longing

currently listening to: sunrays and saturdays / vertical horizon

it's been exactly 1 week since i bumped into one of the most beautiful women on earth. and sadly, that was the last time i had a decent conversation with her. on the last text i received from her, she said she was sick, and that she was trying to find medicine in an alcohol-filled crowd but couldn't find any.

i guess, busy lang talaga siya. ang dami niya rin kasing pinagkakaabalahan sa school. i just hope she's holding up fine. nabasa ko ang blog ng isa kong kaibigan at nalaman ko na okay naman siya. sana, lagi siyang masaya. yun lang naman ang gusto ko, maging masaya siya.

sana, makausap ko siya ulit. pero kung hindi, okay lang din. nahihiya na rin kasi ako sa kanya dahil sa dami ng atraso ko sa kanya. malaki na rin kasi ang pinagbago ng pagkakaibigan namin. i guess life just happened kaya naging ganon ang sitwasyon namin.

kung mabasa niya ito, gusto ko sanang sabihin na thank you at sorry. thank you para sa lahat. sori para sa lahat. pero, mas maraming thank you. para sa lahat. i admit, i wished it could have been us. im sori. anyways, i wish ok na tayo. ikaw na rin naman nagsabi na sana bati na tayo. kaya bati na tayo. sana.

basta, if you need anything, nandito lang ako. sori if im trying too hard to be affectionate pagdating sa messages. alam kong naiinis ka na rin kaya di ka na nagreply sa akin nung last time akong nagtext. i hope life is treating you well. sana lagi kang masaya. ingat ka lagi at God bless.

shux.

i bumped into one of the most beautiful women on earth when my face was peppered with pimples. so much for pogi points.

i said i didn't have a digital SLR (or any camera for that matter) when i was offered a 10,000 peso project. i hope i still get the job.

i got off on the wrong bus stop because even if i had been to makati a lot of times, i wasn't observant enough to take note where the right bus stop is (you can only get off at bus stops that are designated for unloading).

i took 7 hours to write a 1 and a half page press release that wasn't good enough to be published when boss needed help with a thousand other things. i hope i don't get fired.

from food to wisdom

the most sensible thing i have heard for a long time:

the way to make something perfect is to keep it simple.

God bless the chefs of the world.

what!

if YOU have something to say to me, SAY IT! i don't understand why YOU have to text me with sentences alluding to my previous posts and say "wala lang" or something to that effect. because it simply DOES NOT make sense. and if it was meant to mean something, i would really appreciate it if you just tell me directly what it was. Why? because that is the way "talking" works: you talk to the person and not send him messages pertaining to something that you expect him to know. because i don't.

for all it's worth, i did try to call you. i guess you know that very well. and i really believe that i DID deserve a little courtesy. but no, you really had to ignore each and every call and text i made. and what did i do, i went to your house the next day carrying this weird sense of guilt for something bad i didn't do. hell, i travelled all that way to say sorry for being ignored and lied to. and then, i get to learn later that night from your blog that you harpooned me for being honest with my feelings!

great. you're just great.

and i don't know why you have to be so smug in your post. i really think you should reflect on how you treat people. because not everybody can take the shit you put them through. not me, at least.

by the way, i had earlier erased any intention of writing a post about this matter. i broke my silence because i don't want my silence to be construed as guilt.

don't use my words against me. you have no right to do so.

ingat ka lagi at God bless.

pope benedict XVI

it is interesting to learn that Cardinal Ratzinger, before being elected Pope, headed the office in the church which would correspond to the office responsible for great inquisition during the medieval ages. a great number of people consider him as an ultra-conservatist and his homily during the burial mass of the late pontiff john paul II reflects his theological standing.

but it is equally interesting to know that he was one of the chief liberal intellectuals that entered the Second Vatican Council in the 1960's. perhaps, this fact can either be taken as a good sign or a grimly omen to what is ahead in the next decade or so. one may say that inside that facade of rigidity and frightening firmness burns the heart of a temperate tolerant. or, God forbid, one can say that the church has been successful in demonizing his freethinking spirit making it cold, impersonal and obstinate for the sake of the law. it's hard to say, really. and so with a weird sense of amusement, i say this cliche: only God knows.

during the time of the early christians, peter and paul took on complementary tasks of leading the people in setting up the church. peter to whom the key of heaven was said to have been handed to by jesus, was more of the policy-maker. on the other hand, paul who was originally a persecutor of the christians was the evangelizer to the gentiles.

from this, it is not surprising that based on their names, john paul II and Benedict XVI will trudge / have trudged a similar path from that of their predecessors in building the church in the 21st century. john paul II was the envangelizer, having traveled the most of all the popes in history, having canonized one of the greatest number of saints (i have to check on this one), and having pushed for ecumenism. and from the looks of it, benedict XVI is going to be peter. to give a little background, benedict XV was the pope during world war 1. although he did not have the power to dictate the outcome of the war, his role as a diplomat was instrumental in saving the lives of many soldiers and civilians in a divided Europe, constantly negotiating with the different parties to save one human life at a time. now, benedict XVI"s main challenge is to unite a divided church through diplomatic discussions with the other cardinals, congregation leaders and other important religious. issues like situational ethics (liberal theology), scarcity of priests (corollary to this is the admission of women to the priesthood and lifting the vow of celibacy), and other internal matters. as one journalist said, "benedict XVI will likely be a house-pope."

again, we can only speculate.

i have always considered myself as a left-wing catholic. and the news of having not only a conservative pope but also a distant one, is less than settling. but just the same, i'm thankful that there is a new pope. watch the reruns of his first address / blessing to the world. the sight of the people rejoicing in saint peter's square is really moving.

rejoice! we have a pope!

boredom happens

currently listening to: goldfishes sharing to each other their thoughts.

my sanity hangs by a thread.

the fallacy of the red salmon - photoshop 7.0

there are so many things that should be done but there is nothing to do. i have nobody to talk to because i have chosen to be alone. and the joy of having done so makes me sad. i am so spent from work that i am too tired to rest.

yes, fallacies make my life logical.

