from reading the following text.

No animals were hurt in writing this piece.

Ang patnubay ng magulang ay kinakailangan.

***

BayLayn

Matapos ang luha, pawis at dugo, sa wakas, natapos na rin tayo! Congrats sa atin!

Kay Winkle, Jad at Kuya Hector. Dahil walang nang-iwan sa atin hanggang matapos ang event, salamat. Ang galing natin!

I-Witness: the GMA Documentaries, Philstar.com, Office of the Mayor City of Manila at Filipino Department. The event would not have been as successful without your invaluable assistance.

Rep. Rina Hontiveros. Ma’am, thanks for your graciousness in attending in spite of your tight schedule. We will keep in touch.

At sa mga nagsidalong mamamahayag pangkampus sampu ng kanilang mga tagapayo. Sana ay manatiling nag-aapoy ang alab ng mapanuri at responsableng pamamahayag.

Salamat sa inyo.

Special mention sa Green &White, para sa frames at kay rc, para sa mga favor (parang ang dami ko nang utang sa iyo ah. Half Life!).

At siyempre, paano ko ba makalilimutan, ang mga pinakaimportanteng tao sa pag-oorganisa ng Infest, si Bobong Pulis at G. Cordero. Sana…

Ulit, congrat sa atin!

***

EHR-MEE-TAN-YOH

Trans: hermit, recluse, solitary person

Remember the face.

Because you won’t be seeing him for a while.

Hahaha! ANG DRAMA!!! :)

***

Music

A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton
Accidentally In Love – Counting Crows
Ang Himig Natin – Juan dela Cruz Band
Bedshaped – Kean
Breakaway – Kelly Clarkson
By The Road – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Collide – Howie Day
Five Candles – Jars of Clay
Happy Together – The Turtles
Higher - Creed
Ipagpatawad Mo – VST & Co.
It’s Oh So Quiet – Bjork
Kiss from a Rose – Seal
Kissing A Fool – Michael Buble
KLSP – Sponge Cola
Lovely Day – Bill Withers
Meet Virginia - Train
My Stupid Mouth – John Mayer
Name – Goo Goo Dolls
One Thing – Finger 11
Perslab - Hotdog
Sailing – Christopher Cross
Shimmer - Fuel
Try Again Today – The Charlatans
What Might Have Been – Lou Pardini
Wherever You Will Go – The Calling

senseless thoughts

2005-02-28T02:49:00.000-08:00

Anima Christi - J. Arboleda
Crazy For You – Sponge Cola
Easy Like Sunday Morning - Faith No More
Everybody Hurts - REM
Half Life - Duncan Sheik
Hari ng Sablay - Sugarfree
I will remember you - Sarah Mclachlan
Iris – GooGoo Dolls
Just Like Anyone - Aimee Mann
Lead Me Lord - Gary Valenciano
Promenade - Cinnamon
Smash This World - Papas Fritas
Soul Searching - Urbandub
Sparks - Coldplay
Stupid Memory - Sondre Lerche
Universal Traveler - Air
Windmills of Your Mind - Sting
Your Eyes – Sundays
You'll Be Safe Here - Rivermaya

really weird night.

1 day missing (the adobo story)

2005-02-27T02:30:00.000-08:00

i woke up this afternoon feeling lost as if i was still in lalaland. i looked out the window and the sun was of pale orange, kissing the concrete wall of the house across the street. I instinctively reached out for my trusty alarm clock, and struggled to open my eyes to see what time it was. “PUNYEMAS!!! 6:30 na!” I stayed up late last night (this morning) trying to write my screenplay. And as each of my days go, I wake up late the next day. But I didn’t expect I was going to wake up this late. “6:30!!!, wasted ka dude!!!” An entire day rendered useless! So, knowing that my mother will be coming over, I jumped off my bed, hurriedly put-on my shirt and scurried into the kitchen to prepare food. “What shall I prepare... what shall I prepare... aha! Something quick and easy to cook! ADOBO!” So I opened the freezer, got the pork thawed, measured the soy sauce and the vinegar, rummaged from our selection of spices for some whole peppers and a leaf of laurel. Then I remembered, “I haven’t fed the fishies!” Yes, psychotic and pervertedly carnivorous these goldfishes may be, they are still my mother’s pets. So, after saying my sorry’s to them, I carefully sprinkled fish flakes over them, cautious of the possibility that they might leap from the aquarium and maul my fingers. Fortunately, no untoward incident happened during my/their feeding session. Waiting for the rice to cook, I had the dishes from last night’s dinner washed, and the empty water bottles filled. Afterwards, knowing how mama is with dust, I wiped the pieces of furniture, the vases, the computer, the cabinets, the shelf, the platera and anything else that had the white powder on it. The rice is ready. I then put the pork cuts in a pot together with the other ingredients. What’s good with adobo is that you just put all the goodies in and leave it sitting until it cooks. Voila! ADOBO: ang ulam ng mga tamad at adik sa baboy at maalat. The steams off and im just waiting for the ulam to cook. So I decided to water the plants. But then, when I got outside to the pasilio, I noticed something different... It was quiet (cue: Twilight Zone music). You can actually hear nothing. during this time, one should be hearing the shrilling voice of our neighbor in his videoke singing some dead person’s song like My Way by Sinatra, or you should be seeing kids playing mataya-taya, piko, patintero or anything that kids play on weekends when there are no classes. Still perplexed, I decided to turn on the TV to make sure that the world still hasn’t been invaded by aliens and that I’m not left to live in this earth alone with deadly killer cannibal fishes. What I saw was... errr... less than comforting. I saw nothing but hundreds of thousands of black and white dots moving frantically from one end of the screen to another. The goldfishes are starting to look more scary by the second. the ticking of the clock got louder as if it was the only remnant of sound in the universe. I switched to the next channel, and to the next, and to the next – but all there was were little black and white dots running around and the deafening noise of the clock. “Not today Sadako, not today... Please...” But when I was about to break down and shout, there she was, a woman holding a microphone, her face wet with tears, crying hallelujah on channel 13. with a raised eyebrow, I dim-wittedly scratched my head. “huh?” from eerie to el shaddai in 10 seconds. Then, after regaining some sanity, I again pointed the remote control towards the TV. And low and behold, Ka Peter Musngi demonstrating how to bake pandesal in Kumikitang Kabuhayan. It was, as it turned out to be, 6:30... IN THE MORNING!!! There is nothing like a good panic attack in the morning, (milk for my cereal, adrenaline for my bloodstream, makes no sense to me). No wonder the gold fishes didn’t try to bite off my fingers. Oh well, at least, I’ll have adobo for breakfast. Nice.

notice to the public:
if you’re still scratching your head trying to make sense out of this post, searching for a moral lesson or any semblance of a point, you might as well stop before your scalp starts on bleeding.

