little new friend

good things do come in small packages. for three days now, i've been in good company with a new friend - my little blue walkman. well, it's not really that small. it's actually just a little smaller than a diskman and just a little thinner. Malaki nga daw siya sabi ni chuck. it's a gift from my ate last christmas. but i only got it working the night before yesterday because i always forget to buy batteries for it. but since I got it working, i haven't put it down. i even had it playing while i was sleeping. then, i even had it playing the whole day yesterday. it really proved very useful during jeepney rides when it saved me the agony of listening to yeye bonel, si manloloko ka pala and the likes.

some features: it has a speaker that plays really loud when you take the earphone plug off. so you can hear it playing in the sala while you're doing your thing in the bathroom. it also has a clock which goes with a stop watch mode, an alarm mode and a calendar mode. pretty cool huh? energy consumption isn't that bad either. The radio works on 2 AAA batteries while the clock works on a separate minibattery. The battery lasted me three days considering I have had it playing continuously for almost 72 hours straight. And the battery that I use are cheap too – 10 pesos for a 4 piece pack.

but it do has its downsides. since it's a cheap walkman, the kind that they give out as freebies, it doesn't have a tuner display. so you get to practice your psychic abilities guessing what station is currently playing. also, it sometimes have problems with the reception specially when in transit and when inside thickly walled areas. but who cares? as long as it plays Jam, Wave and Joey.

I guess the reason that I rave about it too much is that finally, I have found something that suits me: a loner. I rarely speak and I don’t really like mingling with crowds of people. Also, it doesn’t mind me being quiet. I’m not pressured to talk when I don’t have anything that important to say. I guess people often forget about that when it comes to friends. For me, one of the measure of a good friend is someone that you can be quiet with. sometimes, words become superfluous. and all you want is their company – their presence. yung nandyan lang siya, ok na ako.

second, I think I like listening to my walkman (radio lang daw sabi ni winkle dahil di naman daw kasi nagpeplay ng tape), because it tells me the emotions I have that I can’t and sometimes, don’t dare articulate. Angels and demons of Dishwalla is one. Broken by Seether is another. Barely Breathing by Duncan Shiek, You’ll Be Safe Here by Rivermaya, and Lullaby – Shawn Mullins, Something About You – Five for fighting and a lot more, mostly, those songs that they play in Jam. Sometimes, it just feels good to hear yourself with another voice, to be another person. And you realize that you are not the only human in the world.

third, I think I like listening because I like to think. While people see thinking as a chore, a pursuit necessitating a goal, I do it as a hobby, a pastime, a wandering and a wondering. I guess that’s why I’m so thin – I burn more calories in 1 hour than another person would probably burn for a day. i just like thinking. And having something setting the mood in the background is a heaven-sent.

fourth, and this is much related to number 1, having earphones on gives me the right to ignore people. Something I learned from reading books is that it lets you be suplado without the necessary guilt. (Sounds like an ad for a dairy product. Or a sweetener.) Let’s face it, there are a lot of annoying people around and there is little room left in the world for other people to hide to. I admit I do sometimes become one of those annoying people but I do have the red pill in hand (or is that the blue pill?). Admittedly, for our generation, all that we can do is escape, even just for a moment.

As for now, I will be listening, escaping, thinking, articulating -- alone -- until the dawn breaks. Or until the batteries of my little new friend run-out.

oddly joyful day

oddly joyful day. joyful joyful! this day gives new meaning to the phrase "giving is better than receiving". hahaha. cliche. well, sometimes, i really like cliches. parang happiness is next to godliness. hmmm... reality is the best policy. parang mali pa rin. hmmm... hehehe.

sabi ni kungfyuchoos, este... confucius, there are 3 ways one can be immortal:

1) bear a child (di pa ito pwede. papatayin ako ng nanay ko. at kailangan ko muna maghanap ng nanay ng anak ko.)
2) plant a tree (although environmentally friendly itong proposition na ito, mukhang kulang na rin ng mapagtataniman dito sa maynila. siguro, kapag lumipat na kami sa bulacan. sa probinsya ng bulacan. hahaha)
3) write a book (ito, i really like. pero... at malaking pero... e yung thesis ko nga, di ko matapos tapos, nobela pa. siguro, after na lang. hehehe. ambisyoso)

pero, today, i realized na may isa pang paraan (ang i think eventually, i will still find many other ways) para maging immortal. yun yung doing special things for people. and it would be a lot better when they least expect it so that the shock effect would be more lasting. hehehe. yun tipong masasabi nila na, "ay, sa tagal ng panahon na 'yon, naaalala pa ako ni toni". shit! astig!

at kahit di ka na makarinig ng thank you, okay lang dahil lahat ng pasasalamat ay makikita mo na sa mukha niya.

ang saya maging mabait kahit minsan.

tonight

tonight i sit stranded, staring
upon the red can, once filled with sugarglory
now empty and still, and still empty.

tonight i sit stranded, eavesdropping

to ants talking, murmuring. lamenting

the death of one of their own

for the sweet crystal made him high

and that from the height, he fell.

tonight i sit stranded, wondering

why memories have to keep on persisting

for the encounter is so brief but the dream everlasting.

tonight i sit stranded, asking

how can the clock keep a smile on its face

when each stroke of its hand signals a beginning of an end.

tonight i sit stranded, wishing

one more smile,

one more hug,

one last time.

tonight i sit stranded, waiting

and the sandman spreading

his dust upon the room

and the air becomes heavy:
i waited too long for a time that will never come.
and i don't know what the answer is
and i don't want to hear the truth
and all i want is to forget
and all i want is to fall
and all that i can do is to pretend

as long as i'm drunk, nothing else matters.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Tonight I Can Write" By Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.
"The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

hmmm...

i meet father rey while i was on my way to skul. an old friend says hi. teammates from highschool invite me to an inuman. photos, photos, photos.

labo.