***

cardinal electors have entered the conclave. please pray for them and for the next pope.

sira

bwisit! kung kailan pa ako nagtitipid, saka pa nasira phone ko! bwisit! bwisit bwisit! sa mga mahal kong kaibigan, kung kayo ay nagtext sa akin at di ko pa kayo narereplyan, hindi ako suplado. hehehe. obvious ba? =) shet, galit nga pala ako dapat sa pesteng phone na yan. okay, galit mood ulit. sori po. sira po kasi ang phone ko. namamatay siya ng kusa at minsan ay tuluyang di na nabubuhay kahit anong gawin ko. kaya kung may mahalaga po kayong mga bilin, katanungan, o kung anu pa man, macocontact ninyo po ako sa (02)9292398. ito po ay sa bahay namin. pero since nasa trabaho ako madalas, at wala kami madalas sa opisina (nasa field work), pakitext ninyo na lang ako sa gabi. kung minsan kasi, sinusumpong ang telepono ko at bigla na lang gumagana kapag gabi. kapag hindi pa rin ako nakapagreply sa text ninyo sa matagal na panahon, baka tuluyang hindi na nakarating ang inyong mensahe dahil matagal na nakapatay ang phone ko. o kung makapaghihintay naman kayo at maaring maipaalam ng mas maaga, maaari ninyo pong i-email sa toni_cuesta@yahoo.com o sa tonicuesta@gmail.com ang inyong mga mensahe. o kung okay lang naman malaman ng iba ang message ninyo, kahit dito na lang sa blog. =) o kung gusto ninyo rin subukan, pwede ninyo na lang isigaw ng napakalakas ang inyong mensahe at baka sakaling marinig ko. isisigaw ko rin ang sagot ko. hehe. huwag ninyo nang subukan ang smoke signel. di ako marunong bumasa ng usok, unless the message is in bisaya. =P

kaya.

sa mga mapera at may ginintuang puso diyan, may isang tao ritong higit na nangangailangan ng cellphone. hehehe. siyempre, bibilhin ko naman ano! hindi naman ako ganoon kakapal. minsan lang. hehehe. or kung may alam kayong mapagkakatiwalaang repair shop ng nokia 6110 (tama ba ung modelo? basta, yung model ng nokia na gamit ko lagi na hindi naman akin at ngayong nasira ko ay malamang ay patayin ako ng tunay na may-ari kaya sana ay huwag niya muna malaman), palagay naman sa COMMENTS kung saan sila matatagpuan. maraming shalamaht! =)

bow. =)

the word is...

courtesy.

learn some.

***

Music

Counting Crows - Round Here
Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
H & Claire - Beauty And The Beast
Nickelback - Do This Anymore
Once On This Island (Musicale) - Rain
3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
Staind - Zoe Jane
Steven Curtis Chapman - When Love Takes You In
Train - When I Look To The Sky
Michael Buble - Home
Josh Groban - Vincent

***

Kafka

Guess what? I have the same birthday as Franz Kafka! and exactly 100 years ang difference ng age namin! COOLNESS! Maybe I should start reading his books! hehehe, connect. (ang daming exclamation marks. hehehe. obvious bang natuwa ako sa discovery ko?) =)

"the works of Kafka have been recognized as symbolizing modern man's anxiety-ridden and grotesque alienation in an unintelligible, hostile, or indifferent world." -- hmmm. seems interesting. mahanap nga si Kafka. hehehe.

Some quotes:

This little woman, then, is ill-pleased with me, she always finds something objectionable in me. I am always doing the wrong thing to her. I annoy her at every step; if life could be cut into the smallest of small pieces and every scrap of it could be separately assessed, every scrap of my life would certainly be an offense to her.

Wisdom is thus not what men first of all seek. They seek, instead, the justification for what they happen to cherish.

The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That, indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me.

It is the thousandth forgetting of a dream dreamt a thousand times and forgotten a thousand times, and who can damn us merely for forgetting for the thousandth time?

And coincidentally, Milan Kundera, the author of my favorite favorite favorite book The Unbearable Lightness of Being(second only to The Little Prince), also had some influences from Kafka. Hanep!

in peace

and the long journey comes to an end.



Réquiem ætérnam dona ei, Dómine.

Et lux perpétua lúceat ei.

Requiéscat in pace.

Amen.

Anima eius et animaæ omnium fidelium defunctorum per misericordiam Dei requiescant in pace. Amen.