ADOBO AT KANIN. ASTIG!

pulis patola

2005-02-24T01:18:00.000-08:00

bureaucracy… ah… the f___ing bane of Philippine society. When my mother texted me yesterday, congratulating me for doing a good job by actually staying alive living alone, I was… umm… less than excited. “Welcome to the real world,” she said in Filipino. And today, I see why I have so much qualms about growing up and being part of the “real world.”

for those who had the time to waste and have actually been reading my blog, it is not news to you that I’ve been living solo for about 2 weeks now. Yes, pathetic I know. For some people I know who are younger than me and are dormers, the words that may come to mind are: errrr… tell me something I don’t know… (yep, pathetic isn’t it?).

anyhow, this post takes a break from those domestic matters I concern myself too much with for the past few days and instead will venture into a subject that should be placed more appropriately in an editorial column (miss ko na magsulat ng column… *sigh*).

so here it goes.

matapos ang nakapanggigigil na trapik sa ilalim ng nagbabagang init ng araw, dumating ako sa Port Area ng mga alas dos y media ng hapon. Nandun ako para asikasuhin ang permit para sa Infest na nagpapaalam para sa amin upang isara ang isang bahagi ng Fidel A. Reyes, o mas kilala natin bilang Agno.

hindi naman talaga ako dapat pumunta doon dahil una, ang request namin ay nakaaddress sa Manila City Hall kaya sila na dapat ang umasikaaso noon kung magkataon man na marami itong dapat daanan (mula sa Office of the Secretary of the Mayor, “inindorse” /ipinasa kami sa Permits Bureau tapos sa Records Bureau tapos sa Traffic Bureau tapos sa Engineering Group). Ikalawa, sabihin na nating di maiiwasan na kailangan kausapin mismo ang mga iba’t ibang bureau, ganon ba kahina ang kokote nila para hindi maintindihan yung diagram na pagkalinawlinaw na pinaghirapan pa naming idrawing at kailangan pa naming pumunta doon dahil daw “mas mabilis kung personal naming dadalhin doon ang request namin”? Mga hunghang! Ilang beses ko bang uulitin na magpartner ang Cityhall at ang Plaridel. Wala bang weight yun sa pakikitungo sa amin? At ilang beses ko bang uulitin na next week na yung event at matagal na naming dinala ang request naming sa cityhall (by the way ms Ailyn, mabait ka at pwede kang pumasok na operator sa call center sa boses mo pero naiinis ako sa iyo dahil kailangan pa naming kulitin ka nang dalawang linggo para lang umurong yung request namin? Ayos lang naman kung dineny niyo kami kaagad, at least di na namin kailangang umasa.)

at nang dumating na ako sa engineering group, nakita ko ang isang pulis na ang itsura ay parang pinantulog niya ang uniporme niya, hindi naka-tuck at nakabukas ang pantaas, nakikipagkuwentuhan at siyempre, bundat ang tiyan. Manila’s Finest nga!

TONI: Boss, tanong ko, dito po ba yung sa engineering?
BOBO: O bakit? (iritang sagot)
(Aba! Ang bastos sumagot. Lalong nag-liyab ang nag-iinit ko nang ulo. Pero kailangan kong maging magalang. Pulis ito at may kailangan ako sa kanya.)
TONI: Ah eh, ako po yung taga-Lasalle, I-pafollow up ko lang po yung request namin.
BOBO: Sa La Salle? Wala namang galing sa Lasalle ah? Ano kelangan ninyo?
(pun_e_a! Kasasabi lang kanina nung kausap ko sa telepono, dumating na dito. Pati yung desk officer, sabi niya, nandito na raw)
TONI: Ah eh… (nagpipigil) ah, kami po yung nagrerequest na ipasara yung street na malapit sa skul.
BOBO: E kahapon lang dumating yun e. (kanina, wala, tapos ngayon, natanggap na pala. At kahapon pa.)
BOBO: Boy, (T_NG-__A!!! WAG MO AKONG TAWAGING BOY, mama na ako! At hindi ako messenger!!!! Estudyante ako ng La Salle! Mukha lang akong messenger… Pero estudyante ako!!!), Hindi ganun kadali yun! Kailangang pirmahan pa yun. (e bakit di mo pa pirmahan?)
TONI: Umm boss, (hawak na ang bolpen at handa nang ipangtusok sa kausap na pulis), next week na po kasi yung event. Baka pwede namang maasikaso (kaysa na nakatunganga lang kayo diyan at nakikipagkwentuhan!)
BOBO: Boy (HUWAG MO NGA SABI AKONG TAWAGING BOY!), lahat ng mga nangyayari sa Maynila, dito dumadaan. E ilan lang ako? (BOBO!!! Kung nag-iisip ka, di mo dapat gawing rason sa akin yan! Mas lalo ka tuloy nagmumukahang bobo! Baka nga bobo ka! BOBO!!! Bakit di kayo magdagdag ng tao o magpalaki ng opisina?! At kanina, nakikipagkuwentuhan ka lang! At kahapon pa dumating ang request namin! Nang umaga!)
BOBO: Eto nga, (tinutukoy ang babaeng kadarating lang at may dalang mga papeles), nung isang linggo pa. (Aba! Ipagmalaki pa?! BOBO!)

tinawag niya ang isang kasama at pinahanap ang request namin. Nang hindi mahanap ng kasama, siya na ang naghanap (at mabuti naman. Kaya lumalaki yang tiyan mo! Dahil wala kang ginagawa!)

at matapos ang halos 10 minutong paghahanap (e di ba dapat ay may folder kayo ng incoming at outgoing documents?) lumabas siya daladala ang request namin.
Ipinakita niya sa akin ang request naming at sinabi
BOBO: ayan nga o, wala pang pirma ko. (BOBO BOBO BOBO!!!! Sige, ipagmalaki mo pa!)

kung nagtataka ka kung bakit walang mga salitang nanggagaling sa akin, ito ay dahil pinili ko nang tumahimik at baka mapaaway lang ako.

BOBO: O sige, balik ka bukas, mga alas diyes.
TONI: Salamat po boss. Sige po, balik na lang ako bukas. Pasensya na po sa abala.

words of advice… find the person who hired you as soon as possible and have yourselves ran over by the LRT para malaman ninyo ang ibig sabihin ng “bilis” at para na rin mabawasan ang mga bobo sa mundo! malaki kang kahihiyan sa tsapa mo, sa buong kapulisan at sa pamilya mo, kung meron ka man.

*ummm… with all the expletives i’ve said here, i doubt it if anyone would let me publish it as a column. oh well..

remember that in public service, there are (should be) no excuses.

some people may find it strange that i am able to hold such terrible amount of rage against a person in uniform when in fact, my mother’s a police officer. well, i want you all tol know that my mother’s of the good-cop kind. even she has her own grievances against the police force. sometimes, she would tell me stories of PO1’s and PO2’s who live extravagantly, sporting high-end cell phones and two to three cars. not to mention that they are able to support a family of 7 with their small salary, who knows where they are getting the money to spend for all these stuff. but although suntok sa buwan ang mangarap ng pagbabago, she does her best, with the little that she can to remedy some of the problems.

and for this, she was awarded a number of times, including an award or two for the most outstanding policewoman of the year. and yesterday, I got from her office in her behalf the letter informing her that she passed the NAPOLCOM exams and is now up for a promotion to the rank of Captain.

you’re the best mama(ko)ng pulis.

so there, a summary of my day. Pat, sorry for the theatrics. just wanted to let it all out. And about the permit, i’ll have it tomorrow. sorry for the delay.

