senseless thoughts

Anima Christi - J. Arboleda
Crazy For You – Sponge Cola
Easy Like Sunday Morning - Faith No More
Everybody Hurts - REM
Half Life - Duncan Sheik
Hari ng Sablay - Sugarfree
I will remember you - Sarah Mclachlan
Iris – GooGoo Dolls
Just Like Anyone - Aimee Mann
Lead Me Lord - Gary Valenciano
Promenade - Cinnamon
Smash This World - Papas Fritas
Soul Searching - Urbandub
Sparks - Coldplay
Stupid Memory - Sondre Lerche
Universal Traveler - Air
Windmills of Your Mind - Sting
Your Eyes – Sundays
You'll Be Safe Here - Rivermaya

really weird night.

1 day missing (the adobo story)

i woke up this afternoon feeling lost as if i was still in lalaland. i looked out the window and the sun was of pale orange, kissing the concrete wall of the house across the street. I instinctively reached out for my trusty alarm clock, and struggled to open my eyes to see what time it was. “PUNYEMAS!!! 6:30 na!” I stayed up late last night (this morning) trying to write my screenplay. And as each of my days go, I wake up late the next day. But I didn’t expect I was going to wake up this late. “6:30!!!, wasted ka dude!!!” An entire day rendered useless! So, knowing that my mother will be coming over, I jumped off my bed, hurriedly put-on my shirt and scurried into the kitchen to prepare food. “What shall I prepare... what shall I prepare... aha! Something quick and easy to cook! ADOBO!” So I opened the freezer, got the pork thawed, measured the soy sauce and the vinegar, rummaged from our selection of spices for some whole peppers and a leaf of laurel. Then I remembered, “I haven’t fed the fishies!” Yes, psychotic and pervertedly carnivorous these goldfishes may be, they are still my mother’s pets. So, after saying my sorry’s to them, I carefully sprinkled fish flakes over them, cautious of the possibility that they might leap from the aquarium and maul my fingers. Fortunately, no untoward incident happened during my/their feeding session. Waiting for the rice to cook, I had the dishes from last night’s dinner washed, and the empty water bottles filled. Afterwards, knowing how mama is with dust, I wiped the pieces of furniture, the vases, the computer, the cabinets, the shelf, the platera and anything else that had the white powder on it. The rice is ready. I then put the pork cuts in a pot together with the other ingredients. What’s good with adobo is that you just put all the goodies in and leave it sitting until it cooks. Voila! ADOBO: ang ulam ng mga tamad at adik sa baboy at maalat. The steams off and im just waiting for the ulam to cook. So I decided to water the plants. But then, when I got outside to the pasilio, I noticed something different... It was quiet (cue: Twilight Zone music). You can actually hear nothing. during this time, one should be hearing the shrilling voice of our neighbor in his videoke singing some dead person’s song like My Way by Sinatra, or you should be seeing kids playing mataya-taya, piko, patintero or anything that kids play on weekends when there are no classes. Still perplexed, I decided to turn on the TV to make sure that the world still hasn’t been invaded by aliens and that I’m not left to live in this earth alone with deadly killer cannibal fishes. What I saw was... errr... less than comforting. I saw nothing but hundreds of thousands of black and white dots moving frantically from one end of the screen to another. The goldfishes are starting to look more scary by the second. the ticking of the clock got louder as if it was the only remnant of sound in the universe. I switched to the next channel, and to the next, and to the next – but all there was were little black and white dots running around and the deafening noise of the clock. “Not today Sadako, not today... Please...” But when I was about to break down and shout, there she was, a woman holding a microphone, her face wet with tears, crying hallelujah on channel 13. with a raised eyebrow, I dim-wittedly scratched my head. “huh?” from eerie to el shaddai in 10 seconds. Then, after regaining some sanity, I again pointed the remote control towards the TV. And low and behold, Ka Peter Musngi demonstrating how to bake pandesal in Kumikitang Kabuhayan. It was, as it turned out to be, 6:30... IN THE MORNING!!! There is nothing like a good panic attack in the morning, (milk for my cereal, adrenaline for my bloodstream, makes no sense to me). No wonder the gold fishes didn’t try to bite off my fingers. Oh well, at least, I’ll have adobo for breakfast. Nice.

notice to the public:
if you’re still scratching your head trying to make sense out of this post, searching for a moral lesson or any semblance of a point, you might as well stop before your scalp starts on bleeding.