***

whatever that is you are doing, please take a little time to pray and pay homage.

rest

if that is the only way i can make you happy, then i will let you have your way. i'll let you have the last word. i hope this lessens the burden i have caused upon you by being part of your life. and i hope you find the peace of mind you're looking for. goodluck sa buhay. ingat ka lagi at God bless sa iyo ms. anonymous.

breaktime

currently listening to: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing / Jack Johnson

***

got the day off.

but still tired.

back to work tomorrow.

haven't got over the fragmented thoughts thingie yet.

overtime

first day of work.

tiring.

from this point onwards, what you will be reading are fragmented thoughts. but if you know gestalt, then i think you're smart enough to make sense out of this post.

went to sleep this morning at 5 am. had so many thoughts on my mind. woke up at 8. had to go to work.

i got off at the wrong train station. had to take taxi. still sleepy.

was late. got to the office at 10:11. i was asked to write a press release due at the end of the day. i started writing. having problems with words. im a photographer, not a writer. still writing.

boss asks me if i can continue it later. we had to go to westin. saw people. rich people. it is Ferragamo's press conference for its spring release. rich people are peculiar. men talk with loud deep voices. women look young even if they are old. some fail to hide the truth... miserably.

met susan joven. a very nice woman. she is introduced to us as an icon in the PR industry / field (still having problems with jargons). she humbly declines the title. she says she would rather be called hard-working. she's a very nice woman, ms. susan joven. she makes a comment about the salmon being bland. she's joking with the chef. she puts sauce in the salmon. she tells me that the salmon is bland when i was waiting for my turn in the buffet table. "lagyan ko ng matamis na sauce. matabang kasi e," she says.

saw ferragamo fashion show while eating my salmon. in wide screen tv's. real fashion show on the 18th (tama ba? i'm a sucky student). james ferragamo didn't come to the presscon. but he will be there on the 18th (again, not sure of the date). didn't like the bags. although they are nice. women can buy those in marikina if they searched really good.

went back to office at greenbelt mansions full of salmon. i liked the salmon even if it was bland.

went back on writing press release. it is now 3 pm. having problems with sentence construction. me no speak english. have a hard time writing in english. i wish i was good in english. a lot of papers around me. newspapers, previous press releases, news cutouts.

5:30 pm. have finished two different versions of the press release. one based on Inquirer style: lean meat, no fat article. basic 5 W's of journalism. another version based on lifestyle article of manila bulletin. a great number of adjectives said in the superlative. looks like a copy for an advertisement.

mr. oliveros checking some orgcom theses. i tell mr. oliveros im finished. he asks, "you're finished?" it's either he doesn't believe me or he is just impressed. he once mentioned he liked my curriculum vitae. he should be. honors' class in high school. 1 full page of conferences (national and university) attended and awards. officer in organizations and head of foundation program for 2 years. yabang ko. just trying to make my self feel good. because day was really tiring. back to story.

he looks at the two vesions. i showed him first the no-fat article. a lot of comments. i said i just followed what he said. kept it simple and journalistic, straight and short. still comments. i said why doesn't he check the other version. he liked the "radio-ad" version. he does some little changes regarding titles and jargons.

6 pm. finished with press release. still have 1 hour to complete my 8 hour work day.

was asked to photoedit 300+ pictures. not really photoedit as in edit. just need to choose what 4 photos are to be used in the press release. had a hard time again. not much from choosing but in using the computer. large image files, very very sloooooow Imac.

730. 30 minutes overtime. computer still doesn’t want to cooperate. or perhaps, computer just having a hard time just like me. a bit hungry. Mr. Oliveros asks if I am hungry. I said no. I’m super trainee. super trainees don’t get hungry during work. even if overtime.

8 pm. still scanning through pictures. 2 cd’s worth of pictures. at least, photos are nice. pictures of betinna carlos, christian bautista, cathy bordalba and other trumpets people. but people in the office say the set is one of Jason Tablante’s worst photos.

8:15. have chosen 2 photos. still have to get two. finally! picture of children wearing nickelodeon tshirts. jumping, all smiles and happy. I wish I were happy. At least I’m done for the night.

mr. oliveros is going to get food. he asks me why don’t I eat first before I go home. I said mother prepared food for me. he says, “are you sure?” I said im okay. he doesn’t know I am the super trainee. super trainee is never hungry when asked even if he is.

9:15. still in bus. traffic in EDSA. and no load. I go to sleep.

9:45. finally, house sweet bahay. no lights. no one at home. I’m now very hungry. I eat out. got to pares house. checked my phone. cousin Julius texts me if I were coming with them at Don Henrico’s. it was his graduation dinner. I said I was really sorry I wasn’t able to go. the time in the message: 8:45 pm.

mama sends message that she will be on duty tonight. okay. will be alone tonight.

tiring.

end.

a day

Tototonton. I just can’t seem to get that word out of my head.

After a horrendous day at school, I decided to pay my dear little niece a visit in their place in Cainta. They have been here in the Philippines for about a couple of weeks now since they arrived last March 25. My cousin Ate Malou, his husband Kuya Joseph and Lila Martina are now living in Shenzhen. Kuya Joseph works as an associate architect (I’m not sure it I got the position right) for WalMart China and is currently on a business trip around Asia. Since China is obviously a little tiny bit different from home, they have decided that Lila and Ate will stay in the Philippines while Kuya goes on his business trips. I would have visited them as early as Mar 27 if not for that dreaded thesis that I am now starting to love. And this afternoon seemed to be a wonderful time for catching up.



When my mother and I arrived, we caught little Lila watching Spongebob Squarepants in Nickelodeon (did I get the spelling right?). And then when she saw me, she goes “Tototonton! Tototonton!” If you haven’t got it yet, it’s lila-talk for “Tito Tonton!” Don’t get me wrong. She is one heck of a kid, a very smart kid. She’s what, 3? And yet, she speaks English in complete sentences. Of course, there is the occasional undecipherable baby talk but fortunately for us, this is where context cues come in handy. Also, it is quite amusing to hear her with her British accent. Apparently, she imbibed the accent of the Ex-pats in the building where they are staying. She understands Filipino, Chinese and Bisaya. If she gets tired of talking to you, she would say “Ambot sa imo!”