-----
pahabol:

so… to make up for the horrible day, i cooked myself salpicao. living alone usually takes away the joy in food and eating. why prepare something special when all you want is to fill yourself up with anything edible. thus, i’ve been living on leftovers and canned goods. or kung minsan, bumibili na lang ako sa BeeLiJo o sa turu-turo. the last time i cooked something that one can actually call food (it was sinigang by the way.. yummm,,) was last last Sunday when mama came home from Bulacan. ngayon, nagluto ako para naman makabawi sa sarili ko. (sayang, sana, mas marami yung bawang)

yun lang. just wanted to share what i had for dinner.

of elephants and boa constrictors

2005-02-20T02:04:00.000-08:00

i originally planned to start this blog with the line, “God… hit me with a lightningbolt…please…”

but I thought it would sound too melodramatic of me. I have always been teased by Plaridel people and other friends that ang drama ko. tsuri na, tsuri!

anyways, i was trying to write my thesis (note: operative word – trying) but it seems that I was somewhere else. then, while I was skimming through plot structures (between 100 Years of Solitude and The Hours), I accidentally came across a book that i haven't read for a while, The Little Prince. And thank goodness I did…

my head has been filled with all sorts of things these past few weeks: infest (argh!!!), thesis (argh!!! bakit ang bobo ko!!!), laundry (2 scoops or 3?), future career (or vocation – ituloy ko kaya yung plano kong magseminaryo), mama (ma, matutupad din natin ang mga pangarap natin), papa (mahal ka pa rin namin. happy birthday po), our psychotic fishes (now, Lito’s missing! MGA BUANG!), our house, money… the list goes on… it's not that tiring, really. it's just emotionally distressing.*sigh*

***

In the course of this life I have had a great many encounters with a great many people who have been concerned with matters of consequence. I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.

Whenever I met one of them who seemed to me at all clear-sighted, I tried the experiment of showing him my Drawing Number One, which I have always kept. I would try to find out, so, if this was a person of true understanding. But, whoever it was, he, or she, would always say:

"That is a hat."

***

since when did I start missing the point? since when did i become an adult?

hay... and this post wasn't supposed to be melodramatic.. ha!

thursday is laundry day

2005-02-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

(actually, it's already Friday)

Whew! Just finished doing laundry.

For more than a week now, I have been living alone: cooking, cleaning, paying the monthly dues, the works! Mama is at Bulacan and I am left in charge to take care of myself and the house… and four goldfishes and mama’s orchids. The orchids haven’t been much that of a trouble, just water them, talk to them occasionally and pat them a little, and they’re fine. But unfortunately, that doesn’t go for the goldfishes. I made a separate entry for that and you can check it below later.

As I was saying, I have been living alone for more than a week now. And it’s amazing how old you can get in less than 14 days. When you are made to act as an adult, you become one. It’s more than you now. Well strictly speaking, it’s still about you. But living alone puts you on the spot to be responsible for those things that normally would be the business of your parents. Like feeding you, clothing you, comforting you when things seem to be amiss. Now, you are forced to think and act like an adult. No more whining. No more waking up at 12 noon and expecting food in the table. No more mamaya na unless you want to have your electric supply cut-off because you went past due on your bills. And when you encounter something that you don’t know like how many times you should rinse jeans as compared to shirts or how much time it will take to cook bulalo, you are forced to figure it out by yourself. You get to learn the right way the hard way.

Now, I see how people like JJ, RC, DA and CK can be so independent.

Kaya,,,

Sa bahay, Ako ang Tigas! Tiga-saing, Tiga-luto, Tiga-laba, Tiga-linis, Tiga,,,

the attack of the killer goldfishes

2005-02-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

(taken from Thursday is Laundry Day)

As I have mentioned, I was tasked to take care, besides my self and the house, my mother’s orchids and four goldfishes. Everything is fine except for the fishes.

I think they have turned to Cannibalism.

There were originally 7 of them. Raul was the first to go. He is the one with the big belly and who usually has fishcrap sticking out of his behind. One night, my mom and I came home from the baptism of my niece when we found Raul floating in the aquarium with Nena beside him while the other five were suspiciously cramming in one corner of the fish tank. He was floating with foam in his mouth and had the flesh on his belly tore off. The water wasn’t that clear when we arrived, which suggest that they didn’t eat the fishflakes we had fed them that morning before we left and that the food just dissolved, leaving the water murky. Two days after, when I arrived home, mama broke to me the news that one of the fishes that were left was missing. It was Nena. Later that night, I found her under my computer table. Mama said that it must have been Nena was very lonely and committed suicide. But I saw a different story. Yes, I agree that it was suicide. But it was not out of loneliness or rage, but because of fear. This angle that I looked into (being the son of a police investigator) is that Nena was scared of being eaten as well. There are traces of resistance in the way her tail appeared. The tail was wounded at the tip and that after the incident, the five were swimming at the bottom part of the tank indicative of a certain desire to swim in areas that are colder. The low temperatures, as I postulate, help to slow down the metabolism of the fishes in situations that food is scarce. But still, it got me thinking, they can’t keep this forever! Some day they will need to eat and their distaste with the fishflakes that we buy for them won’t be changing any time soon.

So then it happened. The latest of the casualties was Valentino. He is the smallest of the five. Then, I found myself thinking: Survivor Fishtank. In my opinion, it would have been better if they had ganged up on Max, the biggest of the Goldfish Mafia, for four reasons.
1) they got to eliminate the greatest threat in terms of its capacity to dominate
2) they got to yield the largest amount of food because of the his size
3) they got rid of the biggest consumer of food
4) they would have made the competition less lopsided for anyone of them who will be left for the last two. Imagine if Max survives up to the end (which he would probably will), it would be easier for him snap the life out of anyone who will stand (swiM0 in his way because who will be left will still be, as it has always been, someone less strong than him.

But as the story goes, they chose to eliminate Valentino. What was only left of him was his head.

So now, I’m wondering, how could I get these fishes to stop eating each other? Im afraid that when mama gets home, there will be nothing left of her goldfishes. Well, I could tell her that we have cannibal fishes. But she wouldn’t believe me anyway…

insomiac

2005-02-17T04:30:00.000-08:00

i never considered myself as an insomiac eventhough i usually go to bed at 5. until now.

i prowl the streets in between the now and tomorrow, preying on the dreams of those who lie in their beds, trying to find the cure for my own restlessness. i see the fantasies and the illusions and i laugh at them, jealously, bitterly, knowing they were also once mine. i hunt these who haunt me endlessly and i corrupt them for the delusions that they are. and i smile as the child cringes in fear that these nightmares are for real and that the morning has ceased on existing.

not good at being scary. :)

it's 4:30. i have to rest. goodnight.

i'll bleed for you

2005-02-16T00:18:00.000-08:00

noise hasn't sounded as nice.

my ears haven't stopped ringing since after the concert. they had 10 bands play in celebration of CLA Day. some of them: sandwich, 6 cycle mind, imago, sugarfree and urbandub. unfortunately, i only caught sugarfree and urbandub. and i can say the ringing in my ear is all worth it.

it's funny that i've never been a fan of rock. and the ringing in my ear is one obvious reason. but it's very different when you hear them on the radio and when you hear them live. it's nice to be in that crowd. you try to control yourself. but slowly, the air hypnotizes you into a trance. you start to thump the floor to the beat while your head starts to move up and down with the rhythm. then before you know it, you find yourself caught in the collective euphoria. you clap, cheer, shout and sway – jump at times even. the blood has rushed from your innards and into your head. and you perspire. and finally, you sing to the wordless melody that is rock.

thanks jad for pulling me into this. i owe you one… dude! by the way, did I mention my ear hurts.

----------

*a new tattoo- urbandub*

Great moments they pass by
If you’re careless
Desperately trying to speak the words
I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.
Tongue tied, every time I try to talk to you
In time, I’ll find the right line.

Caught a glimpse of you
I tremble every time you walk by
Hopelessly trying to find a way
To be near you, to get near you.
In my mind, plays thoughts of you all the time
I’ll find the right line…

I’ll bleed for you
Like a new tattoo in my heart
You’ll stay permanent…

Am I too late now?
Will I find a way to get to you somehow?
She’s breaking me down again
She’s breaking me down.

bakit?