ADOBO AT KANIN. ASTIG!

pulis patola

bureaucracy… ah… the f___ing bane of Philippine society. When my mother texted me yesterday, congratulating me for doing a good job by actually staying alive living alone, I was… umm… less than excited. “Welcome to the real world,” she said in Filipino. And today, I see why I have so much qualms about growing up and being part of the “real world.”

for those who had the time to waste and have actually been reading my blog, it is not news to you that I’ve been living solo for about 2 weeks now. Yes, pathetic I know. For some people I know who are younger than me and are dormers, the words that may come to mind are: errrr… tell me something I don’t know… (yep, pathetic isn’t it?).

anyhow, this post takes a break from those domestic matters I concern myself too much with for the past few days and instead will venture into a subject that should be placed more appropriately in an editorial column (miss ko na magsulat ng column… *sigh*).

so here it goes.

matapos ang nakapanggigigil na trapik sa ilalim ng nagbabagang init ng araw, dumating ako sa Port Area ng mga alas dos y media ng hapon. Nandun ako para asikasuhin ang permit para sa Infest na nagpapaalam para sa amin upang isara ang isang bahagi ng Fidel A. Reyes, o mas kilala natin bilang Agno.

hindi naman talaga ako dapat pumunta doon dahil una, ang request namin ay nakaaddress sa Manila City Hall kaya sila na dapat ang umasikaaso noon kung magkataon man na marami itong dapat daanan (mula sa Office of the Secretary of the Mayor, “inindorse” /ipinasa kami sa Permits Bureau tapos sa Records Bureau tapos sa Traffic Bureau tapos sa Engineering Group). Ikalawa, sabihin na nating di maiiwasan na kailangan kausapin mismo ang mga iba’t ibang bureau, ganon ba kahina ang kokote nila para hindi maintindihan yung diagram na pagkalinawlinaw na pinaghirapan pa naming idrawing at kailangan pa naming pumunta doon dahil daw “mas mabilis kung personal naming dadalhin doon ang request namin”? Mga hunghang! Ilang beses ko bang uulitin na magpartner ang Cityhall at ang Plaridel. Wala bang weight yun sa pakikitungo sa amin? At ilang beses ko bang uulitin na next week na yung event at matagal na naming dinala ang request naming sa cityhall (by the way ms Ailyn, mabait ka at pwede kang pumasok na operator sa call center sa boses mo pero naiinis ako sa iyo dahil kailangan pa naming kulitin ka nang dalawang linggo para lang umurong yung request namin? Ayos lang naman kung dineny niyo kami kaagad, at least di na namin kailangang umasa.)

at nang dumating na ako sa engineering group, nakita ko ang isang pulis na ang itsura ay parang pinantulog niya ang uniporme niya, hindi naka-tuck at nakabukas ang pantaas, nakikipagkuwentuhan at siyempre, bundat ang tiyan. Manila’s Finest nga!

