intentions

currently listening to: Baby I Love Your Way (Rockstar: INXS version) – Mig Ayeza feat. Marty Casey, Jordis Unga

My point is… well, the truth is, no one gives a damn what my point is.

I don’t know if it’s just a phase (when all you feel is being alone in that dark place inside your head) or it’s simply a concrete example of the postmodernist dilemma (of individuals losing their voices in the multitude) but I just sense that nobody understands me. Yeah, yeah, it’s a tad melodramatic I know. But it’s the truth. I have been reflecting for some time now about my last post. And I told a friend that I’m a bit disappointed that only a handful really got the idea behind it. As I told my friend, “most of the people only see the comedy, and none of the sarcasm.” I would like to make it clear that it’s entirely MY FAULT and not of my visitors that they didn’t see the satirical aspect of the script. It’s my fault as the writer (note: “as THE writer” and not “as A writer”) that I wasn’t able to communicate my intentions clearly. It undoubtedly shows my inadequacy in skill to use words to translate thought into actions and pictures, to tell people what I really want to say to them, to make them understand what I have in mind. What is it really about you ask? The idea was to make a commentary about controlled environments and how certain control mechanisms become entertaining and horrifying at the same time. (And sometimes, incredibly ridiculous.) I know what you’re saying… “aaaaahhh… yun ba yun?”. Just like what I’ve said, not a tinge of talent for communication, I don’t have, yes? (Huh?)

I didn’t want to make such a big deal about it really. But the fear of the thesis defense which is fast approaching, just keeps on gnawing at me. What if they don’t understand what I want to say? What if they don’t like it? What if they only see the text and context and none of the subtext? What if I froze in front of the panel? What if? What if? What if? And sir hasn’t been much of a help either. It’s not that he’s not doing his job as a mentor. It’s just that he’s been really cryptic about things that I barely have an idea if I did my thesis right or not. Last time, he said, “You did it naman di ba? Well then, defend it.” Ummm... anu po ibig sabihin nun? Tapos, Il asked him, “sir, may comments po ba kayo?” And then he said, “Basta makagraduate ka na.” ??????? I’m not even sure if his reply was a question or an answer. Tapos, I asked him again, “ummm, sir… pangit po ba o maganda?” And he went, “it’s not important kung panget o maganda.” I tell you, with sir, you have to believe in your work or else the panel’s going to eat you alive. Di mo naman pwedeng sabihin na, "e kasi po... sabi ni sir..." It’s not the job of mentors to tell you what you should or should not do. Their work is to make you think for yourself. Kung sa real world nga naman, you only have yourself to be the judge of your work. I have nothing against him. The truth is, he’s been extremely patient with me. Hay… The only thing I’m banking on right now is the fact that when he asked me, “Kapag may tinanong ba ako tungkol sa thesis mo, masasagot mo ba?”, I answered, “Yes sir.” Sana, sana, sana. Basta, the key word is LEITMOTIF.

Everyone just wants me to graduate. What I want is to prove myself. Yun yung mahalaga. Yung diploma, makakapagpagawa ako nun sa Recto. Pero yung fulfillment na di napunta sa wala yung oras na ginugol mo sa college, walang makapapalit dun. And besides, I want to teach at the department. I have to prove myself worthy of such company. But then again, I can't even construct one decent sentence. Hay… mga pangarap.

Oh well. I hope that at least in this post, I made people understand what I wanted to say. Or not. Ewan!

P.S. I’m currently accepting donations for bond papers and computer ink cartridges. Wish me luck people. And thanks sa walang katapusang morale support. Salamat, salamat, salamat.