2005-02-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

3 bombings in one day. more than 15 people killed. bakit?

sinigang therapy

2005-02-15T00:20:00.000-08:00

i had sinigang for dinner last night. i had sinigang for brunch. and what did i had for dinner tonight? sinigang. whoever discovered sinigang should really be given a nobel prize for making people's lives better. yes, it is my comfort food. but it is not that i need comforting today. the day went pretty well much as i expected: the green field was painted red with roses, balloons, songs and happy couples. why then the sinigang therapy? well, i just wanted to know how different sinigang tasted differently. for those who don't share the same palette as mine, all sinigang taste the same. but they do taste differently. some people use patis instead of salt. some use sampaloc and others fresh tomato. some add labanos while others add gabi. some add sitaw while others eggplant. some use liempo, while others kasim. add between them, a plethora of combinations and concoctions. then what do we make out of these? what point am i driving at? nothing really. it's just that although it would seem all sinigang are the same, in truth, there are different. some will be saltier than others, some more maasim, some more malinamnam and others more masarap. and after having my fill of sinigang the whole day, i come to a conclusion that the best sinigang is the one that my mother makes.

singles awareness day

2005-02-14T02:10:00.000-08:00

i didn't want to post anything today because i thought that doing so would suggest that i do care for this day. well, i have gotten rid of the itch and now, i'm posting my thoughts for this day.

1st, i do care about this day. it is the day of Saint Valentine. and for me, any saint's feast day is a cause for celebration.

2nd, this day is a day for thanking people who have touched my life. some did only that: touch and go. but that moment is a reason enough for me to be me. this life wouldn't be my life without those people who touched me and have gone. then, there are the people who are still there and promise to be there no matter what. these are the people i see to be the ones who make the future a little bit less dimmer than it is. when you have someone beside you while you're walking a dark and empty road, it's not as scary.

3rd, i do care about this day because it is a day of remembering. i admit that feb 14 is one of the few days of the year that i do look forward to. because i get to remember the other feb 14's in my life and the goofie stuff i did on those days with my mom or whoever i had a date with on that year (but it's usually still my mom i went out with every year).

4th, with the remembering, comes learning. and that too, for me is a reason for one to want a valentine's day. it doesn't matter if the process was happy or painful, as long as i have learned something. then i can say, i do am getting wiser. the next time the same circumstance occurs, more or less, i know what to do (i may eat my words someday. but... i guess that's another learning process i have to go through).

5th, feb 14 was the day mama and papa met. they were at the Araneta when mama was one of the police personnel securing an event. then, papa was there doing... wait, memory lapse... was he there as one of the organizers or one of the presentors... or tambay lang siya don... hmmm... got to check. anyways, to cut the long story short, that was the day they met and when their complicated love story began. it has never stopped being complicated, their love story. i carry the name of my father and my mother carries her's. but to have that moment made me possible. and that for me is something worth remembering, being thankful for and something that i should learn from.

so, to all, happy singles awareness day!

secret garden

2005-02-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

Secret Garden
Bruce Springsteen

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth if the
Words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get to that place where
You can't remember and you can't forget
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay a million miles away

mama

2005-02-11T04:13:00.001-08:00

minsan, gusto ko maging mas mabuting anak sa nanay ko. pakiramdam ko kasi na habang tumatagal ay napapalayo ang loob ko sa mama. mahal ko ang nanay at ang mama ang buhay ko. pero may mga pagkakataong hindi lang kami magkaintindihan. ngayong mga nakalipas na araw, naging mas malapit kami ulit pero parang nagbibiro din ang pagkakataon. pinagagawa ni mama ang bahay namin sa bulacan. mag-isa lang siya doong nagbabantay sa bahay at hindi siya makauwi dahil may mga gamit kaming nakaiwan doon. nakikita ko ang pag-aalala niya sa napakaraming bagay. kailangan kasi naming umutang sa pinsan ko para matustusan ang pagpapagawa. maliban doon, kailangan din ng mga taong magtatrabaho sa bahay. kailangan din ang mga materyales at transpo na magdadala ng mga iyon sa bahay. at kailangan ng magbabantay. at lahat iyon, si mama ang nag-aasikaso. minsan ay tinanong niya ako kung pwede ba akong magbantay ng bahay dun sa bulacan pag nagsimula na ang construction. ang sabi ko, "titingnan ko po." at nung lumaon nga ay di na ako nakatupad sa mga sinabi ko. inihahanda kasi namin yung activity para sa feb. hindi naman ako talaga in charge doon pero nagprisinta akong tumulong. ngayon, kailangan kong umuwi sa qc dahil walang computer sa bulacan. at nandun si mama ngayon, nagbabantay mag-isa ngayon. pakiramdam ko kung minsan, wala akong kwentang anak. noong lunes ako umalis doon at kagabi lang ako bumalik. nagkwento si mama na naninibago daw siya roon at nahihirapan siyang matulog. kanina lang, nagtext siya na di ulit siya makatulog dahil malamig. kung naroon lang ako, sana, nayakap ko siya para di siya ginawin. wala pa kasing kama doon at sa sahig ng second floor lang siya nakahiga. at medyo tumatagos din ang lamig sa comforter na ginamit niyang sapin. wala siyang libangan doon. walang radyo, walang tv. siya lang. at sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, nakuha niya pa akong itext ng, "anak, mag-iingat ka diyan ha. ayos lang ako dito. sa sabado ka na umuwi para matapos mo yung inaasikaso mo. at sana matapos mo na yung thesis mo. regalo ko sa iyo itong bahay para sa graduation mo." sana, naging mas mabuti akong anak.

tumatanda na rin si mama at nakikita ko na rin sa mukha niya ang pagod (at siguro, ang kalungkutan). minsan nababanggit niya na pagkatapos niyang magretire (3 taon mula ngayon), babalik na lang siya sa probinsya para alagaan ang lolo at lola ko. kapag nasa bahay kami ng pinsan ko, nakikita ko sa mga ngiti ni mama tuwing inaalagaan niya ang mga pamangkin ko. siguro, hinahanap niya ang pagkabata ko.

mahal ko si papa pero kung minsan, gusto ko siyang sisihin. kung nandito lang siya, di sana'y may kasama si mama. pero ganun talaga at wala na akong magagawa para baguhin yun. ang magagawa ko na lang ay ang tustusan ang kung ano mang wala ngayon. kaya't pangako ko sa sarili ko, na kapag panahon ko na, i'm going to be the best father in the world. gusto ko maparamdam sa mga anak ko kung anuman yung mga hindi ko naranasan kay papa. gusto kong maibalik sa kanila ang pagmamahal ni mama sa akin.

bukas, uuwi ako sa bulacan para may kasama si mama.

best advice

2005-02-11T01:05:00.000-08:00

the best advice i ever heard so far:

when you're all f*c**d up, what you just have to do is....

just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

the best ka talaga J! hahahaha!

happy memories

2005-02-05T01:32:00.000-08:00

today, rover says goodbye to the place he has considered his abode for the last 4 months, the cabinet at the green and white office. for 4 months he and his friends mister penguin and mister elephant stayed in that happy place they called home. Each day was a wondrous experience for him: the yearbook verification, the annoying subscribers that insist on getting their yearbook during breaktime, the tension, the work, the phonecalls, the card games, hi jack, tong-its, pusoy, the cris cringle, the moments of waiting for the mcdonald man, the insaniquarium days, the typershark days, the hide and seek game for lazy people, the aircon, the smell of binagoongan rice and katsudon, neopets, hulaan, manang janitress and manong guard, the plaridel people on the other side on the (half) wall, the american idol songs playing on the plaridel side of the room, the letters on the cabinet, the kodakan, the secrets, the revelations, the singing, the tampuhan, the laughter, the magic.