TONI: Boss, tanong ko, dito po ba yung sa engineering?
BOBO: O bakit? (iritang sagot)
(Aba! Ang bastos sumagot. Lalong nag-liyab ang nag-iinit ko nang ulo. Pero kailangan kong maging magalang. Pulis ito at may kailangan ako sa kanya.)
TONI: Ah eh, ako po yung taga-Lasalle, I-pafollow up ko lang po yung request namin.
BOBO: Sa La Salle? Wala namang galing sa Lasalle ah? Ano kelangan ninyo?
(pun_e_a! Kasasabi lang kanina nung kausap ko sa telepono, dumating na dito. Pati yung desk officer, sabi niya, nandito na raw)
TONI: Ah eh… (nagpipigil) ah, kami po yung nagrerequest na ipasara yung street na malapit sa skul.
BOBO: E kahapon lang dumating yun e. (kanina, wala, tapos ngayon, natanggap na pala. At kahapon pa.)
BOBO: Boy, (T_NG-__A!!! WAG MO AKONG TAWAGING BOY, mama na ako! At hindi ako messenger!!!! Estudyante ako ng La Salle! Mukha lang akong messenger… Pero estudyante ako!!!), Hindi ganun kadali yun! Kailangang pirmahan pa yun. (e bakit di mo pa pirmahan?)
TONI: Umm boss, (hawak na ang bolpen at handa nang ipangtusok sa kausap na pulis), next week na po kasi yung event. Baka pwede namang maasikaso (kaysa na nakatunganga lang kayo diyan at nakikipagkwentuhan!)
BOBO: Boy (HUWAG MO NGA SABI AKONG TAWAGING BOY!), lahat ng mga nangyayari sa Maynila, dito dumadaan. E ilan lang ako? (BOBO!!! Kung nag-iisip ka, di mo dapat gawing rason sa akin yan! Mas lalo ka tuloy nagmumukahang bobo! Baka nga bobo ka! BOBO!!! Bakit di kayo magdagdag ng tao o magpalaki ng opisina?! At kanina, nakikipagkuwentuhan ka lang! At kahapon pa dumating ang request namin! Nang umaga!)
BOBO: Eto nga, (tinutukoy ang babaeng kadarating lang at may dalang mga papeles), nung isang linggo pa. (Aba! Ipagmalaki pa?! BOBO!)

tinawag niya ang isang kasama at pinahanap ang request namin. Nang hindi mahanap ng kasama, siya na ang naghanap (at mabuti naman. Kaya lumalaki yang tiyan mo! Dahil wala kang ginagawa!)

at matapos ang halos 10 minutong paghahanap (e di ba dapat ay may folder kayo ng incoming at outgoing documents?) lumabas siya daladala ang request namin.
Ipinakita niya sa akin ang request naming at sinabi
BOBO: ayan nga o, wala pang pirma ko. (BOBO BOBO BOBO!!!! Sige, ipagmalaki mo pa!)

kung nagtataka ka kung bakit walang mga salitang nanggagaling sa akin, ito ay dahil pinili ko nang tumahimik at baka mapaaway lang ako.

BOBO: O sige, balik ka bukas, mga alas diyes.
TONI: Salamat po boss. Sige po, balik na lang ako bukas. Pasensya na po sa abala.

words of advice… find the person who hired you as soon as possible and have yourselves ran over by the LRT para malaman ninyo ang ibig sabihin ng “bilis” at para na rin mabawasan ang mga bobo sa mundo! malaki kang kahihiyan sa tsapa mo, sa buong kapulisan at sa pamilya mo, kung meron ka man.

*ummm… with all the expletives i’ve said here, i doubt it if anyone would let me publish it as a column. oh well..

remember that in public service, there are (should be) no excuses.

some people may find it strange that i am able to hold such terrible amount of rage against a person in uniform when in fact, my mother’s a police officer. well, i want you all tol know that my mother’s of the good-cop kind. even she has her own grievances against the police force. sometimes, she would tell me stories of PO1’s and PO2’s who live extravagantly, sporting high-end cell phones and two to three cars. not to mention that they are able to support a family of 7 with their small salary, who knows where they are getting the money to spend for all these stuff. but although suntok sa buwan ang mangarap ng pagbabago, she does her best, with the little that she can to remedy some of the problems.

and for this, she was awarded a number of times, including an award or two for the most outstanding policewoman of the year. and yesterday, I got from her office in her behalf the letter informing her that she passed the NAPOLCOM exams and is now up for a promotion to the rank of Captain.

you’re the best mama(ko)ng pulis.

so there, a summary of my day. Pat, sorry for the theatrics. just wanted to let it all out. And about the permit, i’ll have it tomorrow. sorry for the delay.

-----
pahabol:

so… to make up for the horrible day, i cooked myself salpicao. living alone usually takes away the joy in food and eating. why prepare something special when all you want is to fill yourself up with anything edible. thus, i’ve been living on leftovers and canned goods. or kung minsan, bumibili na lang ako sa BeeLiJo o sa turu-turo. the last time i cooked something that one can actually call food (it was sinigang by the way.. yummm,,) was last last Sunday when mama came home from Bulacan. ngayon, nagluto ako para naman makabawi sa sarili ko. (sayang, sana, mas marami yung bawang)

yun lang. just wanted to share what i had for dinner.