And she’s photogenic too. As you could see in the pictures, Lila is not of the shy type. Ate Malou tells me how Lila would pose every time she would hear the word “smile”. And since Kuya Joseph would usually bring Lila in the office, his boss got an idea to have Lila pose for WalMart. They haven’t received yet the schedule for the shoot but most probably, it will be on June or July when they get back to China.



And as I look at her, growing up so fast, I get to feel a little bit old.







I have about 7 nephews and nieces from my immediate family (not nuclear -- I’m an only child) and two of them already call me “Tito Tonton”. It wont take long that Lila will also call me “Tito Tonton” and as soon as the rest start talking, all of them would be calling me “Tototonton”.

***

My cousin Julius, the brother of Ate Malou, will be having his grade school graduation tomorrow. And we were all very excited about it. Let’s just say he had a hard time budgeting his time between studying and his PC games. I told him, “Nice one Juls! Good job dude! Sa wakas, natapos din!” Then I gave him a handshake and a tap on the shoulder. Although it seems that the handshake and the tap on the shoulder were all too paternal, I really did feel like I was talking to a gentleman, similar to that affirmation of a father or an older brother of a boy’s coming into manhood. I just hope so he starts acting like one. I’m very proud of my cousin.

***

After the job interview at Shangri-La, my mother asked if I could pass by her office for a while. I said I was on the MRT on my way to school but I won’t be staying there long. I just had to meet someone and share to her the good news. And so, after settling whatever is that I had went to school for, I head my way to my mother’s office.

And when I got there, worried that she might have gotten “tampo” with me after i have texted her twice without her replying, I find my mother chatting with the other policewomen. They were talking about our house in Bulacan. Then I realized that my mother wanted me to go to the office because she wanted me to be there when she shared the pictures of the new house with her friends. All I could do was laugh.

My mother has gotten through a lot. If I were to write a telenovela about something, it would be her life: the probinsyana who cried, suffered but endured all the agony life can throw at her, and turned out to be triumphant in the end. It is Marimar meets Analuna. It is not surprising that she loves these kinds of stories. I think her favorite book of all time besides the kursilyo guide is the biography of Lee Iacocca. It is the classic Cinderella story minus the fairy godmother, the carriage and horses that become mice and pumpkin at the stroke of midnight.

I was not making fun of her when I laughed. I was just really happy that she was happy with what she has accomplished in her life. She was so happy that she wanted her dear unico hijo to witness her doing a rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”. It was really a wonderful sight: my mother seated in a monoblock chair lecturing the younger police in front of her who are resting on a bed about life and how to go about it. It was ancient Greece feminized.

The picture would have been complete if not for me. I love the new house. But I love my friends more. I love the city more. I don’t want to move yet to Bulacan. If DA or Lea is reading this, or Jamelle, I have no intention of discrediting our dear Bulacan. But unlike you who are near Caloocan, we are in the Bulacan Province proper. It is near the end of the route buses take. Although it has most of the features of the city, it lacks the one that is next only to electricity in importance: telephones. In our part of Bulacan, telephone lines are yet to be built. Although the mobile phone presents itself to be the next best thing, you cannot connect to the Internet with it. And although many people consider silence (lack of noise) as a plus in choosing a house, in my opinion, the place is too quiet. People go to sleep at 9 or 10. After that, all you can hear are crickets.

I love the city. But I love my mother more. And when she moves out, I have to move out too with her. What shall I do?

***

I’m keeping the apartment. I know it will hurt my mother to learn that I don’t want to move to Bulacan. But I think it will be more of a disappointment to her if I don’t learn how to fend for myself. Now, I get to prove to her that 20 years or so have not gone wasted.

I have a job now. For a PR (Public Relations) firm. Although part time, I think it will not take long until I get a permanent one. I guess this signals the start of my independence.

Tomorrow, I’ll be at the Westin Philippine Plaza to observe a press conference for Ferragamo. Although I have no idea what Ferragamo is, except of course the common knowledge of it being one of those things 98% of the Filipino population cannot have (including me of course, hell of course including me), I am excited for tomorrow’s event. My boss says it is part of my training – an immersion as he puts it.

I won’t be earning a lot from the job but I think the experience that I will be learning from this is which that is invaluable.

***

And so goes an afternoon in my life: A day lonelier, but a day wiser. I wish I find my way.

***

This growing old thing is ironic. Independence makes you strong by making you alone.

being twenty-something

I am a firm believer that e-mails are e-mails and that blogposts are blogposts. but just the same, im posting this email i received from someone who sent it to a yahoogroup where i'm a member because i feel that it would do many of us a great help. It was originally a chain letter that is why i was a little bit apprehensive to read it, at first. I do still have some second thoughts in my mind even now that i am posting it -- again, rule number 7 of blogposting: emails are emails, blogposts are blogposts.

i think it would be nice to know that we are not alone in this moment of our lives, when almost everything is a blur and we get ourselves lost in this cursed place many would call Limbo. and so, the decision of posting this pseudo-essay of a person whose identity i have no idea of, but is kind enough to send an unpretentious brief of the twenty-something condition.

i was reading the blog of a friend of mine and was chatting with him in YM on the night i posted this. It is amazing how articulate and honest the way he expressed what he had inside: "i feel......iffy....ahy....somebody shoot me." we try to look for that magic pill that would instantly take away all the anxiety, doubt and uncertainty. unfortunately, this is life and not a migraine, and solutions aren't sold in aspirin bottles. and as he have said it: "i feel...wala....labo...nde sad, nde happy, nde depressed...wala talaga. nde naman empty..nde naman ako bato....pero ngayon...wala lang." he adds, "nde ako suicidal, pero i never saw myself growing old. kaya i wanna achieve a lot ...not achieve in a medal sort of way. but i wanna be somebody na.... basta... i wanna be.... happy.... contented.... have people be happy as well...."

you're one of the people i look up to jay. have trust in your self. we will all get through this.

although i am aware that blaming one's age is a very simplistic if not naive way of looking at it, it is undeniable that the length of one's stay in the world usually coincides with the stages of one's growth. and a requisite of growth being the shit along the way. shit make good fertilizers, you know. and you usually find that special kind of shit at Street 21 and Avenue 43. (sorry, my metaphors are getting all mixed-up.)

i've edited some stuff and so what you will be reading is a modified version. i hope the owner of this essay / open letter doesn't sue me for copyright infringement. i would have put your name, dear author, if i only knew who you were. thank you for the wonderful insight.