but on top of everything, what made that home their heaven, are the people of Green & White. although his friend mister toni stayed more at the plaridel side, rover chose to be with that bunch of people whose wackieness would have been enough for them to be sent to the loonie bin. although he didn't get to chat with many of them, except for some, he really felt that warmth he never got in the shelf of the stuff toy store.

and for the person who have treated him the warmest, rover sends his utmost gratitude and appreciation. he says thanks for the hello's and hi's, for the attention you gave him during breaks, for rubbing the back of his head, for holding his paws, for playing with him, for feeding him, for asking why his eyes were a little bit sad and somewhat longing, for the thoughtfulness of putting a sign on the cabinet door saying "ROVER the Cat", for the bracelet you made for him out of a strip of plastic, and for the huge hugs. his heart goes to the most wonderful person in his life. meows and other cat sounds are not enough to tell you how much he appreciates your company. you have taught a feline full of stuffings how to love.

for now, rover is homeward bound to have himself washed and fixed. if he will ever go back to his cabinet, he doesn't know. if whether he will get to see her again or not, only time will tell. but one thing he do is sure of is that he will always have a memory of a brief moment in cat heaven, and that's enough to live by for the rest of his days -- 9 lives actually.

losing it

2005-02-04T02:03:00.000-08:00

i wanted to be optimistic. i tried to be, really. then a guy in the street bumped into me and said, "who are you kidding?"

oh well, just another realization to add to my long list of realizations.

yep! life is just getting better everyday.

all's good

2005-02-02T04:06:00.000-08:00

things haven't been falling into place for a long time now. there have been good times and bad times. but most of it is all confusion. life has become some sort of a guessing game.

but today falls a eureka moment.

i have no idea where all of these are going. and i have no idea where the hell tomorrow is taking me. and i have no idea what all of these are for.

i don't know.
now, it becomes interesting.

little new friend

2005-01-30T02:49:00.000-08:00

good things do come in small packages. for three days now, i've been in good company with a new friend - my little blue walkman. well, it's not really that small. it's actually just a little smaller than a diskman and just a little thinner. Malaki nga daw siya sabi ni chuck. it's a gift from my ate last christmas. but i only got it working the night before yesterday because i always forget to buy batteries for it. but since I got it working, i haven't put it down. i even had it playing while i was sleeping. then, i even had it playing the whole day yesterday. it really proved very useful during jeepney rides when it saved me the agony of listening to yeye bonel, si manloloko ka pala and the likes.

some features: it has a speaker that plays really loud when you take the earphone plug off. so you can hear it playing in the sala while you're doing your thing in the bathroom. it also has a clock which goes with a stop watch mode, an alarm mode and a calendar mode. pretty cool huh? energy consumption isn't that bad either. The radio works on 2 AAA batteries while the clock works on a separate minibattery. The battery lasted me three days considering I have had it playing continuously for almost 72 hours straight. And the battery that I use are cheap too – 10 pesos for a 4 piece pack.

but it do has its downsides. since it's a cheap walkman, the kind that they give out as freebies, it doesn't have a tuner display. so you get to practice your psychic abilities guessing what station is currently playing. also, it sometimes have problems with the reception specially when in transit and when inside thickly walled areas. but who cares? as long as it plays Jam, Wave and Joey.

I guess the reason that I rave about it too much is that finally, I have found something that suits me: a loner. I rarely speak and I don’t really like mingling with crowds of people. Also, it doesn’t mind me being quiet. I’m not pressured to talk when I don’t have anything that important to say. I guess people often forget about that when it comes to friends. For me, one of the measure of a good friend is someone that you can be quiet with. sometimes, words become superfluous. and all you want is their company – their presence. yung nandyan lang siya, ok na ako.

second, I think I like listening to my walkman (radio lang daw sabi ni winkle dahil di naman daw kasi nagpeplay ng tape), because it tells me the emotions I have that I can’t and sometimes, don’t dare articulate. Angels and demons of Dishwalla is one. Broken by Seether is another. Barely Breathing by Duncan Shiek, You’ll Be Safe Here by Rivermaya, and Lullaby – Shawn Mullins, Something About You – Five for fighting and a lot more, mostly, those songs that they play in Jam. Sometimes, it just feels good to hear yourself with another voice, to be another person. And you realize that you are not the only human in the world.

third, I think I like listening because I like to think. While people see thinking as a chore, a pursuit necessitating a goal, I do it as a hobby, a pastime, a wandering and a wondering. I guess that’s why I’m so thin – I burn more calories in 1 hour than another person would probably burn for a day. i just like thinking. And having something setting the mood in the background is a heaven-sent.

fourth, and this is much related to number 1, having earphones on gives me the right to ignore people. Something I learned from reading books is that it lets you be suplado without the necessary guilt. (Sounds like an ad for a dairy product. Or a sweetener.) Let’s face it, there are a lot of annoying people around and there is little room left in the world for other people to hide to. I admit I do sometimes become one of those annoying people but I do have the red pill in hand (or is that the blue pill?). Admittedly, for our generation, all that we can do is escape, even just for a moment.

As for now, I will be listening, escaping, thinking, articulating -- alone -- until the dawn breaks. Or until the batteries of my little new friend run-out.

oddly joyful day

2005-01-22T02:26:00.000-08:00

oddly joyful day. joyful joyful! this day gives new meaning to the phrase "giving is better than receiving". hahaha. cliche. well, sometimes, i really like cliches. parang happiness is next to godliness. hmmm... reality is the best policy. parang mali pa rin. hmmm... hehehe.

sabi ni kungfyuchoos, este... confucius, there are 3 ways one can be immortal:

1) bear a child (di pa ito pwede. papatayin ako ng nanay ko. at kailangan ko muna maghanap ng nanay ng anak ko.)
2) plant a tree (although environmentally friendly itong proposition na ito, mukhang kulang na rin ng mapagtataniman dito sa maynila. siguro, kapag lumipat na kami sa bulacan. sa probinsya ng bulacan. hahaha)
3) write a book (ito, i really like. pero... at malaking pero... e yung thesis ko nga, di ko matapos tapos, nobela pa. siguro, after na lang. hehehe. ambisyoso)

pero, today, i realized na may isa pang paraan (ang i think eventually, i will still find many other ways) para maging immortal. yun yung doing special things for people. and it would be a lot better when they least expect it so that the shock effect would be more lasting. hehehe. yun tipong masasabi nila na, "ay, sa tagal ng panahon na 'yon, naaalala pa ako ni toni". shit! astig!

at kahit di ka na makarinig ng thank you, okay lang dahil lahat ng pasasalamat ay makikita mo na sa mukha niya.

ang saya maging mabait kahit minsan.

tonight

2005-01-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

tonight i sit stranded, staring
upon the red can, once filled with sugarglory
now empty and still, and still empty.

tonight i sit stranded, eavesdropping

to ants talking, murmuring. lamenting

the death of one of their own

for the sweet crystal made him high

and that from the height, he fell.

tonight i sit stranded, wondering

why memories have to keep on persisting

for the encounter is so brief but the dream everlasting.

tonight i sit stranded, asking

how can the clock keep a smile on its face

when each stroke of its hand signals a beginning of an end.

tonight i sit stranded, wishing

one more smile,

one more hug,

one last time.

tonight i sit stranded, waiting

and the sandman spreading

his dust upon the room

and the air becomes heavy:
i waited too long for a time that will never come.
and i don't know what the answer is
and i don't want to hear the truth
and all i want is to forget
and all i want is to fall
and all that i can do is to pretend

as long as i'm drunk, nothing else matters.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Tonight I Can Write" By Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.
"The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

hmmm...