of elephants and boa constrictors

i originally planned to start this blog with the line, “God… hit me with a lightningbolt…please…”

but I thought it would sound too melodramatic of me. I have always been teased by Plaridel people and other friends that ang drama ko. tsuri na, tsuri!

anyways, i was trying to write my thesis (note: operative word – trying) but it seems that I was somewhere else. then, while I was skimming through plot structures (between 100 Years of Solitude and The Hours), I accidentally came across a book that i haven't read for a while, The Little Prince. And thank goodness I did…

my head has been filled with all sorts of things these past few weeks: infest (argh!!!), thesis (argh!!! bakit ang bobo ko!!!), laundry (2 scoops or 3?), future career (or vocation – ituloy ko kaya yung plano kong magseminaryo), mama (ma, matutupad din natin ang mga pangarap natin), papa (mahal ka pa rin namin. happy birthday po), our psychotic fishes (now, Lito’s missing! MGA BUANG!), our house, money… the list goes on… it's not that tiring, really. it's just emotionally distressing.*sigh*

***

In the course of this life I have had a great many encounters with a great many people who have been concerned with matters of consequence. I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.

Whenever I met one of them who seemed to me at all clear-sighted, I tried the experiment of showing him my Drawing Number One, which I have always kept. I would try to find out, so, if this was a person of true understanding. But, whoever it was, he, or she, would always say:

"That is a hat."

***

since when did I start missing the point? since when did i become an adult?

hay... and this post wasn't supposed to be melodramatic.. ha!

thursday is laundry day

(actually, it's already Friday)

Whew! Just finished doing laundry.

For more than a week now, I have been living alone: cooking, cleaning, paying the monthly dues, the works! Mama is at Bulacan and I am left in charge to take care of myself and the house… and four goldfishes and mama’s orchids. The orchids haven’t been much that of a trouble, just water them, talk to them occasionally and pat them a little, and they’re fine. But unfortunately, that doesn’t go for the goldfishes. I made a separate entry for that and you can check it below later.

As I was saying, I have been living alone for more than a week now. And it’s amazing how old you can get in less than 14 days. When you are made to act as an adult, you become one. It’s more than you now. Well strictly speaking, it’s still about you. But living alone puts you on the spot to be responsible for those things that normally would be the business of your parents. Like feeding you, clothing you, comforting you when things seem to be amiss. Now, you are forced to think and act like an adult. No more whining. No more waking up at 12 noon and expecting food in the table. No more mamaya na unless you want to have your electric supply cut-off because you went past due on your bills. And when you encounter something that you don’t know like how many times you should rinse jeans as compared to shirts or how much time it will take to cook bulalo, you are forced to figure it out by yourself. You get to learn the right way the hard way.

Now, I see how people like JJ, RC, DA and CK can be so independent.




Kaya,,,





Sa bahay, Ako ang Tigas! Tiga-saing, Tiga-luto, Tiga-laba, Tiga-linis, Tiga,,,

the attack of the killer goldfishes

(taken from Thursday is Laundry Day)

As I have mentioned, I was tasked to take care, besides my self and the house, my mother’s orchids and four goldfishes. Everything is fine except for the fishes.

I think they have turned to Cannibalism.

There were originally 7 of them. Raul was the first to go. He is the one with the big belly and who usually has fishcrap sticking out of his behind. One night, my mom and I came home from the baptism of my niece when we found Raul floating in the aquarium with Nena beside him while the other five were suspiciously cramming in one corner of the fish tank. He was floating with foam in his mouth and had the flesh on his belly tore off. The water wasn’t that clear when we arrived, which suggest that they didn’t eat the fishflakes we had fed them that morning before we left and that the food just dissolved, leaving the water murky. Two days after, when I arrived home, mama broke to me the news that one of the fishes that were left was missing. It was Nena. Later that night, I found her under my computer table. Mama said that it must have been Nena was very lonely and committed suicide. But I saw a different story. Yes, I agree that it was suicide. But it was not out of loneliness or rage, but because of fear. This angle that I looked into (being the son of a police investigator) is that Nena was scared of being eaten as well. There are traces of resistance in the way her tail appeared. The tail was wounded at the tip and that after the incident, the five were swimming at the bottom part of the tank indicative of a certain desire to swim in areas that are colder. The low temperatures, as I postulate, help to slow down the metabolism of the fishes in situations that food is scarce. But still, it got me thinking, they can’t keep this forever! Some day they will need to eat and their distaste with the fishflakes that we buy for them won’t be changing any time soon.