***

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom you become scared.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

loser

Everything is ruined. And it is all my fault.

My mother and I have so much planned for this year. We are set to move in to our new house this May. The house blessing was set to coincide with the graduation party, mama’s promotion party and a family reunion. Afterwards, we were planning to go to Boracay or perhaps, a trip abroad.

But that will not happen. Well at least one isn’t.

This summer, I wanted to go to all the parties and out of town gimmicks without worrying that I still have some unfinished business to attend to. I wanted to get drunk and wasted and not be guilty about it. I wanted to spend this summer carefree, fulfilled and proud.

But I won’t.

Because I am not going to graduate.

The incubation period for my concept took too long. It took me about 3 months just to arrive at a viable story, a meta-narrative. And when I finally got it down on paper, it wasn’t for a screenplay after all.

“It would make a very interesting novel -- one that borrows heavily from Chari Lucero.”

Unfortunately…

“But it's too diffuse and sprawling for a screenplay, which needs to be tight. You're thinking in words, not images/scenes.”

And that …

“A feature film is more like a short story than a novel. You still have a lot of work to do, unless you shift to Creative Writing.”

I’m not only working on a story for the wrong medium, now, I’m also a plagiarist. Of course I can always say that we have the same topic (the Suludnon tribe of Panay and a story about story-telling) and that parallelisms and similarities are bound to happen. But then, who will believe me? Rosario Lucero has a number of literary awards under her name, including 2 Palanca 1st Prize awards. And I, what do I have? Not a single thing.

So what do I do? I change my story – 4 days after the designated date for the submission of screenplays. I changed the story because I thought if I made something that resembled a short story instead of a novel, I would still be able to make it. I was hoping that a petition to the thesis coordinator and the department chair would do the trick as long as I have done something that is worthy of my mentor’s signature.

But what happens? My mentor gets pissed-off at me. And for very good reasons. I have been pestering him during the break with emails upon emails of ideas about the thesis, pleading for help even if I myself clearly know that I was hoping for nothing less than the impossible. I can’t even call those emails drafts. They were more like scratch papers. And after being kind enough to actually read ALL of my emails, sharing his thoughts and comments regarding the concept and the storyline, when he should have been resting and enjoying the break, I suddenly change my story. Since what I submitted to him was something I snatched from the top of my head, it was bound to be sub-par. It has a story, but the point wasn’t clear enough. Also, as my mentor made it very clear, it was far from the concept that the department approved.

And so I stare at my monitor, typing this post, not knowing what to do next. My mother hasn’t arrived yet and I bet the news would… actually, I don’t know how my mother will react to the news. I think she has been in enough disappointment for more than a year now that another unwelcome news wouldn’t all be too surprising. She might have been more shocked if our new house wasn’t finished by this week.

I have failed. And I have failed terribly, miserably. I have failed my friends who gave their support all the way. I have failed my mentor who has been patient and considerate with me. I have failed my mother who has given all her love despite everything – trusting me that I can finally fulfill her dreams by actually finishing college, at long last. I have failed my self as an artist. I shouldn’t be calling myself that! I don’t deserve the label. Artists are smart people. Artists are successful people, maybe not always on the financial side, but they are successful nonetheless. Artists are happy and fulfilled. Artists have something to impart to the world and to humanity. Artists are not losers.

I have failed. And I am going to fail Projco2, going to get a O.O for the second time, in five tries, in two years.

I am a loser. Because I think so.

***

I am really NOT in a good mood right now. Please, if YOU have nothing sensible to say, it would be better to leave me sulk in my depression. I still consider this blog my personal space although it is by no means a private webpage. You say YOU mean well. Thanks. But my friends are more important to me than your intentions. They have already proven their intentions through the simple fact that THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.

I DON’T KNOW YOU. Although you can obviously get the attention of other people, being rude won't make you interesting. YOU have already caused me and my friends so much trouble. Please STOP bothering them. I hope YOU understand.

the longest week

and i wonder: bakit nga ba screenplay ang thesis ko?

i have less than 1 week until the Deadline (with a capital "D")... the day which will decide the fate of the rest of my life. and what do i do? i blog. yes, you heard it right, i blog. (well, you're reading it, aren't you?)

sorry, parang galit. galit talaga ako. pero sa sarili ko. consider yourself, dear reader, a helpless victim to this vicious release of pent up emotions by a miserable schmuck desperately pretending to be a writer .

sir groyon's comments on my previous sequence treatment:

• no story yet.
• still no story.
• all expostion, still no story.
• artificial plot structure.
• huh?
• huh?
• describe concrete things - action, incident, appearance, dialogue.
• huh?
• lots of local color, no story.
• the preponderance of corpses and accidents is getting too unbelievable at this point.
• huh?
• review plot structure.
• establish character's goal.
• rethink incidents in terms of logic and realism.
• huh?
• huh?
• still no story.
• huh?
• how do you want this to end?
• huh?
• huh?
• you've totally lost one.
• huh?
• huh?
• still no story.