2005-01-14T02:44:00.000-08:00

i meet father rey while i was on my way to skul. an old friend says hi. teammates from highschool invite me to an inuman. photos, photos, photos.

labo.

"forget it"

2004-12-19T02:25:00.000-08:00

okay. it seems anyhow that you're better off without someone pestering you once in a while.

curse me for caring. damn me for wanting to be a part of your life.

some clarifications to "just thinking aloud"

2004-12-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

What you are doing is unfair. You have been warned by people. You have been reminded by her from the start. You wanted to show in your post how hurt you are with the things that are and are not happening. But it just reveals how insensitive you are and that you're totally way out of line. Why blame the universe for your misfortunes. Why blame people for your pains. If you want it said in Filipino: Hindi umiikot ang mundo sa iyo, toni. Grow up. You're 21. Get a life. And live that life. Set goals for yourself and be happy each step of the way, even during times of occasional failures. Carry with you the hope that everything will turn out right. Maybe not now. But someday.

Stop Thinking and Start Doing.

Sorry for being hard on you.

-toni

just thinking aloud

2004-12-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

Am I doing it wrong? Am I thinking too much? Am I dreaming too much? Do I have to stop? Is the universe telling me to stop? Is she telling me to stop? Why? Will I? What now?

If there’s one place worse than hell, it would be limbo. It is a place where people never answer questions when asked.

My fault perhaps. It's like a saying my mom keeps on joking about: Pinangakuan ka na nga, gusto mo pa nila tuparin. In this case: Hinayaan ka na nga magtanong, gusto mo pang sagutin ka ng matino.

And things can't get any better. Ngayon, totally wala nang sagot. Dahil sabi ng universe, Toni, tama na. She's way out of your league. We, the council of heavenly beings, want your happiness. And hindi ito ang makapagdadala sa iyo ng kaligayahan. Uminom ka na lang ng beer at magmukmok sa isang tabi at gawin mo yung thesis mo. Sa ganon, makagraduate ka na at para makapunta ka na sa States. at dun, magtanim sa ng kangkong sa snow. *All fresh, All natural. Imported kangkong from the USA* E di mafeafeature ka pa sa TV. Tapos, may isang babaeng mahilig sa vegetables na makakakita sa iyo sa tv at mapupusuan ka. Tapos, tatawagan ka niya sa address na nakasulat dun sa lata ng Campbell's Cream of Kangkong. Tapos, magkikita kayo. Bells, bells, bells. And you'll live happily ever after. O di mapapalabas ka pa sa Magpakailanman. Alam naman naming ayaw mo sa Maalaala Mo Kaya. E di ba pwedeng pang nobela yung istorya mo. Isulat mo at malay mo ay manalo ka pa ng Palanca. Palanca? Small time! Noble Prize for Literature.

Kaya toni, stop na. Just STOP!

Hay.

Christmas Wishlist

2004-12-14T02:24:00.000-08:00

3 things.

1. Wisdom in a box
kung pwede blue. tapos microwavable para may pangmerienda na rin ako sa mga panahong gumagawa ako ng thesis ng alas kwatro ng umaga at gutum na gutom na ako. at sana, yung di mabilis mabasa at di takaw langgam. anung use ng wisdom kung ngangatngatin lang din ng anay di ba. at sana, may manual para gamitin yung wisdom. pero wait, kung may manual pa, e di hindi wisdom yun dahil kailangan mu pa ng instructions. i rest my case. kulang ako sa wisdom.

2. Amnesia in a bottle
kahit yung 500 mL lang. baka masyadong mahal kasi yung 1 Liter. tapos kung pwede, yung tipong selective yung memory na pwede niyang burahin. ayoko namang maging bobo. at saka sana, yung greaseless. kasi, pagagalitan ako ng nanay ko kung magkakalat ako ng mga traces nung potion at baka pati ako, makalimutan niya kung sino. baka palayasin ako nun sa bahay. eto pang galit na galit siya sa akin ngayon. uulitin ko, amnesia in a bottle. hindi yan genie in a bottle. wala namang genie.

3. Rewind button for Life
yun tipong dvd rewinder. yung mabilis. kasi, masyadong matagal kung tipong yung sa VHS. imaginin mo, 21 years, irerewind mu, e di inabot ka nang siyam siyam nun. maganda rin kasi kung tipong sa dvd dahil may titles yung chapter. tipong: isinilang si toni, nasira ang bisikleta ni toni. natutunan ni toni ang pag-ibig. isinumpa ni toni ang pag-ibig. muntik nang masiraan si toni. may nakilala si toni. umasa at muling nabigo si toni. yung ganun. at sana, batteries included. magreregalo na lang naman, sana, siguraduhing gumagana naman di ba? at sana, rewritable. at walang quick retrieve button. para totally burado na!

sana ay tulungan niyong maging masaya ang buhay ko dahil ako mismo ay di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. di ba nga, Christmas is a time of caring? sana, may nagke-care pa sa akin sa mundo dahil ako mismo, malapit na akong mag-give-up sa sarili ko. salamat.

btw, kahit wala nang wrapper at ribbon. basta may magbigay lang. masaya na ako.

words to describe my life

2004-12-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

Sablay.
Hassle.
Sayang.

top of my head lang. marami pa yan.

not ready to be unplugged

2004-10-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

yes, yes... i got this line from her column... happy?

well moving on...

i now declare ms. ruby simundac as my official calendar. this afternoon, as same as in any afternoon that we get to meet, she reminds me that this is my last term in school. ruby would go charmingly, "awww... mamimiss ka namin... wala nang kuya toni..."

sometimes, i just want to say "oh, shut up ruby" and give her a big hug.

i guess the line sums up (however cheezy and silly the line is) whatever feelings i have. i really really want to graduate this year. kung tutuusin, kind na nga yung tawag sa akin ni ruby na "kuya." yung iba nga, "lolo toni" na ang tawag sa akin. (peste ka jj. lalo ka na! kung hindi ka lang mahal ni __ ... yikee!!!) and im also not helping my mother by staying in school this long.

but there is so much to be missed.

of course, there's the perennial school (production) work. there's also the sizzling sisig, inihaw na liempo and sirloin steak. you choose where to eat (basta lang hindi sa "kahit saan"). and the wonderful professors of the communication department. and of course, the site where much of everything in my (college) life took place, the dark room.

most important of all, what i would miss most is my family. mahal ko ang plaridel.

just this evening (until midnight), rc, deeaye, chris, jj and i went to Providence and do some videoke-ing. si rc lang ang may matinong boses sa amin. (oy, tampo si da... sige na nga, maganda din ang boses... ni christian bautista. hahaha. si jj, lumilipad ang isip. e katabi lang naman ang iniisip. yikee. chris, save the best for last. don't be sad, napagod lang yung videoke dahil sa kabibirit ni da kaya 97 lang yung ibinigay niya sayo. hehehe) what was quite heart-warming is when da, chris and rc decided to go and stay at my house. although they never got any farther than Taft Avenue La Salle, for them to come up with such a plan was nothing less than touching. da, chris and rc, salamat sa pagtitiwalang maaalagaan ko kayo sa pagpunta sa amin. okay lang yan. next time na lang. hehehe.)

