lost between here and nowhere

simple question, "san ako lulugar?".

i'm 2-3 years older than 85% of the people in the SPO. I wish i could go and find a job but i cant. have to get my diploma first. Curse this thesis. But it's alright. If i had graduated any earlier, I would have missed a lot -- my salvation. But I'l save that story for later.

I feel useless. Yes, I have served the publication for more than 4 years already and I think I have served it the best way I can (save for some low points. but those too are part of the ride). But something is still missing. So what do i do? i meddle in things that i shouldn't be meddling with. meaning, trabaho ng iba. somehow, i have this urge to help. pero the ironic thing is that people can well be off without my unsolicited help. minsan, prisinta nang prisinta. maganda sana ang intentions pero usually, may maiinis at may makukulitan din. thanks for being kind to me winkle, rc, mel. sori din. da, salamat for appreciating the small insanities ko. jj, thanks for making me feel welcome. ck, thanks for the trust. sayo din ruby. at napagkamalan pa akong nagrun para sa eic. assoc po tinakbuhan ko. :p gene, anak, salamat din sa tiwala. advance happy bday. anne, sana, di tayo sabay grumadweyt. kailangan mauna ako sa iyo. :p chris, thanks for lending me the keys. tila hinayaan mu na rin ako tumingin sa nakalipas. cy, hapi hapi. :D hug!!! shux, kandila ba ito? hehe. and si jj lang naman ang malamang makabasa nito. hehehe.

hopefully, i will find my place.

the other story. if this was 2 years ago, i would have tried suicide. of course, the story is different. and im reacting differently too. but pain can only take on several forms. the worst of them all is that pain caused by seeing others in pain. since the feeling is not yours, one can only imagine. we relate by imagining. we search from a multitude of memories and the emotions that are intricately attached to them. what we dont notice is that we too are doing isolation. and by making them more apparent, more obvious, the feelings become heightened. Thus, in the process of recollection, emotions are intensified. So, it is not hard to imagine shedding tears for the tragedy of characters in a movie or a novel. Or for a friend who you know is in the same crap that you are in.

But besides this, we also create pain whose origin is totally ours. Maybe, to say we create is inappropriate since it presupposes a certain amount of volition -- that we choose to look for our own death. but we can also argue that no one is as perverse as to consciously search for his own demise. it is perhaps that the pain is original but is not of one's own creation. it is the spawn of the universe. chaos is one fundamental character of essence, of being and non-being. this is the pain caused by confusion -- the pain of uncertainty. in whichever case, we die.

but all is not lost. it is somewhat amusing that the same reason for pain -- love and uncertainty -- are also from which we draw happiness and peace. I still believe in goodness. God (whoever he is) has His way of setting things straight. I will not give up on pain. i will never let go of love.

hopefully, i will find my heart.