niiiiice.

why, oh, why toni? ano ba ang pumasok sa isip mo at screenplay ang pinili mong thesis?

and i stare at the sea of index cards wherein i have written all the events that are suppose to happen in my story wondering, "what now?"

first problem: nagpupumilit ako magsulat ng meta-narrative. e simpleng plot structure, di ko magawa.

second problem: i can understand English. but i only have a functional vocabulary of what... about 30 english words. paano ko idedescribe yung actions, incidents at appearance? e sa verbs, ang alam ko lang, go, stop, jump, kick, sit, fetch. sa adverbs, desparately, unfortunately. sa adjectives, big, small, sad, happy. yun lang.

third problem: rethink incidents in terms of logic and realism? e naniniwala nga akong may alaga akong stuff toy na nagsasalita. at sabi ko, pusa siya kahit ang sinasabi ng buong mundo ay aso siya. (rover, 'wag ka maniwala sa kanila. ikaw ay isang pusa kahit ano pa ang sabihin nila.)

fourth problem: establish character's goal? e ako nga, wala pang plano para bukas.

fifth problem: closure sa story? e itong post nga lang na ito, di ko alam kung paano ko tatapusin.

God, i need help.

*sigh*

oh well.

end.

period.

.

period.

chopsuey

Warning


The following blog post contains random thoughts, pointless ramblings, and inane epiphanies. They were put together in a form of a brief anthology by the author as to be nothing short of a farewell letter before he submits himself to voluntary solitary confinement for the purpose of dedicating his time to finishing his thesis and finally graduating at the end of the term.

What you will be reading was written by a person who is suffering from a mild case of schizophrenia, and was formulated under the supervision of a host of alter egos. Any desire for comprehending the said post is ill-advised. The author will not be liable for any headache, impairment or misinformation, whether real or illusory, obtained from reading the following text.

No animals were hurt in writing this piece.

Ang patnubay ng magulang ay kinakailangan.

***

BayLayn

Matapos ang luha, pawis at dugo, sa wakas, natapos na rin tayo! Congrats sa atin!

Kay Winkle, Jad at Kuya Hector. Dahil walang nang-iwan sa atin hanggang matapos ang event, salamat. Ang galing natin!

I-Witness: the GMA Documentaries, Philstar.com, Office of the Mayor City of Manila at Filipino Department. The event would not have been as successful without your invaluable assistance.

Rep. Rina Hontiveros. Ma’am, thanks for your graciousness in attending in spite of your tight schedule. We will keep in touch.

At sa mga nagsidalong mamamahayag pangkampus sampu ng kanilang mga tagapayo. Sana ay manatiling nag-aapoy ang alab ng mapanuri at responsableng pamamahayag.

Salamat sa inyo.

Special mention sa Green &White, para sa frames at kay rc, para sa mga favor (parang ang dami ko nang utang sa iyo ah. Half Life!).

At siyempre, paano ko ba makalilimutan, ang mga pinakaimportanteng tao sa pag-oorganisa ng Infest, si Bobong Pulis at G. Cordero. Sana…

Ulit, congrat sa atin!

***

EHR-MEE-TAN-YOH

Trans: hermit, recluse, solitary person



Remember the face.

Because you won’t be seeing him for a while.

Hahaha! ANG DRAMA!!! :)

***

Music

A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton
Accidentally In Love – Counting Crows
Ang Himig Natin – Juan dela Cruz Band
Bedshaped – Kean
Breakaway – Kelly Clarkson
By The Road – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Collide – Howie Day
Five Candles – Jars of Clay
Happy Together – The Turtles
Higher - Creed
Ipagpatawad Mo – VST & Co.
It’s Oh So Quiet – Bjork
Kiss from a Rose – Seal
Kissing A Fool – Michael Buble
KLSP – Sponge Cola
Lovely Day – Bill Withers
Meet Virginia - Train
My Stupid Mouth – John Mayer
Name – Goo Goo Dolls
One Thing – Finger 11
Perslab - Hotdog
Sailing – Christopher Cross
Shimmer - Fuel
Try Again Today – The Charlatans
What Might Have Been – Lou Pardini
Wherever You Will Go – The Calling

senseless thoughts

Anima Christi - J. Arboleda
Crazy For You – Sponge Cola
Easy Like Sunday Morning - Faith No More
Everybody Hurts - REM
Half Life - Duncan Sheik
Hari ng Sablay - Sugarfree
I will remember you - Sarah Mclachlan
Iris – GooGoo Dolls
Just Like Anyone - Aimee Mann
Lead Me Lord - Gary Valenciano
Promenade - Cinnamon
Smash This World - Papas Fritas
Soul Searching - Urbandub
Sparks - Coldplay
Stupid Memory - Sondre Lerche
Universal Traveler - Air
Windmills of Your Mind - Sting
Your Eyes – Sundays
You'll Be Safe Here - Rivermaya

really weird night.

1 day missing (the adobo story)

i woke up this afternoon feeling lost as if i was still in lalaland. i looked out the window and the sun was of pale orange, kissing the concrete wall of the house across the street. I instinctively reached out for my trusty alarm clock, and struggled to open my eyes to see what time it was. “PUNYEMAS!!! 6:30 na!” I stayed up late last night (this morning) trying to write my screenplay. And as each of my days go, I wake up late the next day. But I didn’t expect I was going to wake up this late. “6:30!!!, wasted ka dude!!!” An entire day rendered useless! So, knowing that my mother will be coming over, I jumped off my bed, hurriedly put-on my shirt and scurried into the kitchen to prepare food. “What shall I prepare... what shall I prepare... aha! Something quick and easy to cook! ADOBO!” So I opened the freezer, got the pork thawed, measured the soy sauce and the vinegar, rummaged from our selection of spices for some whole peppers and a leaf of laurel. Then I remembered, “I haven’t fed the fishies!” Yes, psychotic and pervertedly carnivorous these goldfishes may be, they are still my mother’s pets. So, after saying my sorry’s to them, I carefully sprinkled fish flakes over them, cautious of the possibility that they might leap from the aquarium and maul my fingers. Fortunately, no untoward incident happened during my/their feeding session. Waiting for the rice to cook, I had the dishes from last night’s dinner washed, and the empty water bottles filled. Afterwards, knowing how mama is with dust, I wiped the pieces of furniture, the vases, the computer, the cabinets, the shelf, the platera and anything else that had the white powder on it. The rice is ready. I then put the pork cuts in a pot together with the other ingredients. What’s good with adobo is that you just put all the goodies in and leave it sitting until it cooks. Voila! ADOBO: ang ulam ng mga tamad at adik sa baboy at maalat. The steams off and im just waiting for the ulam to cook. So I decided to water the plants. But then, when I got outside to the pasilio, I noticed something different... It was quiet (cue: Twilight Zone music). You can actually hear nothing. during this time, one should be hearing the shrilling voice of our neighbor in his videoke singing some dead person’s song like My Way by Sinatra, or you should be seeing kids playing mataya-taya, piko, patintero or anything that kids play on weekends when there are no classes. Still perplexed, I decided to turn on the TV to make sure that the world still hasn’t been invaded by aliens and that I’m not left to live in this earth alone with deadly killer cannibal fishes. What I saw was... errr... less than comforting. I saw nothing but hundreds of thousands of black and white dots moving frantically from one end of the screen to another. The goldfishes are starting to look more scary by the second. the ticking of the clock got louder as if it was the only remnant of sound in the universe. I switched to the next channel, and to the next, and to the next – but all there was were little black and white dots running around and the deafening noise of the clock. “Not today Sadako, not today... Please...” But when I was about to break down and shout, there she was, a woman holding a microphone, her face wet with tears, crying hallelujah on channel 13. with a raised eyebrow, I dim-wittedly scratched my head. “huh?” from eerie to el shaddai in 10 seconds. Then, after regaining some sanity, I again pointed the remote control towards the TV. And low and behold, Ka Peter Musngi demonstrating how to bake pandesal in Kumikitang Kabuhayan. It was, as it turned out to be, 6:30... IN THE MORNING!!! There is nothing like a good panic attack in the morning, (milk for my cereal, adrenaline for my bloodstream, makes no sense to me). No wonder the gold fishes didn’t try to bite off my fingers. Oh well, at least, I’ll have adobo for breakfast. Nice.

notice to the public:
if you’re still scratching your head trying to make sense out of this post, searching for a moral lesson or any semblance of a point, you might as well stop before your scalp starts on bleeding.

ADOBO AT KANIN. ASTIG!

pulis patola

bureaucracy… ah… the f___ing bane of Philippine society. When my mother texted me yesterday, congratulating me for doing a good job by actually staying alive living alone, I was… umm… less than excited. “Welcome to the real world,” she said in Filipino. And today, I see why I have so much qualms about growing up and being part of the “real world.”

for those who had the time to waste and have actually been reading my blog, it is not news to you that I’ve been living solo for about 2 weeks now. Yes, pathetic I know. For some people I know who are younger than me and are dormers, the words that may come to mind are: errrr… tell me something I don’t know… (yep, pathetic isn’t it?).

anyhow, this post takes a break from those domestic matters I concern myself too much with for the past few days and instead will venture into a subject that should be placed more appropriately in an editorial column (miss ko na magsulat ng column… *sigh*).

so here it goes.

matapos ang nakapanggigigil na trapik sa ilalim ng nagbabagang init ng araw, dumating ako sa Port Area ng mga alas dos y media ng hapon. Nandun ako para asikasuhin ang permit para sa Infest na nagpapaalam para sa amin upang isara ang isang bahagi ng Fidel A. Reyes, o mas kilala natin bilang Agno.

hindi naman talaga ako dapat pumunta doon dahil una, ang request namin ay nakaaddress sa Manila City Hall kaya sila na dapat ang umasikaaso noon kung magkataon man na marami itong dapat daanan (mula sa Office of the Secretary of the Mayor, “inindorse” /ipinasa kami sa Permits Bureau tapos sa Records Bureau tapos sa Traffic Bureau tapos sa Engineering Group). Ikalawa, sabihin na nating di maiiwasan na kailangan kausapin mismo ang mga iba’t ibang bureau, ganon ba kahina ang kokote nila para hindi maintindihan yung diagram na pagkalinawlinaw na pinaghirapan pa naming idrawing at kailangan pa naming pumunta doon dahil daw “mas mabilis kung personal naming dadalhin doon ang request namin”? Mga hunghang! Ilang beses ko bang uulitin na magpartner ang Cityhall at ang Plaridel. Wala bang weight yun sa pakikitungo sa amin? At ilang beses ko bang uulitin na next week na yung event at matagal na naming dinala ang request naming sa cityhall (by the way ms Ailyn, mabait ka at pwede kang pumasok na operator sa call center sa boses mo pero naiinis ako sa iyo dahil kailangan pa naming kulitin ka nang dalawang linggo para lang umurong yung request namin? Ayos lang naman kung dineny niyo kami kaagad, at least di na namin kailangang umasa.)

at nang dumating na ako sa engineering group, nakita ko ang isang pulis na ang itsura ay parang pinantulog niya ang uniporme niya, hindi naka-tuck at nakabukas ang pantaas, nakikipagkuwentuhan at siyempre, bundat ang tiyan. Manila’s Finest nga!