they are only some of the people in Plaridel who i consider treasure. whole in whole, plaridel people might be the weirdest, strangest, most unpredictable, and quirkiest group one will ever meet, but certainly, they will forever be the most wonderful people on earth. (that includes you, tiny! although technically, di ka tao).

truly, plaridel ako. (or pwede ring, plaridel -- love ko 'to)

----------

para naman hindi masyado drama...

on the funny side, we were on the middle of a discussion in class this afternoon when our professor sighed from nowhere, "i'm bored." it was kind of surprising since she was in fact delivering the lesson quite animatedly. then she goes, "mr. cuesta, you teach." the whole class broke into joke and laughter. i answered smiling, "miss, seryoso ba yan?" she replies, "yes mr. cuesta. you sit here," pointing to the teacher's table before walking to the last chair in the front row, "while i go sit here." then laughter turned to cheers, "go toni! go sir toni!"

and that is how i get to live my dream -- a teacher for a day (20 minutes actually).

sorry, wala masyadong connect. hehehe.

kitsch to share

2004-10-28T01:51:00.000-07:00

i hate kitsch. but for this, i will make an exception.

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater

and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

campus journalism

2004-10-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

although it is true that we speak for the students, campus newspapers should not limit their existence to only this purpose.

ang paglilimita ng isang pahayagang pangkampus sa layuning nabanggit ay hindi lang taliwas sa mismong depinisyon ng pamamahayag kung hindi isang tuwirang pambabaliwala sa ugat ng bawat sanay na mapampalaya.

hindi tayo narito para itaguyod ang pakikibaka ng kung sino man -- indibidwal man o sektor. kaya't maging tama man ang paninindigang itinataguyod natin ang karapatang pang-estudyante, ito ay bahagi lamang ng isang mas malaking layunin.

ang tunay nating ipinaglalaban at itinataguyod ay ang katotohanan.

tayo ay nagiging boses ng mga mag-aaral hindi dahil pumapanig tayo sa kung anumang layuning mayroon sila. at lalong hindi dahil bahagi tayo ng sektor na ito. ang dahilan kung bakit natin isinisiwalat ang mga kuru-kuro at hinaing ng mga estudyante ay dahil may boses na nakikitil.

at ang pagkitil na ito -- ang pagkitil ng isang balido at makabuluhang boses na maaaring makapagpabuti, makapagpabago at makapagpapaunlad sa kasalukuyang sitwasyon -- ang tinatanggihan at pilit sinusupil ng isang pahayagan.

kaya nga't sa pagkakataong naiisantabi ang karapatan ng isang manggagawang kontraktwal, isang miyembro ng pakuldad na di-makatarungang inaakusahan ng pagnanakaw intelektwal at isang administrador na nagsambulat ng mga maling kalakaran sa sistema, naroon palagi ang mga mamamahayag pangkampus.

kung gayun, ligtas kong masasabi na bunga ng isang makitid na pag-iisip ang prinsipyong pangmag-aaral lamang ang mga pahayagang pangkampus.

kung tutuusin, sa tunay na liberal na pananalita, walang katagang "campus journalism." ang meron lang ay "journalism" -- "ang pamamahayag." ang "campus" ay isang lamang qualifier na tumutukoy sa normal na saklaw panlugar (geographical, proximal) ng mga isyung natatalakay sa pahayagan at hindi isang kategorical na pantukoy (bersus pahayagang pambansa). kaya nga't sa mga kasong mayroong isyung may kinalaman sa mga Lasalyano ngunit malinaw namang nasa labas na ng mga bakod ng pamantasan, hindi tayo nag-aatubiling isinasama ito sa ating balita (o kaya'y lathalain). ang proseso ng asignasyon ay ginagawa lamang sa dahilang pang-ekonomiko, aspetong pagmamalakad at pagbibigay focus.

isang kabalintunaan na kagustuhan nating pangalagaan ang ating kredibilidad sa pamamagitan ng hindi pagkilala sa ating mga kakulangan at sa kagustuhang iangat ang ating sariling pangalan, nakalilimutan natin ang ilan sa mga pinakamahalagang tenets ng ating pagiging mamamahayag.

falling.

2004-10-02T02:01:00.000-07:00

still falling.

bola.

2004-10-01T04:45:00.000-07:00

i don't know what it is with an inflated leather ball going through a circular metal hoop that makes it so popular a sport. well, i can give you some theories about it. from Freudian psychoanalysis to modern capitalist commercialism. but those are only theories.

if i were to be sure with one thing, this is it: I LOVE THIS GAME!!!

Today, after 2 long Lasallian UAAP Basketball light years, the crown is back to Taft! (Sa wakas, nakatikim din ng championship ang ID 103). And how sweet the smell of success is! We fought a good fight. From a dismal performance at the start of the season, we made the longest winning streak for season 67 with 10 straight wins. We were the underdog. FEU was poised to win a back to back. But the Green Animo (FEU has been using the word Animo in the UAAP a lot longer than us -- Mahilig sila manggaya ng cheers pero we have to credit them with this one) emerges victorious in the end.

I hate to taint this triumph with a rant but... (hey, this is MY BLOG anyway, is it not!) I'll make up for it na lang in the later part, promise. :p

I shoot for our schoolpaper. And for more than 4 years (and no, i'm not that old. I'm only 21 -- oh shux. yeah yeah. fine. im old), I have covered different events like street demonstrations and awarding ceremonies. But nothing beats covering the UAAP Games.

Yes, I agree that it is sad that the first thing that pops into mind is good old basketball, well in fact, there are about 15 to 17 other teams that bear the green banner for the school. I was just mentioning this afternoon to one of the younger people in the publication how hypocritical we are in the newspaper to criticize the students and the administration (and most especially the alumni) for limiting their support to the men's basketball team while, there we were discussing the stench of the system, 30 minutes before the game, texting friends and other "secret sources", trying to figure out how we can get tickets. We were praying to get in.

Courtside seats, courtesy of moi. (Thanks Betsy for the tip. Sayang wala ka sa game. You would have been proud of little brother toni). But when one sits with the older photographers, it is hard not to get insecure with the size of their lenses (no, this is not Freudian). Also, I feel sorry for myself when everytime i am reminded that their digital SLR's can shoot 15 consecutive frames in a second and can store up to 600 shots (full reso). So, with a measly Nikon FM10, I had to depend (as i have always done) on my resourcefulness. I really hope the pictures turn out good (pictures to follow).

2 shots left and there's still 5 mins of game time. my fault, my consternation. (Film bugetting has nothing to do with me quitting Financial Management.) So -- save the two shots for the post-game -- manalo, matalo, i need to get shots of the ceremony.

Ranting ends here.

2.26 seconds on the game clock. DLSU 66, FEU 65. Macmac Cordona is on the freethrow line for 2. The crowd is on an uproar (including me -- I was actually trying to coach Cordona: Tol! isa lang... kahit isa lang...) He makes both.

The rest is history.

This day is quite special. Not only because of the basketball championship. More importantly, what makes this day one of the best in my life is that i felt that camaraderie and sense of belongingness that every school spirit stands for. For one, di lang ikaw ang nagagalit sa kabilang team dahil ginagaya nila ang cheer mo. Yung mas obvious, when the team wins, the school wins -- when the teams loses, it has the school to give consolation. Pero, luma na lang din yun di ba?