So then it happened. The latest of the casualties was Valentino. He is the smallest of the five. Then, I found myself thinking: Survivor Fishtank. In my opinion, it would have been better if they had ganged up on Max, the biggest of the Goldfish Mafia, for four reasons.
1) they got to eliminate the greatest threat in terms of its capacity to dominate
2) they got to yield the largest amount of food because of the his size
3) they got rid of the biggest consumer of food
4) they would have made the competition less lopsided for anyone of them who will be left for the last two. Imagine if Max survives up to the end (which he would probably will), it would be easier for him snap the life out of anyone who will stand (swiM0 in his way because who will be left will still be, as it has always been, someone less strong than him.

But as the story goes, they chose to eliminate Valentino. What was only left of him was his head.

So now, I’m wondering, how could I get these fishes to stop eating each other? Im afraid that when mama gets home, there will be nothing left of her goldfishes. Well, I could tell her that we have cannibal fishes. But she wouldn’t believe me anyway…

insomiac

i never considered myself as an insomiac eventhough i usually go to bed at 5. until now.

i prowl the streets in between the now and tomorrow, preying on the dreams of those who lie in their beds, trying to find the cure for my own restlessness. i see the fantasies and the illusions and i laugh at them, jealously, bitterly, knowing they were also once mine. i hunt these who haunt me endlessly and i corrupt them for the delusions that they are. and i smile as the child cringes in fear that these nightmares are for real and that the morning has ceased on existing.

not good at being scary. :)

it's 4:30. i have to rest. goodnight.

i'll bleed for you

noise hasn't sounded as nice.

my ears haven't stopped ringing since after the concert. they had 10 bands play in celebration of CLA Day. some of them: sandwich, 6 cycle mind, imago, sugarfree and urbandub. unfortunately, i only caught sugarfree and urbandub. and i can say the ringing in my ear is all worth it.

it's funny that i've never been a fan of rock. and the ringing in my ear is one obvious reason. but it's very different when you hear them on the radio and when you hear them live. it's nice to be in that crowd. you try to control yourself. but slowly, the air hypnotizes you into a trance. you start to thump the floor to the beat while your head starts to move up and down with the rhythm. then before you know it, you find yourself caught in the collective euphoria. you clap, cheer, shout and sway – jump at times even. the blood has rushed from your innards and into your head. and you perspire. and finally, you sing to the wordless melody that is rock.

thanks jad for pulling me into this. i owe you one… dude! by the way, did I mention my ear hurts.

----------



*a new tattoo- urbandub*

Great moments they pass by
If you’re careless
Desperately trying to speak the words
I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.
Tongue tied, every time I try to talk to you
In time, I’ll find the right line.

Caught a glimpse of you
I tremble every time you walk by
Hopelessly trying to find a way
To be near you, to get near you.
In my mind, plays thoughts of you all the time
I’ll find the right line…

I’ll bleed for you
Like a new tattoo in my heart
You’ll stay permanent…

Am I too late now?
Will I find a way to get to you somehow?
She’s breaking me down again
She’s breaking me down.

bakit?

3 bombings in one day. more than 15 people killed. bakit?

sinigang therapy

i had sinigang for dinner last night. i had sinigang for brunch. and what did i had for dinner tonight? sinigang. whoever discovered sinigang should really be given a nobel prize for making people's lives better. yes, it is my comfort food. but it is not that i need comforting today. the day went pretty well much as i expected: the green field was painted red with roses, balloons, songs and happy couples. why then the sinigang therapy? well, i just wanted to know how different sinigang tasted differently. for those who don't share the same palette as mine, all sinigang taste the same. but they do taste differently. some people use patis instead of salt. some use sampaloc and others fresh tomato. some add labanos while others add gabi. some add sitaw while others eggplant. some use liempo, while others kasim. add between them, a plethora of combinations and concoctions. then what do we make out of these? what point am i driving at? nothing really. it's just that although it would seem all sinigang are the same, in truth, there are different. some will be saltier than others, some more maasim, some more malinamnam and others more masarap. and after having my fill of sinigang the whole day, i come to a conclusion that the best sinigang is the one that my mother makes.

singles awareness day

i didn't want to post anything today because i thought that doing so would suggest that i do care for this day. well, i have gotten rid of the itch and now, i'm posting my thoughts for this day.

1st, i do care about this day. it is the day of Saint Valentine. and for me, any saint's feast day is a cause for celebration.

2nd, this day is a day for thanking people who have touched my life. some did only that: touch and go. but that moment is a reason enough for me to be me. this life wouldn't be my life without those people who touched me and have gone. then, there are the people who are still there and promise to be there no matter what. these are the people i see to be the ones who make the future a little bit less dimmer than it is. when you have someone beside you while you're walking a dark and empty road, it's not as scary.

3rd, i do care about this day because it is a day of remembering. i admit that feb 14 is one of the few days of the year that i do look forward to. because i get to remember the other feb 14's in my life and the goofie stuff i did on those days with my mom or whoever i had a date with on that year (but it's usually still my mom i went out with every year).

4th, with the remembering, comes learning. and that too, for me is a reason for one to want a valentine's day. it doesn't matter if the process was happy or painful, as long as i have learned something. then i can say, i do am getting wiser. the next time the same circumstance occurs, more or less, i know what to do (i may eat my words someday. but... i guess that's another learning process i have to go through).

5th, feb 14 was the day mama and papa met. they were at the Araneta when mama was one of the police personnel securing an event. then, papa was there doing... wait, memory lapse... was he there as one of the organizers or one of the presentors... or tambay lang siya don... hmmm... got to check. anyways, to cut the long story short, that was the day they met and when their complicated love story began. it has never stopped being complicated, their love story. i carry the name of my father and my mother carries her's. but to have that moment made me possible. and that for me is something worth remembering, being thankful for and something that i should learn from.

so, to all, happy singles awareness day!

secret garden

Secret Garden
Bruce Springsteen

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth if the
Words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get to that place where
You can't remember and you can't forget
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay a million miles away

mama

minsan, gusto ko maging mas mabuting anak sa nanay ko. pakiramdam ko kasi na habang tumatagal ay napapalayo ang loob ko sa mama. mahal ko ang nanay at ang mama ang buhay ko. pero may mga pagkakataong hindi lang kami magkaintindihan. ngayong mga nakalipas na araw, naging mas malapit kami ulit pero parang nagbibiro din ang pagkakataon. pinagagawa ni mama ang bahay namin sa bulacan. mag-isa lang siya doong nagbabantay sa bahay at hindi siya makauwi dahil may mga gamit kaming nakaiwan doon. nakikita ko ang pag-aalala niya sa napakaraming bagay. kailangan kasi naming umutang sa pinsan ko para matustusan ang pagpapagawa. maliban doon, kailangan din ng mga taong magtatrabaho sa bahay. kailangan din ang mga materyales at transpo na magdadala ng mga iyon sa bahay. at kailangan ng magbabantay. at lahat iyon, si mama ang nag-aasikaso. minsan ay tinanong niya ako kung pwede ba akong magbantay ng bahay dun sa bulacan pag nagsimula na ang construction. ang sabi ko, "titingnan ko po." at nung lumaon nga ay di na ako nakatupad sa mga sinabi ko. inihahanda kasi namin yung activity para sa feb. hindi naman ako talaga in charge doon pero nagprisinta akong tumulong. ngayon, kailangan kong umuwi sa qc dahil walang computer sa bulacan. at nandun si mama ngayon, nagbabantay mag-isa ngayon. pakiramdam ko kung minsan, wala akong kwentang anak. noong lunes ako umalis doon at kagabi lang ako bumalik. nagkwento si mama na naninibago daw siya roon at nahihirapan siyang matulog. kanina lang, nagtext siya na di ulit siya makatulog dahil malamig. kung naroon lang ako, sana, nayakap ko siya para di siya ginawin. wala pa kasing kama doon at sa sahig ng second floor lang siya nakahiga. at medyo tumatagos din ang lamig sa comforter na ginamit niyang sapin. wala siyang libangan doon. walang radyo, walang tv. siya lang. at sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, nakuha niya pa akong itext ng, "anak, mag-iingat ka diyan ha. ayos lang ako dito. sa sabado ka na umuwi para matapos mo yung inaasikaso mo. at sana matapos mo na yung thesis mo. regalo ko sa iyo itong bahay para sa graduation mo." sana, naging mas mabuti akong anak.

tumatanda na rin si mama at nakikita ko na rin sa mukha niya ang pagod (at siguro, ang kalungkutan). minsan nababanggit niya na pagkatapos niyang magretire (3 taon mula ngayon), babalik na lang siya sa probinsya para alagaan ang lolo at lola ko. kapag nasa bahay kami ng pinsan ko, nakikita ko sa mga ngiti ni mama tuwing inaalagaan niya ang mga pamangkin ko. siguro, hinahanap niya ang pagkabata ko.

mahal ko si papa pero kung minsan, gusto ko siyang sisihin. kung nandito lang siya, di sana'y may kasama si mama. pero ganun talaga at wala na akong magagawa para baguhin yun. ang magagawa ko na lang ay ang tustusan ang kung ano mang wala ngayon. kaya't pangako ko sa sarili ko, na kapag panahon ko na, i'm going to be the best father in the world. gusto ko maparamdam sa mga anak ko kung anuman yung mga hindi ko naranasan kay papa. gusto kong maibalik sa kanila ang pagmamahal ni mama sa akin.

bukas, uuwi ako sa bulacan para may kasama si mama.

best advice

the best advice i ever heard so far:

when you're all f*c**d up, what you just have to do is....

just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

the best ka talaga J! hahahaha!

happy memories

today, rover says goodbye to the place he has considered his abode for the last 4 months, the cabinet at the green and white office. for 4 months he and his friends mister penguin and mister elephant stayed in that happy place they called home. Each day was a wondrous experience for him: the yearbook verification, the annoying subscribers that insist on getting their yearbook during breaktime, the tension, the work, the phonecalls, the card games, hi jack, tong-its, pusoy, the cris cringle, the moments of waiting for the mcdonald man, the insaniquarium days, the typershark days, the hide and seek game for lazy people, the aircon, the smell of binagoongan rice and katsudon, neopets, hulaan, manang janitress and manong guard, the plaridel people on the other side on the (half) wall, the american idol songs playing on the plaridel side of the room, the letters on the cabinet, the kodakan, the secrets, the revelations, the singing, the tampuhan, the laughter, the magic.

but on top of everything, what made that home their heaven, are the people of Green & White. although his friend mister toni stayed more at the plaridel side, rover chose to be with that bunch of people whose wackieness would have been enough for them to be sent to the loonie bin. although he didn't get to chat with many of them, except for some, he really felt that warmth he never got in the shelf of the stuff toy store.

and for the person who have treated him the warmest, rover sends his utmost gratitude and appreciation. he says thanks for the hello's and hi's, for the attention you gave him during breaks, for rubbing the back of his head, for holding his paws, for playing with him, for feeding him, for asking why his eyes were a little bit sad and somewhat longing, for the thoughtfulness of putting a sign on the cabinet door saying "ROVER the Cat", for the bracelet you made for him out of a strip of plastic, and for the huge hugs. his heart goes to the most wonderful person in his life. meows and other cat sounds are not enough to tell you how much he appreciates your company. you have taught a feline full of stuffings how to love.

for now, rover is homeward bound to have himself washed and fixed. if he will ever go back to his cabinet, he doesn't know. if whether he will get to see her again or not, only time will tell. but one thing he do is sure of is that he will always have a memory of a brief moment in cat heaven, and that's enough to live by for the rest of his days -- 9 lives actually.

losing it

i wanted to be optimistic. i tried to be, really. then a guy in the street bumped into me and said, "who are you kidding?"

oh well, just another realization to add to my long list of realizations.

yep! life is just getting better everyday.

all's good

things haven't been falling into place for a long time now. there have been good times and bad times. but most of it is all confusion. life has become some sort of a guessing game.

but today falls a eureka moment.

i have no idea where all of these are going. and i have no idea where the hell tomorrow is taking me. and i have no idea what all of these are for.

i don't know.
now, it becomes interesting.