TONI: Boss, tanong ko, dito po ba yung sa engineering?
BOBO: O bakit? (iritang sagot)
(Aba! Ang bastos sumagot. Lalong nag-liyab ang nag-iinit ko nang ulo. Pero kailangan kong maging magalang. Pulis ito at may kailangan ako sa kanya.)
TONI: Ah eh, ako po yung taga-Lasalle, I-pafollow up ko lang po yung request namin.
BOBO: Sa La Salle? Wala namang galing sa Lasalle ah? Ano kelangan ninyo?
(pun_e_a! Kasasabi lang kanina nung kausap ko sa telepono, dumating na dito. Pati yung desk officer, sabi niya, nandito na raw)
TONI: Ah eh… (nagpipigil) ah, kami po yung nagrerequest na ipasara yung street na malapit sa skul.
BOBO: E kahapon lang dumating yun e. (kanina, wala, tapos ngayon, natanggap na pala. At kahapon pa.)
BOBO: Boy, (T_NG-__A!!! WAG MO AKONG TAWAGING BOY, mama na ako! At hindi ako messenger!!!! Estudyante ako ng La Salle! Mukha lang akong messenger… Pero estudyante ako!!!), Hindi ganun kadali yun! Kailangang pirmahan pa yun. (e bakit di mo pa pirmahan?)
TONI: Umm boss, (hawak na ang bolpen at handa nang ipangtusok sa kausap na pulis), next week na po kasi yung event. Baka pwede namang maasikaso (kaysa na nakatunganga lang kayo diyan at nakikipagkwentuhan!)
BOBO: Boy (HUWAG MO NGA SABI AKONG TAWAGING BOY!), lahat ng mga nangyayari sa Maynila, dito dumadaan. E ilan lang ako? (BOBO!!! Kung nag-iisip ka, di mo dapat gawing rason sa akin yan! Mas lalo ka tuloy nagmumukahang bobo! Baka nga bobo ka! BOBO!!! Bakit di kayo magdagdag ng tao o magpalaki ng opisina?! At kanina, nakikipagkuwentuhan ka lang! At kahapon pa dumating ang request namin! Nang umaga!)
BOBO: Eto nga, (tinutukoy ang babaeng kadarating lang at may dalang mga papeles), nung isang linggo pa. (Aba! Ipagmalaki pa?! BOBO!)

tinawag niya ang isang kasama at pinahanap ang request namin. Nang hindi mahanap ng kasama, siya na ang naghanap (at mabuti naman. Kaya lumalaki yang tiyan mo! Dahil wala kang ginagawa!)

at matapos ang halos 10 minutong paghahanap (e di ba dapat ay may folder kayo ng incoming at outgoing documents?) lumabas siya daladala ang request namin.
Ipinakita niya sa akin ang request naming at sinabi
BOBO: ayan nga o, wala pang pirma ko. (BOBO BOBO BOBO!!!! Sige, ipagmalaki mo pa!)

kung nagtataka ka kung bakit walang mga salitang nanggagaling sa akin, ito ay dahil pinili ko nang tumahimik at baka mapaaway lang ako.

BOBO: O sige, balik ka bukas, mga alas diyes.
TONI: Salamat po boss. Sige po, balik na lang ako bukas. Pasensya na po sa abala.

words of advice… find the person who hired you as soon as possible and have yourselves ran over by the LRT para malaman ninyo ang ibig sabihin ng “bilis” at para na rin mabawasan ang mga bobo sa mundo! malaki kang kahihiyan sa tsapa mo, sa buong kapulisan at sa pamilya mo, kung meron ka man.

*ummm… with all the expletives i’ve said here, i doubt it if anyone would let me publish it as a column. oh well..

remember that in public service, there are (should be) no excuses.

some people may find it strange that i am able to hold such terrible amount of rage against a person in uniform when in fact, my mother’s a police officer. well, i want you all tol know that my mother’s of the good-cop kind. even she has her own grievances against the police force. sometimes, she would tell me stories of PO1’s and PO2’s who live extravagantly, sporting high-end cell phones and two to three cars. not to mention that they are able to support a family of 7 with their small salary, who knows where they are getting the money to spend for all these stuff. but although suntok sa buwan ang mangarap ng pagbabago, she does her best, with the little that she can to remedy some of the problems.

and for this, she was awarded a number of times, including an award or two for the most outstanding policewoman of the year. and yesterday, I got from her office in her behalf the letter informing her that she passed the NAPOLCOM exams and is now up for a promotion to the rank of Captain.

you’re the best mama(ko)ng pulis.

so there, a summary of my day. Pat, sorry for the theatrics. just wanted to let it all out. And about the permit, i’ll have it tomorrow. sorry for the delay.

-----
pahabol:

so… to make up for the horrible day, i cooked myself salpicao. living alone usually takes away the joy in food and eating. why prepare something special when all you want is to fill yourself up with anything edible. thus, i’ve been living on leftovers and canned goods. or kung minsan, bumibili na lang ako sa BeeLiJo o sa turu-turo. the last time i cooked something that one can actually call food (it was sinigang by the way.. yummm,,) was last last Sunday when mama came home from Bulacan. ngayon, nagluto ako para naman makabawi sa sarili ko. (sayang, sana, mas marami yung bawang)

yun lang. just wanted to share what i had for dinner.