If the record of the school stands at 5 championships in 7 years, mine is 3 in 5.

What makes this day special for me is the "thanks" i got from 2 of the younger editors. To begin with, they were not supposed to go to Araneta. Ck and I just convinced them to come. It was their first time to watch the game live. So, Ck and I got to our magic tricks and voila! Tickets! Pero, GenAd lang. Then I remebered last Sunday when my friend Betsy, one of the senior correspondents, got me a pass for the courtside. I remembered how she did her best to get me in, trying all the daya in the book. I was touched. I was with her in EDSA 2, in Mendiola and of course, in Araneta during the champioship series in 2000, 2001 and 2002. As a sign of gratitude, I wanted to share that care and concern for a kapwa mamamahayag, a kapwa PLARIDEL. Ck was also expecting to have some problems with his pass but I know he will manage without my help. "Kaya niya na yan." Ruby and DeeAye got to sit at courtside on their first live game. And they got to sing the Alma Mater hymn at centercourt with the athletes. Ruby, you have no idea how happy you made me today. DeeAye, nasabi ko bang wala ka pang ticket? =)

Another highlight of the day is the fact that i have confirmed to myself that I am okay. Losses from the past have made me weak, made me lose trust on myself and on whatever i consider as Good (take note that "G" is written in the uppercase). Pinilit kung bumangon ngunit muli't muli akong binibigo ng sarili kong diwa. Muli't muli, hanggang sa dumating ang ngayon. The injuries have healed somewhat and I find myself caring again. Sa dagat ng mga taong nagdiriwang, higit ka sa madla, higit ka sa pagdiriwang, higit ka sa lahat.

If only we can rejoice every moment of our lives.

We can. We should.

Actually, there is still one part of the day that i hated. When we got back to school, there was no food! Well, there was really. But it was for the alumni (alumni talaga o!) and the athletes. Okay lang, may bukas naman e.

Tomorrow, I will be happy. Bilog ang mundo.

lost between here and nowhere

2004-09-28T01:47:00.001-07:00

simple question, "san ako lulugar?".

i'm 2-3 years older than 85% of the people in the SPO. I wish i could go and find a job but i cant. have to get my diploma first. Curse this thesis. But it's alright. If i had graduated any earlier, I would have missed a lot -- my salvation. But I'l save that story for later.

I feel useless. Yes, I have served the publication for more than 4 years already and I think I have served it the best way I can (save for some low points. but those too are part of the ride). But something is still missing. So what do i do? i meddle in things that i shouldn't be meddling with. meaning, trabaho ng iba. somehow, i have this urge to help. pero the ironic thing is that people can well be off without my unsolicited help. minsan, prisinta nang prisinta. maganda sana ang intentions pero usually, may maiinis at may makukulitan din. thanks for being kind to me winkle, rc, mel. sori din. da, salamat for appreciating the small insanities ko. jj, thanks for making me feel welcome. ck, thanks for the trust. sayo din ruby. at napagkamalan pa akong nagrun para sa eic. assoc po tinakbuhan ko. :p gene, anak, salamat din sa tiwala. advance happy bday. anne, sana, di tayo sabay grumadweyt. kailangan mauna ako sa iyo. :p chris, thanks for lending me the keys. tila hinayaan mu na rin ako tumingin sa nakalipas. cy, hapi hapi. :D hug!!! shux, kandila ba ito? hehe. and si jj lang naman ang malamang makabasa nito. hehehe.

hopefully, i will find my place.

the other story. if this was 2 years ago, i would have tried suicide. of course, the story is different. and im reacting differently too. but pain can only take on several forms. the worst of them all is that pain caused by seeing others in pain. since the feeling is not yours, one can only imagine. we relate by imagining. we search from a multitude of memories and the emotions that are intricately attached to them. what we dont notice is that we too are doing isolation. and by making them more apparent, more obvious, the feelings become heightened. Thus, in the process of recollection, emotions are intensified. So, it is not hard to imagine shedding tears for the tragedy of characters in a movie or a novel. Or for a friend who you know is in the same crap that you are in.

But besides this, we also create pain whose origin is totally ours. Maybe, to say we create is inappropriate since it presupposes a certain amount of volition -- that we choose to look for our own death. but we can also argue that no one is as perverse as to consciously search for his own demise. it is perhaps that the pain is original but is not of one's own creation. it is the spawn of the universe. chaos is one fundamental character of essence, of being and non-being. this is the pain caused by confusion -- the pain of uncertainty. in whichever case, we die.

but all is not lost. it is somewhat amusing that the same reason for pain -- love and uncertainty -- are also from which we draw happiness and peace. I still believe in goodness. God (whoever he is) has His way of setting things straight. I will not give up on pain. i will never let go of love.

hopefully, i will find my heart.

2004-09-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

im sori. i didn't want to. i just did. im sori.
i would have drowned myself.
I could have just stepped aside. but i didn't.
im sori.

I have done the impossible!

2004-09-25T03:05:00.000-07:00

I have done the impossible -- I made an ant smile again.

The story goes that there is an ant who wanted to have this grain of sugar. But this grain of sugar is not like any other sugar. It is special – very, very special. And our little ant is torn whether he should take the sugar or not. He is a simple ant who lived in a simple world. In fact, to have some breadcrumbs already makes him very happy.

But he longs for this very special grain of sugar. The truth is, just seeing the grain of sugar completes his day. Everyday, he gets closer and closer to the grain of sugar. And this cheers him up. But sadly, with each step he takes, a sense of bitterness inside him gets bigger and bigger.

Is the sugar right for him? Or perhaps, the more appropriate question to ask is is he right for the sugar?

To make matters worse, because this grain was very very special, every ant in the world wants it. And one of those ants is his friend. Every time he would see his friend sit close to the grain of sugar, he cries a little. But the droplets were so small no one notices them. They were virtually invisible.

You might think that nothing can be more unfortunate than this. But there is. What grieves our friend most is that he knows that his friend too sheds his tears -- small and unseen – when it is he who gets close to the grain of sugar.

I’m not blaming the grain of sugar for our dear little friend’s agony. The sugar was simply being what it is – a grain of very special sugar. So is it the fault of our friend ant (and also of his friend)? I guess not. They were also being what they are – simple ants. How does this story end therefore?

If I were to believe what other people tell me, I would say that nothing beats honesty. I have qualms about that thought but in this case, I think it is the best advice I can give to our friend ant – to tell the sugar what he felt.

But it isn’t that easy. Now I am at fault. I soon realized that to be honest with one’s feelings to another was not that easy. First, it demands that you put your emotional shield down and make yourself vulnerable. Secondly, one has to deal with the possibility that you might give other people a great deal of unnecessary burden.

What happened then you ask me? As difficult as it was for our friend ant to handle the things we have mentioned, he decided to go and tell the sugar what he felt. The process was not very pretty. Long pauses, encrypted messages, numerous one-liners (not sentences, just lines) and a gamut of facial expressions. Well actually, it was kind of funny.

In the end, (and at my great relief) my advice turned out to be correct. Now, the sugar knows about what our friend felt. And our friend somehow need not cry his small invisible tears. The last time I saw our friend ant he was smiling.

I could have filled this entry with angst, as I would usually do. With all that I have gone through for the past 3 to 4 years or so, it is hard not to be pessimistic about things. But the ant's smile has made me believe that there are a lot of things that I should be thankful for. That the past is the reason that you are. And that life is still worth living.

Credits

2004-09-23T01:44:00.000-07:00

great thanks for the inspiration.

Windmills of your Mind
Sting

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind